[theonlyqualitytrash]

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My ask box is open to most things (both SFW and NSFW), as long as you're respectful and not trying to start drama with questions aimed at causing conflict. Also, I prefer not to discuss politics—there are far more educated people out there to talk about that. Ask me anything as long as it stays respectful!

I'm also open to suggestions and requests! If you have an idea you'd like me to put on paper, I’d love to try it (let’s hope I have the inspiration for it).

If I don’t respond to something, it’s either because I haven’t gotten to it yet, I’m lacking inspiration, it made me uncomfortable, or it doesn’t feel relevant to my blog. I’m not upset, though—just a little preoccupied.

Please, if you are a minor, I would appreciate it if you didn't interact with my flagged posts. There are some heavy themes there and I would hate to traumatize someone.

Finally, no bigotry, racism, homophobia, sexism, ableism, xenophobia, transphobia, body shaming, hate speech, harassment, trolling, or victim blaming. I like my blog devoid of such negativity; there is enough of it in the world.

If anything bothers me, I’ll vent about it—though I promise to keep it lighthearted and hopefully funny :))

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Do you think you’ll ever do a face reveal?

Short answer: It’s a maybe leaning toward no.

Long answer: I’ve thought about it before—mostly in passing, like “What if I did a face reveal to celebrate one year on this blog?” But honestly, I think that idea came from a childish wish to be recognized.

I grew up following anonymous creators who eventually did face reveals. I remember how excited I was to finally put a face to the voice, the art, the personality. So I wonder sometimes: have I just been conditioned to expect that anonymity ends with a reveal?

It feels like something meaningful—like saying hi for the first time, face to face. But then again… how meaningful is it, really? What would justify it? I don’t want to do it just to satisfy curiosity. If I, for example, announced a face reveal at 100 followers, would people follow because they connect with what I create—or just to see what I look like?

For a long time, people expected me to act a certain way just because of how I look. I’ve been called naive or innocent simply because of my youthful appearance. (Even now, at 21, I’ve been mistaken for 17. I don’t always mind—after all, we can’t control how others see us.) But what bothered me wasn’t the assumptions about my looks—it was how they dismissed my intellect. I hated the way my thoughts were treated as less capable, less serious, because people assumed I must be mentally simple too. That disconnect still lingers in my mind when I think about doing a face reveal.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. But overthinking is just part of who I am.

And maybe this answer will change someday, because we, as people, aren’t fixed: we’re constantly in a shifting phase. Thank you for your question, dear anon. I am sending you good vibes! <3

[theonlyqualitytrash]

We miss youuuu how are you doinggg🥺

Hello, dear anon. ‪‪❤︎‬

It’s so sweet of you to check in on me. Every time someone does, it feels like a little light flickers on in my heart. It makes me feel special and wanted—thank you for that. ♡

I think [this post] outlines some of what’s been going on the past two weeks, but here’s a tidier update:

We left home by car, so for two days I was either reading or listening to music. Sleeping was… scarce. Apparently, I’ve aged since my last road trip—I need my pillows, plushies, and mattress to sleep properly now. I have become a brittle old soul in a soft shell, it seems...

We made three stops to rest: one in Romania just before the border, one in Italy, and one in Barcelona. We’re planning to properly visit Barcelona on the way back.

Since arriving in Valencia, I’ve been spending my time reading, watching The Sandman (I want to finish season one before I return), cross stitching, talking to friends back home, and working on a little niche project. :> I hope to publish it soon! Although, true to form, what started as a “small idea” has grown slightly out of proportion—whoops. (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

Mostly, I have lounged around (doing what I've mentioned above) visited some museums, and the sea.

Overall, I’m well and healthy. ^^ To anyone missing me right now: you hold a special place in my heart.

Thank you again, sweet anon. I’m sending you gentle hugs and good vibes. (っ˶ ˘ ᵕ˘)ˆᵕ ˆ˶ς)

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hello, my dear Cheshka.♥️ How have you been doing? You’ve been away from me for some time.🥺

Hello, Snow! ^^ ₊˚⊹♡ (I was giggling and kicking my feet when I saw you here.)

As promised, here’s a little catch-up. But first, I must warn you... I will be ranting about dating apps (hearts like ours were not made for them.)

Before you lecture me and chastise my poor dating decisions, understand that I was curious (and perhaps a little lonely). Looking beautiful, mysterious, and very approachable in bookstores and parks just wasn’t working out for me—so I caved.

I installed Bumble. I wanted to see what awaited on the other side of the screen. Spoiler alert: very toxic and weird men.

I mean, I know, you know, everybody knows—my blog is primarily focused on Fyodor; but just because I love a dark, twisted, misunderstood man doesn’t mean I want to be love bombed in real life.

Do I want a man who sees my weird, chaotic side and chooses to keep me? Of course. Do I want a man who gets moody and crosses my boundaries? No—a la poubelle! (I will be saying this a lot in this post.)

So for the past few days, I’ve been playing matchmaker with myself... seeing how many red flags I can collect before politely telling someone, “This was not meant to be.”

And let me tell you: people show their true nature the second you set a boundary.

There was this one guy—let’s call him Isaac. He seemed very sweet: gentle giant vibes, long hair, a woodworking boy. He was well-read, worked as a nurse, played games in his free time... I thought, “Nice! Why is this man not taken?”

And then it came; and I saw what he was made of.

If a man assumes what you want instead of asking you—a la poubelle. If he’s more interested in making a point than meeting you halfway—a la poubelle. If he doesn’t respect boundaries—a la poubelle. If he builds intimacy not to know you, but to make you receptive to his presence, his advances, his demands... a la poubelle!

It’s one thing to read about this kind of manipulation, and it’s another thing entirely to experience it. But I wanted to tell you all this because if any man ever took advantage of you or hurt your sweet soul, I would personally get on a plane—and you’d probably see me on the news.

I hex any man who even thinks of hurting you, or any other person I hold dear in my heart. ❤︎

Since my breakup, I’ve become more aware of my body’s cues and needs. I’ve always struggled with fawning, but this time I stood my ground. And I’m proud of myself. Hihi. ^^ (That man was thrown away and thoroughly blocked.)

Also... gaslighting? Especially self gaslighting? Extremely dangerous. I’ve realized our bodies often pick up on things before our brains can process them. Period. If the vibes are off, and you feel unsafe—step back. Don’t second-guess your gut. Sit with the feeling and watch how the behavior unfolds.

I’ve been building my resistance to people like this. It’s actually a good mental exercise. :>

Now, on a lighter note...

I’ve been excited for a few things lately: my upcoming birthday, a date, and a little family trip to Spain.

My birthday’s not a big deal, but I’m happy I get to spend it with family and close friends—eat cake my dad will bake, play games, and just joke around. Like you, I’m a bit of a wallflower, so being the center of attention can feel daunting; but sometimes we do need our time to shine and be properly appreciated. ^^

The date is also exciting—we’re going to an art museum in my city. The guy I’m seeing is well-read, with an interesting mind. He also made me a playlist, which I found very endearing. I hope he’s as kind and respectful as he is smart. •ᴗ• (a la poubelle if not)

As for the trip: we’re visiting family friends and making it a road trip from Romania to Spain, with a stop in Italy to see my aunt. Honestly, this might be the highlight of my summer. I haven’t left the country in four years.

We’re going to Valencia, and I can’t wait to see the opera house and visit the beach at night (because I’m a vampire and I burn in the sunlight.)

My dad joked “What if someone steals you away?” To which my mom replied “She’s a handful. They’ll hear how much she talks and hand her right back.”

Ah, the cruelty!!! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

And finally—here’s a cute little photo of me and my friend petting a cat in Terraria.

I’m on the left, she’s on the right. The kitty looks exactly like my Sonya, so I was extra happy. 🖤

Thank you for checking in with me, my dear. I wish you nothing but a chill breeze, soft vibes and for you to stay hydrated! (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ Here is a little song for you, it's vibey and I think it will put you in a good mood.

I wish to be loved like this, and I wish for you to be loved like this as well. ❤︎

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[literatureloverx]

First of all, please excuse my late response, my dear Cheshka. 🥺♥️

This is embarrassing… I feel truly bad. I actually meant to write this all last week… but I couldn’t, because I kept meaning to write many different things and catch up with you.💔

It is amusing to me that you know me well enough to know I would be lecturing you. Dating apps are actually very dangerous, but even I almost considered downloading one some weeks ago (because looking very cute, very approachable, and beautiful didn’t help me either, my dear). But I never did, because I didn’t really believe I’d meet someone like-minded on such platforms.

I have heard stories before, though, of people who met on Tinder and ended up happy and married, but… that’s such a low percentage. I would discourage everyone from using those apps. So yes, you were right about the lecturing. Now that we’ve covered that, I can continue, my dear. ♥️

It is actually so intriguing how normal Fyodor-lovers (a sweeter word for “simps”, of course) don’t want a manipulative man like Fyodor, my dear. I must belong to a weird human subspecies, haha. If I saw a man who was able to manipulate me, I would find that very attractive—because it genuinely isn’t easy to manipulate me. (And imagine this: he could, but he won’t, because he loves you. Oh my goodness. Take my hand, take my whole life too… 🎶)

Did you notice I’m trying to distract myself? Because I’m angry on your behalf.

“This was not meant to be” is a very strong line, my dear. Your Snow is very proud of you. ♥️ Isaac is getting on my nerves, truly. What do people like him even think? No woman wants to be treated like this. I have no idea why people refuse to fix their attitude. However… is this perhaps also what people think of us? 😭 “What a pretty girl, why is she not taken? Must be a fraud.” Ouch. Kill me.

I find it admirable that you can so easily spot people with bad intentions, my dear. Again, I am proud of you. You should teach me to do that sometime. 🥺 Also, you are not weird, darling. You are one of the sweetest people on Tumblr. And chaos is one of your charms. You are one of the most chaotic-calm people I know, haha. ♥️ Any man would like that about you. But men don’t deserve sweet girls like you. 😭

You are very sweet, my dear. Thank you very much for your care and support. 🥺♥️ Please know that I will gladly jump on a man and bite his ears off should he try to hurt you in any way. 🥺 Our feelings are mutual, my dear Cheshka. ♥️ What you’ve gone through truly sounds dreadful. I feel almost relieved that I’m not trying to date, haha. Admittedly, it is lonely. We deserve loving, respectful relationships. Also, I think that seeing what you dislike only increases your chance to understand your own preferences better, and therefore choose the right man in the end, my dear. So it has its positive aspects. ♥️

Also, before I forget, I am very proud of you for standing your ground as well (do you see how proud I am? I keep praising you). Fawning is a real struggle, I get you. As is gaslighting.

You are absolutely right, and I agree about our bodies picking up on things. In fact, I can add a small story—not to make you worry, it’s not important, but rather to strengthen your point. A friend and I were waiting for the subway. She needed to take the train from the other side of the station, and I from mine. We stood where I would take mine, since it was arriving first. I personally didn’t notice anything strange, but she kept looking in a certain direction. I was about to ask her what was wrong, and then a very young man (a boy, actually—perhaps 18 or 19) suddenly approached me. He stood right in front of me, out of nowhere, and I somehow instantly felt threatened. So much so that I instinctively grabbed my bag.

He said something along the lines of “You caught my attention.” I wasn’t exactly polite. I just told him I was taken, and my friend gently pushed me to the other side, away from him, and we walked away. He was gone after that. We never saw him again. She told me he had been circling us for minutes and that he was truly creepy.

There’s this thing: I genuinely thought I was overthinking. That it wasn’t “as bad as I thought.” So yes, you are absolutely right, my dear—about the fawning, the feeling, the gaslighting. Everything. It’s very sad that so many women have to go through this kind of experience.

How did your birthday go, my dear? I’m very sorry that I wasn’t able to congratulate you. I was merely answering asks on autopilot (some more thoughtless, some needed my brain to function) and was also under private stress. But I should have more time for my beloved babies now. 🥺 Tell me everything!

Also, admittedly, when I read this ask of yours, I was envious that you were going to Italy. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ME WITH YOU.😭 Where exactly were you headed to in Italy, my dear? Also, Valencia is beautiful… I actually want to see Seville (totally not because of The Barber of Seville) and Andalusia. 🥺 I want to see the horse breed that is so famous there. It is called Pura Raza Española (pure Spanish breed), and I admire how beautiful those horses are. There are many breeders, as far as I’m aware.

Also—admittedly—I was almost jealous that your date is with an INTJ (you deserve this, my dear. I will be your biggest supporter if this relationship works). But guess what? I met an INTJ myself, haha. Not romantically, though. But he is very sweet.

I mostly noticed him because he is Russian and has that typical INTJ aura. I felt the need to analyse him for a while (he didn’t know—I’m not very moral about this). I just knew he had to be a strong Te user from his aura and presence alone. After watching him briefly, it was clear he was either an ENTJ or INTJ, and upon closer inspection, definitely an INTJ.

I saw him again today—for the first time after I had asked him for chewing gum (if you haven’t read that post of mine, it’s due time you do, my dear. It’s hilarious). I think he now knows I’m trying to learn Russian. He might have overheard me talking to my friend. I’m embarrassed, Cheshka. 😭♥️ I want to exit life.

And of course… neither you nor I would project our love for Fedya onto other men… simply because they are INTJs… right? Right? 🥺 God have mercy. They behave like Fyodor. That is not our fault. From the cold gaze to the sinister smile. 😭

How was your INTJ, my dear? Is he kind? Did he treat you well? I hope so, darling. If not, I’ll be bringing my (nonexistent) machete with me.♥️ Other than that, he sounds like a great person. The playlist is extremely sweet, truly. Have you thought of giving him something in return? Perhaps something that will remind him of you?

How was the trip, my dear? Please tell me more.

Your mom and my brother are acting EXACTLY alike, haha. My mother is more like your dad—she doesn’t want me to be taken away. And my brother enjoys teasing me. However, the person who says the latter is the one who truly doesn’t want you to be taken away.

I love the picture, my dear! Thank you very much. We went to visit them as an entire family, because my aunt came over with her family from Turkey to Germany. One day, we visited an old friend of theirs at their home (it was quite a long drive. I almost died, my dear; a princess such as myself cannot survive in such drastic conditions). You won’t believe this: when we got there, we saw four cats! They had literally a room full of cats. I thought I was going to pass out from joy and cute aggression.

I unfortunately have to post the video separately, but I will tag you, my dear!♥️

P.S. Thank you very much for this song, my dear.♥️ I wish you the same.♥️

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hello and good day or night (depending on when you read this), dear Snow! (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

Recently I have read Ippolit's "Explanation" while reading The idiot, and there was a quote that I found ironic; a part of me thought that it defines how I feel about my writing, my opinions and thoughts in general:

"It seems to me that I have now written the most terrible nonsense; but, as I said, I have no time to correct; moreover, I give my word that I will not knowingly correct a single line of this manuscript, even if I should notice that I contradict myself every five lines.” (Rough translation from Romanian)

I felt the need to share this because, as usual, my responses to your letters are very chaotic.

There is so much I need to catch up with you on—really, it’s been a ride. (Literally.)

First off, I want to say: My birthday was really lovely. Nothing extraordinary happened, we were just some friends having fun and celebrating, hihi. :> I do want to show you my outfit for the day, though, because I felt rather pretty. (✿ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)⁾⁾

I’m so sorry I couldn’t pack you in a box and take you with me to Italy. (つ╥﹏╥)つ I think my aunt would have loved you—especially now, since my cousins are 26 and 29 and no longer live with her. She told me she misses having “children” around to take care of.

This is kind of embarrassing, but… my parents are fluent in Spanish, and meanwhile my own vernacular leaves much to be desired. But! I’m learning. (Languages are killing me—first Russian, now Spanish. I really need to pick a struggle.)

With all the Spanish around, I would have loved to speak a familiar language with a friend. I would have plopped you in the passenger seat and driven us to Andalusia for a day trip. Although, I’ll admit, I’m a bit hesitant to drive there. First of all—almost no one uses their blinkers here. Please! That really stresses me out. Second, they’re a bit chaotic (I think) both on highways and in the cities—but they’re also more carefree than Romanian drivers. No honking, no drama—just… organized chaos. So I guess it’s a double-edged sword.

This week we went to Oceanographic, and visited the science museum in Valencia. :>

(I loved the jellyfish, they are wonderful.)

Okay! Okay—enough about Spain, because it feels like I’m twisting a knife in a wound. ｡°(°¯᷄◠¯᷅°)°｡

Dating apps:

I have nothing to add because you’re right. They’re dangerous, exhausting, and shallow. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. (Which, at the moment, is the adapter I use to plug my headphone dongle into my laptop.)

Random people scare me—that guy who came up to you sounded so unsettling... Honestly, anyone who’s chronically online (which is most of our generation) has probably seen at least one video about how not to approach someone. I’m so glad your friend was with you. As women, I really think we have to look out for each other. Whether it’s standing up for someone, sharing a tampon, watching someone’s back, or just giving a ride—this is how we care for our community. By adapting to each other’s needs. ♡

On a happier note... my boy.

He is... how do I even describe him? I feel like words don’t do him justice. We had a conversation a while ago, and he told me he doesn’t care much for names—because our existence is so complex that reducing it to a single word (a name) feels like a small insult. Words define, and that stuck with me since I started speaking to him.

I think we’re both in that stage where we want to talk and talk and bond—but we’re still a little bit scared. (He won’t admit it, of course, but I know he is!) What I’m really waiting for is for us to be completely comfortable with each other. I’m waiting for the problems to come—so that we can work through them. That’s the dream.

THIS MAN WROTE ME POETRY FOR MY BIRTHDAY. ಥ﹏ಥ

Please excuse the caps—that wasn’t me, that was some lovestruck fool version of me. I promise this will be the only time you see me this weak.

He also made me a card. With a stamp and everything. Told me he wishes to see me back home in August—aaaah~

If I had to describe every detail he thought of and took care of, this update would never end. And frankly, I’d feel like I was rubbing it in. So to keep it short: he’s kind, patient, and so thoughtful. He’s everything you’d expect from an INTJ—but with so much warmth. ₊˚⊹♡ (Honestly, I think the warmth is because he really likes me… but I’m not complaining!)

What I’m doing for him, you ask?

Well, context: he’s a huge music and film nerd. So, I’m watching The Sandman because he loved it, and Dark (his favourite show) when I finish with some other stuff. Quadeca recently launched Vanisher, and I watched the film/album, then wrote my interpretation. He said he adored me for everything that I've said. We talked about it more, and I could feel his excitement—it made me so happy. ^^

Now… this might come as a surprise (or not), but my nerd boy also makes music. He has two albums, actually. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to print out all his lyrics, annotate them, and crack the story behind one of his albums. I want to bind it, write a short letter, and gift it to him when I get home. 𐔌՞. .՞𐦯

Also… I got my needle and thread busy and made him a bookmark. It has a cow on it. (He loves cows.) It's not much, but he told me that he wished to get back into reading more—so I was thinking that the bookmark could incentivise him. :>

I always feel weird when talking about myself; I don’t want to write all this and make you feel bad. I don’t want to say “Oh your time will come, girly,” or some other cliché that doesn’t help emotionally. But I do believe words carry weight—this is why we write, no?

So I want to tell you this: Waiting doesn’t mean you’re behind. Waiting is hard, yes. But it’s also proof that you have standards—and you shouldn’t lower them for anyone. I think being lonely for a while is better than realising that you are miserable in a relationship.

Maybe that boy you told me about did find it endearing that you were learning Russian… so “exiting life” feels might be premature, my dear. I will stalk your blog for updates on your INTJ boy. :>

Gosh, I really do need to catch up on your life—lately I’ve been doing seven different things constantly. This response alone took me three separate days to finish (I apologise) because I kept getting yanked away from my laptop.

A silly dream I have is to sit by the ocean, read or write, and eat churros. I am a simple woman with simple needs…

Now—back to INTJs.

Funny fact: most of the characters I love in media are INTJs. So I guess I’m just fascinated by their way of thinking. My best friend is an INTJ, too—she’s lovely.

Do I have a problem? Is this an obsession? (I think not.)

About manipulation: I understand why you find it attractive. There is something intimate about it—someone knowing you so well that they can read you and act accordingly. But I can’t romancize it too much, because it can so easily become unhealthy. Relationships—especially romantic ones—need to feel safe, and if you’re constantly overthinking, trying to decipher intentions, trying to read between the lines… that becomes exhausting. Unsafe.

And if the person being “manipulated” gets attached, you end up with a whole (nonconsensual) power imbalance. Now I’m just rambling—aaah!

Point is: I’m happy and proud of your strength, Snow, my dear. I just want you to also be safe. And healthy. And cherished.

Thank you so much for your letter! Thank you so much for your words! Thank you so much for being here! I loved reading what you had to say. The cats sounded lovely and I was happy to see the video on your other post. ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Please drink plenty water, take care of yourself, and I hope you receive my good vibes and love in the mail. :>

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hi there~! I've recently found out about your page after a long writers block, and I've got to say I'm feeling so much motivation! (despite it being 6am, I should probably get some sleep)

Anyways, if I could request- how do you think Fyodor would fair (romantically) with different types of partners (the personalities are completely up to you!)

Thank you! And sorry for any grammar errors or difficultly in understanding- my lack of sleep is at fault (,> ^ <,,)

(Also I'm so sorry if you got this sent to you multiple times (; - ;) idk why tumblr is acting up)

Heya, and welcome back to writing! I'm really happy to hear I could spark some motivation in you, aaaah—especially at 6am! Definitely get some rest please! :> ❤︎

As for your ask, let me preface this by saying: I usually avoid covering ground that's already been explored thoroughly. It's not because I want to be different for the sake of it, but because I feel like if I can’t offer something new, I’d rather not just echo what’s already out there; that said, I do want to indulge your curiosity, because it’s a genuinely interesting question. (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

Now, if you were referring to MBTI personalities, I highly recommend checking out @literatureloverx's ♡ wonderful work. She’s done a phenomenal job analyzing how Fyodor might interact with various types. Her take on him is a tad colder and more crueler than mine, but I find it still incredibly sharp and well thought-out.

Okay, onto my own general thoughts:

While an ENTP and Fyodor might make fascinating conversation partners, romantically? That’s a match made in hell. Fyodor's safety lies in his control: psychologically, emotionally, ideologically—and ENTPs are notorious for constantly poking and prodding at boundaries just to see what happens. From my own experience, they’re quick-witted, contrarian, and love a good mental tug of war. In a relationship, that energy would likely destabilize Fyodor. Emotional connection with an ENTP takes time and navigation, but Fyodor, who needs those bridges built consistently and sincerely, might grow cold without that reassurance. And with an ENTP, everything from the materials of the bridge to the reasons for crossing it would be questioned (which would slow down the whole process.) 

The constant pushing and pulling would kill the romance before it even began.

That doesn’t mean extroverted types are off the table. ENFJs and ESFJs, for instance, approach connection through empathy and care. They still challenge control, but with plenty warmth—they offer it more like an open hand than a drawn sword. That can create this inner conflict for Fyodor though: he wants to reach out, to land somewhere soft, but fear or pride might hold him back. Still, the emotional pull could be strong enough to stir real growth in him.

In general, I think Fyodor would fare best with XXFJs. Introverts might mesh more naturally with his quieter nature; they’d bring calm and stillness, which he badly needs—but extroverts with emotional patience and depth could do just as well, especially if they’re willing to build slowly and without force.

Also worth saying: I think he doesn’t mind stubbornness. In fact, I think he respects it (and might find it endearing in some cases.) Being hardheaded means you care about something enough to hold your ground—and let’s be real, Fyodor’s probably the most stubborn character in the whole manga. He needs someone who can match that, not wilt beneath it.

I hope you enjoy this response. :> I wish you nothing but an abundance of inspiration, dear anon! I'd love to read what you wrote one day. °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Thinking about Nikolai but with Fyodor’s personality… don’t hit me up.. I’m sick he’d be so

Nikolai with Fyodor's personality is just so uncanny for me. There’s this fanart by creantzy, I think, (I hope I’m not mixing things up—I'm pretty sure it was them) where their personalities are swapped, and I remember being so put off by it. Clowns are not made to embody INTJ.

So, an INTJ Nikolai? Weird. Get it away from me.

I sat down and tried to search for references—spoiler: there were none. I was looking at my laptop like it had personally offended me, because apparently, finding a clown-type character who is also INTJ is like trying to find a needle in a haystack… except the needle was never there to begin with.

The thing is, Nikolai is a clown at his core. That’s his baseline. Slapping Fyodor’s entire personality onto him feels lazy—it bulldozes what makes Nikolai... well Nikolai. So I squeezed my brain, trying to figure out how an INTJ coded version of him might work without stripping him of his essence (and avoiding putting Nikolai in a cheap Fyodor wig.)

His internal struggle needs to be the same.

“I think Nikolai's problem lies in his deep fear of being overwhelmed—and ultimately controlled—by his emotions. He experiences feelings with intense depth, and this depth scares people away, so rather than embracing his emotions, he tries to escape, seeing emotions as burdens that limit his freedom. He longs to be free from the messiness of being human, believing that if he suppresses or rejects his emotions, he can transcend them. But this constant repression only breeds internal turmoil, for no matter how hard he tries, he cannot escape the fact that emotions are an inseparable part of who he is.” (from this post)

Because I couldn’t find a single clown-intellectual archetype, I turned to INTJ characters in general. That’s when I remembered Lelouch vi Britannia from Code Geass; suddenly, everything clicked.

“One of the main philosophies of Code Geass is that we humans wear masks, masks that separate us falsely from others, masks that don’t allow us to put our real self in front of the world... Lelouch thinks it’s necessary for humans to wear these masks. Because if we always stayed true, we could never form societies, never function. So we put on masks to survive.” (from Reddit)

I think this ties it in perfectly; because in this scenario, INTJ Nikolai is the clown to fool others, not to distract himself from his emotions. Like Lelouch becomes Zero to lead a revolution, this version of Nikolai builds his persona as a deliberate barrier between himself and the world. It's a calculated shield masked as performance.

It’s all about control really—controlling the narrative, controlling perception, controlling how deeply others can ever reach him.

Nikolai weaponizes humor and theatricality (seeming ENFP on the outside) to contain his depth, because he knows the moment he lets anyone see the real machinery, they’ll either flee or try to control him.

I think that INTJ Nikolai is a man who pretends to be senseless, so no one sees how deeply he hurts.

[theonlyqualitytrash]

I know you had a anon ask you about your masterlist but I ALSO can't see it, unfortunately for me I have no laptop or any other technology I can use to get it, so if it isn't too much to ask..could you perchance send the link? It doesn't matter if it's in the reply to this, dms, anywhere is fine ໒꒰ྀི๑ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ๑꒱ྀིა

Here you go, dearie <3 It was no problem, really!

Post by @theonlyqualitytrash · 9 images

💬 1  🔁 0  ❤️ 27 · Masterlist · All of my works neatly laid out General: BSD cast on the infinite train Fyodor: Fanfics: Memento Mori

Happy reading!

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Omg I’m so frustrated because I could’ve sworn that I’ve read that fic in your blog before! >~<

Did you perhaps used to have a pfp of a ginger haired girl drawing? And did you ever receive an old anon ask recommending you novel “Near to the wild heart” by Clarice Lispector?

If you answer no to both questions, I definitely must’ve confused you with someone else, and I’m terribly sorry if I wasted your time! 😭</3

Hello again, dear sweet anon <3

Please excuse this (very) late answer, and thank you for being so patient with me.

Sadly, the answer to both of your questions is no. Ahh, I wish I could help you more. And no—you didn’t waste my time at all. The price of community is inconvenience, and I’ll happily be inconvenienced any day if it means helping someone from our small corner of the internet. (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ

Maybe you’ve already tried this, but just in case—have you looked through your liked tab?

I really do hope you find your fic, dearie. :> Sending you lots of good vibes and patience!

[theonlyqualitytrash]

how did ur date with that nerd boy go?

Please excuse the late reply, dear anon—between university, writing, and my ridiculously active love life at the moment, getting to asks was proving to be a bit of a challenge. Thank you for waiting! :>

Ah, the date? It was alright. Nothing interesting happened.

Okay, I lied.

I am not a nonchalant person. I am very much chalant. I will offer you my heart on a silver plate and let you drink my blood with a golden spoon if you make me feel appreciated. The date was nothing short of amazing.

We spent four hours at the museum just talking. Then another eight hours (I repeat, eight hours) in my car in a parking lot, eating McDonald's, trying not to get our moms mad because it was midnight and apparently, being 21 doesn’t mean they won’t still ground us. We could’ve easily kept going.

And him? He’s funny. He’s so smart. People—do you want to know what he did?

Our city's public transport system is kind of a mess. So he made a new map. Rerouted the entire thing so it's neater, uses fewer trams, and is actually efficient. He explained everything to me and it made so much sense. His mind is a treasure... ♡(˃͈ ˂͈ )

He communicates. (I know—bare minimum, but when you have been yearning for this type of open conversation, getting a taste feels like eating food for the first time.) And as someone who overthinks and is chronically anxious… hearing someone express what they’re feeling or thinking as it happens is just… beyond refreshing.

He cooks. He reads. He writes (beautifully so). He games. He has taste in music. He has a film club. He plays D&D. He’s kind, respectful, and awkward in the most adorable way. I want to trap him in a glass bottle and keep him on my desk! ｡°(°¯᷄◠¯᷅°)°｡

His voice? Don’t even get me started...

His smile?? Please. ಥ﹏ಥ

I know I’m feeling something real because my sternum literally tightens when I think of him.

Some highlights:

At the museum, I gave him my fan to play and fiddle with. And, without a word, from time to time... He would just... fan me. I wanted to disintegrate.

He brought a booklet of things he wanted to ask me based on our texts. Because his memory sucks and he wanted to remember. AAAAA—

He had one of those tiny film cameras and asked to take two pictures of me: one right after the museum and one right before we parted. He said he wanted to remember... and to compare the two.

He made me a playlist. Named it after my darling Sonya. Put 12 songs he thought I’d love. Why 12? Because it's important to him (we love a sentimental man.)

At one point he was just looking at me. And smiling. And I was smiling. And it was A WHOLE ORDEAL. We had moments where we were just quiet. No words. And it wasn't awkward, it felt right.

Anyway, I might have a tiny, barely perceptible, microscopic crush on this nerd boy. :>

Dividers: saradika-graphics

P.S. As of me posting this: he’s made me a second playlist; this time with rap music; we’ve been on a second date (just as wonderful: we had a picnic, played chess, talked and HELD HANDS—I know, scandalous); and I’m seeing him again tomorrow.

P.P.S. He’s asked about my Tumblr, and Lord… if he sees all of this, it will probably give him a heart attack. Not that he’d mind, I think. He is not not nonchalant; and he loves words of affirmation. (I love that about him.)

[theonlyqualitytrash]

SO YOU HAVE A MASTERLIST?? Sorry I'm replying late I'm the dumb anon that requested the masterlist. 😭

As it turns out, I have a very old phone and therefore cannot update anything in fear that it might die. So technology wise, I’m stuck in like 2019. And it couldn’t show me the link of your masterlist on your pinned for some reason?? Anyway, that’s all sorted now since I flew to my computer right after I saw your answer. Thank you 💖

But the worm is still eating my brain! I couldn’t find that fic I told you changed my neurological system, so I’ll try to describe it to you (it’s been a long while):

It was indeed a Fyodor x reader, but I’m almost certain Nikolai was included as well. I remember an open window balcony? Late at night?? Everything very domestic but lingering of rot and death??? Post mission perhaps. Or about to FACE said death. I don’t know. It wasn’t tragic, but I remember your writing being carried by anguish. And I liked the ambiguous dynamic between those three.

THAT’S ALL I REMEMBER I’M MORTIFIED 😭 Maybe you’d delete it? Maybe I was on drugs! Anyway, whenever you have the time, do let me know, no pressure! :))

Oh dearie anon, I must ask you (gently) to apologize—to yourself, of course. You’re not dumb at all, and I’m just glad I could help clear up the masterlist confusion. :>

As for the fic you described... sadly, it’s not one of mine (though I wish it were; it sounds really interesting.) I haven’t been reading fics much lately, so nothing quite like that rings a bell.

Someone please help this poor sweet anon out!!!

I hope a comment pops up under here, so you can find the fic. (ㅅ´ ˘ `)

Also, just to ease your mind: I haven’t deleted any of my works (yet). If I ever feel unhappy with one, I'll probably just set it to private for a while until I can rework it into something I’m proud of. I used to hesitate about going back and editing old pieces, but honestly? Poe did the same with his work. Maybe it’s just part of being a writer.

Thank you for reaching out again, and I really do hope our little corner of the internet helps you track that fic down. ₊˚⊹♡

[theonlyqualitytrash]

"Would you still love me if I was a worm?"

Study. Quiet. Until—

"Fedya, would you still hold me dear if I were vermiculated?"

A question, slipped into the silence as you closed your book slowly, fingertips lingering on the page as if to anchor yourself. It was a ridiculous thought, but one that had coiled around your mind, insistent and annoying. And with Fyodor, even whimsy demanded an answer.

Across from you, he sat perched on the opposing loveseat. He lifted his gaze from his book and his eyes settled on you with that particular look he reserved only for these moments: when your humanity betrayed you with something as fragile as need.

Nonetheless, he found it endearing that you sought his affection in such a way.

A pause. A blink. The barest tilt of his head, as if dissecting the question for heresy.

"Yes," he answered. No elaboration. No verbose poetry. Just a fact, immutable as scripture. Then he returned to his reading, the rustle of the page the only concession to the moment’s rupture.

You laughed, soft and disbelieving, but your chest ached. It was never about the worm, of course. The worm was nothing. The worm was helplessness given form; small, blind, wriggling in the dirt, incapable of anything but being.

What you had really asked was: If I were reduced to my barest, most wretched self...if I had no wit, no worth, no will—would you still reach for me?

And Fyodor, who dealt in absolutes, who saw souls laid bare as bones in a reliquary, had answered. Not with a vow, not with a kiss, but with the terrifying simplicity of a man who had already weighed your rot in his hands and found it irredeemably his.

You picked up your book again, heart lighter now. Somewhere, a worm turned in the earth.

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Oh I’d be flattered to get a nickname… You can call me Dovie :) 🕊️

- The crushing anon

Welcome, Dovie. :>

For you, (not quite doves, I know) a picture of some pigeons I took the other day:

Like rats, pigeons are misunderstood… But they deserve love, and I have much to give.

Thank you for being here, I send you good vibes; and also I hope you stay hydrated and cool, dear Dovie. 🤍

[theonlyqualitytrash]

I have a huge fat crush on the way you write, even just your answers of asks. This is not a compliment, I’m genuinely confessing my feelings to you. Makes me blush like an idiot!!!

I—

Oh, my...

I am utterly, completely flustered. I just got home from uni, worn thin from the day, and opening Tumblr to this... well. I think I just stared at the screen for a solid minute, completely enubilated, cheeks burning.

"I don’t know if I’ve made it as a writer, or as a person."

That thought hit me straight in the chest. I had hoped my words reached people… but my replies to asks? To touch someone like this—it’s an incredible, humbling kind of sunlight. Truly. Thank you for trusting me with such a vulnerable feeling.

I’m… also deeply honored. And yes, still blushing like an idiot myself over here. I don’t quite know what to do with my hands (or my words!!) except say thank you... from a place that feels very warm (but not too warm, because the summer heat is not being kind).

Sending you good vibes, my dear crushing anon.

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hello, my dear Cheshka.♥️ How have you been doing? You’ve been away from me for some time.🥺

Hello, Snow! ^^ ₊˚⊹♡ (I was giggling and kicking my feet when I saw you here.)

As promised, here’s a little catch-up. But first, I must warn you... I will be ranting about dating apps (hearts like ours were not made for them.)

Before you lecture me and chastise my poor dating decisions, understand that I was curious (and perhaps a little lonely). Looking beautiful, mysterious, and very approachable in bookstores and parks just wasn’t working out for me—so I caved.

I installed Bumble. I wanted to see what awaited on the other side of the screen. Spoiler alert: very toxic and weird men.

I mean, I know, you know, everybody knows—my blog is primarily focused on Fyodor; but just because I love a dark, twisted, misunderstood man doesn’t mean I want to be love bombed in real life.

Do I want a man who sees my weird, chaotic side and chooses to keep me? Of course. Do I want a man who gets moody and crosses my boundaries? No—a la poubelle! (I will be saying this a lot in this post.)

So for the past few days, I’ve been playing matchmaker with myself... seeing how many red flags I can collect before politely telling someone, “This was not meant to be.”

And let me tell you: people show their true nature the second you set a boundary.

There was this one guy—let’s call him Isaac. He seemed very sweet: gentle giant vibes, long hair, a woodworking boy. He was well-read, worked as a nurse, played games in his free time... I thought, “Nice! Why is this man not taken?”

And then it came; and I saw what he was made of.

If a man assumes what you want instead of asking you—a la poubelle. If he’s more interested in making a point than meeting you halfway—a la poubelle. If he doesn’t respect boundaries—a la poubelle. If he builds intimacy not to know you, but to make you receptive to his presence, his advances, his demands... a la poubelle!

It’s one thing to read about this kind of manipulation, and it’s another thing entirely to experience it. But I wanted to tell you all this because if any man ever took advantage of you or hurt your sweet soul, I would personally get on a plane—and you’d probably see me on the news.

I hex any man who even thinks of hurting you, or any other person I hold dear in my heart. ❤︎

Since my breakup, I’ve become more aware of my body’s cues and needs. I’ve always struggled with fawning, but this time I stood my ground. And I’m proud of myself. Hihi. ^^ (That man was thrown away and thoroughly blocked.)

Also... gaslighting? Especially self gaslighting? Extremely dangerous. I’ve realized our bodies often pick up on things before our brains can process them. Period. If the vibes are off, and you feel unsafe—step back. Don’t second-guess your gut. Sit with the feeling and watch how the behavior unfolds.

I’ve been building my resistance to people like this. It’s actually a good mental exercise. :>

Now, on a lighter note...

I’ve been excited for a few things lately: my upcoming birthday, a date, and a little family trip to Spain.

My birthday’s not a big deal, but I’m happy I get to spend it with family and close friends—eat cake my dad will bake, play games, and just joke around. Like you, I’m a bit of a wallflower, so being the center of attention can feel daunting; but sometimes we do need our time to shine and be properly appreciated. ^^

The date is also exciting—we’re going to an art museum in my city. The guy I’m seeing is well-read, with an interesting mind. He also made me a playlist, which I found very endearing. I hope he’s as kind and respectful as he is smart. •ᴗ• (a la poubelle if not)

Edit: I have learned he is INTJ. (I am not projecting my love for INTJs and Fyodor at all)

As for the trip: we’re visiting family friends and making it a road trip from Romania to Spain, with a stop in Italy to see my aunt. Honestly, this might be the highlight of my summer. I haven’t left the country in four years.

We’re going to Valencia, and I can’t wait to see the opera house and visit the beach at night (because I’m a vampire and I burn in the sunlight.)

My dad joked “What if someone steals you away?” To which my mom replied “She’s a handful. They’ll hear how much she talks and hand her right back.”

Ah, the cruelty!!! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

And finally—here’s a cute little photo of me and my friend petting a cat in Terraria.

I’m on the left, she’s on the right. The kitty looks exactly like my Sonya, so I was extra happy. 🖤

Thank you for checking in with me, my dear. I wish you nothing but a chill breeze, soft vibes and for you to stay hydrated! (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ Here is a little song for you, it's vibey and I think it will put you in a good mood.

I wish to be loved like this, and I wish for you to be loved like this as well. ❤︎

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[rottenstrawberrigirl]

As I promised~ ❤︎

@theonlyqualitytrash

Thanks to the recipe she gave me, I was able to savor her sweet, sweet love !! And it was berrylicious…

I actually tried to adorn them with strawberry frosting, but I kind of messed it up a little bit…. It didn't look as cute on it as I thought it would. Nonetheless, I will continue my lethal experiments with this recipe in my own cozy baking laboratory soon. (◍•ᴗ•◍) ☆

By the way, I added cinnamon to the recipe!! It definitely added to the flavor, in my opinion. Cinnamon girls are gonna looove this one, hehe. And yes, I made these cookies twice separately to take them to my father’s house. Now, he demands more.

Forgive me, dear, for this message coming a little late. I am aware I am slow, but I’ll try to catch up and get back to a more steadier pace. I've been writing down and editing my responses to all the stuff you've submitted, other things I desire to talk to you about, and other things I want to ask other people about. I also need to get my feelings about your fanfics organized and typed out. It's a bit of a jumble, but I will get it all sorted out and done one by one... I just really wanted to let you know that I am not ignoring you. Reading what you have to say always makes me go running around the house in a jiggly jiggle. (〃´ワ`〃)

Wishing you all the strength and calm your heart needs for your exam. It might be a tiresome period, but I have faith you'll complete all of them successfully !! Please don’t forget to be gentle with yourself, too, okay? Because you’re my precious angel! ꒰ঌ♡໒꒱

Eat something yummy and warm, take tiny time-outs to stretch or breathe fresh air ,, and curl up for a little bit of rest when your brain feels full. Your morale and health matter just as much as those exam scores. Just trying your best is already something to be proud of, really proud of. Even if it’s a four-day power-studying marathon, I know you’ve got the spirit and the brain to pull it off. You’re brilliant, and you’ve come so far already. Just a little more push, and you’ll be on the other side of it all.

Go, show those papers what happens when hard work meets unstoppable spirit. You’ve absolutely got this, honey dear!! (｡☌ᴗ☌｡)っ⁾⁾

Oh, and I also wanted to send you a recipe, as well.

!! Carrot Walnut Cinnamon Cake Recipe !!!

(I’m not even trying to hide my love for cinnamon at this point.)

Ingredients:

• 3 eggs

• 1 cup sugar

• ½ cup vegetable oil

• 1 cup milk

• 2½ cups flour

• 1 packet vanilla sugar (or 1 tsp vanilla extract)

• 1 packet baking powder (about 10–12g)

• 3 small carrots (not baby carrots!)

• 1 cup ground walnuts

• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon (level)

Instructions 👩‍🍳😡:

1. Start by washing, peeling, and grating the carrots. Don’t forget to squeeze out the excess juice!

2. In a large mixing bowl, beat the eggs and sugar with a mixer until the mixture becomes pale and frothy.

3. Add the milk and vegetable oil, and mix until well combined.

4. Sift in the flour, baking powder, and vanilla. Adjust the amount of flour depending on the consistency of your batter.

5. Mix everything again briefly with the mixer. Then add the grated carrots, ground walnuts, and cinnamon.

6. Give it a final gentle mix using a wooden spoon or spatula.

7. Grease your cake pan and pour in the batter.

8. Bake in a preheated oven at 170°C (340°F) for about 40 minutes. Tip: Avoid opening the oven door during the first 30 minutes so your cake rises properly! :)

9. Once baked, let the cake cool in the pan before removing it—if you try to take it out too early, it may fall apart.

10. After it has cooled enough, remove the cake from the pan easily and serve.

Your carrot walnut cinnamon cake is ready to be eaten alive by its god! If you ever find a day to try this recipe, I bon appétit you in advance, my heart’s constant companion, beloved Masha. ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ ) 🍊🥮🥕

Ah. This reminds me of the times when I used to listen to Cake by Melanie Martinez and have a breakdown while baking. Good times, good old times…

Anyway. While I was preparing chamomile for myself, this started playing in the background—and there’s something about this guy’s voice that completely caught my attention. I don’t even know why it suddenly got to me like that. Maybe it’s just a simple old song, but… I felt like I wanted to share it with you. Hehe. <3

Edit: I have bad period cramps AND nausea rn 😔 Right when I'm finally home alone, in my sacred forest nymph habitat…merry and free…listening to my favorite top-secret playlists and making my little dance moves like a misunderstood woodland sprite trying to impress the local ghosts…

“Wow, I feel so sunny today that I can dance for hours and hours until my body physically can't anymore!”

I said with joy. I was then shot 57 times.

And then suddenly, cramps kicked down the door, smirked, and said,

“You thought you were gonna be happy ?? Wrong genre, sweetie. This is body horror. Now, suffer your monthly agony.”

I couldn’t even watch that adorable animated series you told me about yet ! ! _(:‚‹」∠)_

I curled up in my bed like a soggy raspberry croissant, hugged Moli (my brave childhood teddy bear guardian), and listened to isochronic binaural beats and chakra tuneup sounds to fall asleep while whining to the universe that I wanted sweet death to take me out already🥀🥀

Because obviously when life hurts, we all channel our inner Dazai, except my dramatic cry for the void is interrupted by the sound of another cramp screaming, “Plot armor? I have never heard of it.”

What is the moral of the story here? Period cramps are just the uterus cosplaying as a little fascist dictator reminding you that freedom is an illusion. And joy? That was a myth I once believed in. 💔

I feel a bit better now thanks to the medicine, but I haven't eaten today, and I have no appetite whatsoever; plus, I have insomnia + internal mood swings, + the energy of a dying pixel + mitski on repeat.

I want Fyodor to stop everything he's doing right this instant, give me lots and lots of soothing kisses on my head, and wrap his arms around me in a way that doesn't hurt until I melt into a puddle of sleepy goo. Some people crave chocolate or soup during this time; I crave physical touch and the selfish need to be babied immensely. ໒꒰ྀི ◞ ◟꒱ྀིა

there are some other things I want to talk about, but yep. that’s all I had in me for now. #validexitstageleft

[theonlyqualitytrash]

EVERYTHING needs to stop IMMEDIATELY!

First, hello darling Berry! ૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა 🤍 I am brimming with joy and sorrow reading what you wrote me. Really, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. You are the sweetest munching ever created. :>

Second. I curse that your period ruined your whimsy. How dare she? She was supposed to be a girl's girl... and that was not a girl's girl thing to do. I know it’s been a month since this message, but I hope Moli protected you from your cramps and you got some chocolate to soothe the ache.

I have one of those special little pillows you can throw in the microwave to heat up—it helps a lot with cramps. Actually, it’s kind of interesting how we distract our body from pain by hitting it with another stimuli. Tiny soft little bodies of ours... so silly of them, only able to focus on one thing at a time.

Even if it’s painful, I’m happy your body is working properly. Good job! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

Anyway… here's a tiny scenario for you, my dear—so it can help you next time the blood fairy comes in:

You’ve been in bed for what feels like centuries. And time... well, time has been nothing short of cruel.

Really, is this the reward for not getting pregnant? No babies, no scares—just blood and pain and a hormonal hellscape. A pat on the back would’ve been nice. A celebratory cake, even. Maybe a parade.

It wasn’t even the bleeding that wrecked you. That washes away.

But the back pain? The nausea? The stomach cramps that left you curled up like some tragic Victorian child coughing her last in a lace nightgown?

No dignity. Just heat pads and agony. Just trying to roll over in bed like a whale learning regret. Hugging your stuffed animal, Moli, your knight in plush armor, as if it could absorb your suffering. Reading a few pages, giving up. Eating something sweet. Giving up again.

Nothing helped.

Except Fyodor.

How dare he?

How dare he smile when you’re like this, pale and pained and pathetic as if your misery were something soft and precious. As if your pain made you more dear to him. How dare he brush your hair back, gather it, clip it with care, kiss your forehead like he knew exactly what he was doing; like he was the cure.

“You’re enjoying this…” you mumble, your voice hoarse from disuse and too much sighing. You lean into him without meaning to. He’s warm. Or maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s just him.

“Your pain? Never, myshka,” he whispers, and it’s maddening, the way his arm draws you closer in the soft tangle of blankets. His voice is hush and still, like he’s always known how to talk to you when you’re at your worst. “But I confess… I do enjoy being the one you need.”

You huff, half-feral. “Of course I need you, anybody would!" A small pause, your voice muffled by the plush. "You wouldn’t last a second with the pain I’m feeling.”

It’s a low blow. But you’re allowed. You are, quite literally, bleeding.

He only hums, unoffended, his smile an elegant little cruelty that somehow hurts more than the cramps.

“I never said I would,” he murmurs, and you want to hit him, or kiss him, or both. Fyodor gently presses you closer, his palm steadying the heat pad against your stomach. “But tell me—is there any reason for you to speak to me so cruelly, after I’ve been nothing but good to you? After I spoon fed you your soup like a helpless darling and drew you a bath, like I was your maid?”

You squint at him, betrayed. Bastard.

You hug Moli tighter, like she might offer a shield. “…M’sorry.”

His arms tighten around you. He’s always gentlest when you feel ugliest.

“Don't apologize, dearest,” he says, voice low and warm against your ear. “I was merely reminding you that you’re not alone in this body of yours. You suffer… and I stay. Always.”

And damn him—it actually makes you feel better.

Ehem.

I hope that will soothe any ache in the future, my dear! I don’t know how you get on your period, so I got a little inspired by my own behavior. I tend to be a little more bratty and “I am not dealing with your nonsense now” type of person when I’m bleeding. People get confused when I get like that because of my people-pleaser tendencies, but I don’t mind them. I usually own up if I say something mean (though that rarely happens).

Anyway, third: the song you sent me is so lovely. It's giving spring and in love and I live for that. It’s not spring, and I am not in love... But if I close my eyes, I can imagine my imaginary sweetheart holding my hand.

Speaking of love, a friend of mine confessed he had feelings for me. (I mentioned this in another post but I wanted to give you the story.) Your song made me think about what happened.

He gave me such a beautiful letter, three pages long and separated in three parts. The first part was written by him who wanted to be straightforward. The second was written by his overthinking self, answering questions I might have had. The third was written by him in love.

There was a quote that I think will stay with me forever: "I will wait for an answer from you until your name does not exist anymore and mine is no longer in your mind."

I was very affected by it. And I agonized writing back. My mind and body were having a big fight, and I couldn’t give him the romantic love he deserved. I love his brain and how he approaches the world, and mentally we were really compatible, but my body didn’t light up when I saw him.

So after many tears and a 4-page letter of my own, I came to a hard conclusion: To not be attracted to someone romantically is not a crime, even if they are an amazing person. And punishing yourself and calling yourself shallow is unjust. Attraction works in weird ways. You cannot control it.

And loving someone is to be kind, and not lie.

I still care a lot for him, and his confession didn’t alter my opinion of our friendship. He took the refusal with dignity. We respect each other and continue our platonic relationship.

That was the little story, I am glad it had a happy ending. Thank you for reading. 🤍

Here is a gift to you. From me <3 I love this song because it's about people showing love and wanting connection in different ways. And the singer being in awe at humans. :> (Plus it's really catchy and has a lot of danceability; for the next time that you are alone and want to shake one out.)

Moving on to the sweets. And by sweets, I mean that AMAZING recipe you shared with me!! I’ve never made a cake because, to be frank, I am scared. But now I have to (really, I am obligated to make it because my dear friend sent it to me) and I swear I will make you proud, Berry! (ง ͠ಥ_ಥ)ง

Also... the biscuits had my heart ache in the best way. I am so happy you made them (and also liked them). When I was at a low point during my exams, I wanted to go back to one of the messages you wrote me to read it again. And then I saw you posted this. And let me tell you: all of this gave me like five years to my life.

Of course I copied your cookies and put cinnamon in them. ^^ 🤍

I made them for a friend’s birthday and she loved them. Also, the batch I made was eaten in just a few hours by my folks. Animals, I tell you...

Joking. :)) I felt so happy that people enjoyed them. And I remember thanking you in my head for blessing my taste buds with this wonderful addition! I also told everyone about you. I like praising my friends. :>

Another thing I wanted to share with you was this:

I received two lei from a friend as a “bribe.” For what? I don’t know. (For context: 1 euro is like 5.6 lei, so it’s not a lot—that made the bribe funnier.) But it was so cute that I framed it. Now it sits on my desk.

I love giving gifts, and I love receiving thoughtful or funny gifts. So when another friend told me she found a little porcelain clown that she wanted to buy for me—but then got scared because she didn’t want to accidentally gift me a cursed item—I was like: “Please!!! I’ll take the clown!! I’ll take the curse.”

Yes, I love clowns... That shouldn’t be a surprise, though. Haha ^^

So yes, I will be taking a cursed porcelain figure if it means I get a little clown (I'll name him Kolya). I’ll update you with a photo of it if I receive it on my birthday. :>

Well that was kind of all. Thank you so much for the lovely letter; it filled me with serotonin. I always murmur your words out loud in a hushed voice because I am imagining you talking to me.

I am sending you love, good vibes, lots of smooches!! 🤍🤍🤍

I saw this and thought of us (I will find more.)

*turns into a bee and flies away*

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[theonlyqualitytrash]

"Say it... out loud. Say it."

[theonlyqualitytrash]

First of all I want to say that you are an AMAZING writer and have personally set the bar higher for the kind of demographic you’re writing for! 😭💖

Will you ever take into consideration sorting your writings into an accessible masterlist pinned in your blog? There was a brilliant Fyodor fic you wrote long time ago that completely rewired my brain and I’ve scrolled down so far only not to find it still :,) Unfortunately between asks and other posts your long writings tend to get lost and it’s a pityyy😭

Oh dear Anon, thank you!! I love knowing that something I wrote rewired your brain. That is such a big compliment and all I've ever wanted really;

AAAAH— Please don’t mind me while I go scream into a pillow.

Ehem.

Actually, I do have a masterlist! It might be a little finicky though; because I wanted it to be ⋆˙⟡aesthetic⊹ ࣪ ˖ and the link is tied to a photo. You can access it by clicking just below the banner on my pinned post. Let me show you!

The interface should be similar on both PC and mobile. I hope that helped! And I hope you will be able to find the fic you were looking for. :> ❤︎