So I've got a little story for you.
i was teaching my boyfriend about posic the other day and I recalled something. I told him I wasn't quite sure if I thought I was posic, as I didnt fit most of the criteria, and only some of it. I dont have objects talk to me*, nor as sentient* but each object has it's own distinct 'vibe' and personality to me, that they'll be sad if i get rid of them. (Context: (moral?) OCD, anxiety, autism.) For example, '4', 'four', 'F', and 'Dory (finding nemo)' have the same vibe to me. But i didn't feel it was any deeper than that.
But, out of nowhere, I was struck with memories about my childhood that stunned me into silence.
As a kid, I enjoyed playing with objects and giving them stories. Mainly dolls, but not limited to them. I didn't have any friends, so I would spend my time making my own stories about them and enjoying the company of said objects. Of those objects, one meant the most to me.
My backyard neighbor had a tree.
I, technically, wasn't allowed to go into the neutral green space between our houses. Wasn't our property. But I did so anyway. I befriended the tree. And it 'talked back' to me. It was more... thinking the thoughts in my mind and cycling through them until i knew what the the intention was. What sentence sounded and felt right. And I knew it was just a tree, but i believed it could feel. Together, we- I- gave them a name. 'Austin'. I would spend hours outside sitting in it's branches, muttering to myself or thinking silently, having 'conversations' with them. I distinctly remember going outside during winter and pacing in large circles for hours, up and down the yard, still communicating with them in my mind. The bond was especially strengthened as my parents would fight for long stretches of time, so I would go outside with the tree and vent to them as a way of comfort. Anyway. After many months, I realized i didn't know their gender. So i asked. (yes i recently researched companion genders.)
And young, religious, ignorant little me, who didnt know about any other genders- somehow got the message the tree was both boy *and* girl. genderfluid. because nothing else felt right. It wasnt in the same way humans are boy and girl. I suppose this was my first experience with other genders, and it was on my own.
So I reflected on that, and when my boyfriend asked why I was making a shocked expression, i shared this with him again (ive mentioned austin in passing) and we agreed I'm probably more posic than I thought. (While writing this, I've determined i feel this way less because i have different coping outlets, and also had to downsize massively a few years ago on my childhood objects so i feel disconnected from my past significantly.) I've since determined I'm likely partially posic.
I mention all this to share the biggest part i've been carefully avoiding.
At some point, I started dating the tree.
I was in elementary school I think, and I wanted a boyfriend, and my concept of 'boyfriend' was 'kiss and hold hands'. So I asked the tree one day, and I believe they allowed it, cause I have memories of kissing the bark and hugging it and staying outside with it until sunset. Especially during winter- I would hide behind the trunk from the cold, or stay in it's branches as though i was being embraced.
(The tree itself was also young- younger than me. Up until 2023, google maps still showed when it was first planted. Just think its neat. I'm a little sad it doesnt anymore.)
All of this to say- I'm probably some flavor of objectum, and *definitely* a little posic.
Sometimes, I think too deeply about my connections with my objects, and i get sad and miss them. I can't see them anymore. But last time i visited my home state and my childhood home, i did see austin in passing.
this is so sweet. thank you for sharing
