There's nothing more I can fucking do. I was a jerk three years ago. I was stubbornly, righteously ignorant, and I didn't know it. How could I know what I didn't know? You yelled at me. You cursed me out. You've made many posts about me to “warn” others. You've harassed me, bullied me, threatened me. You screamed at me to change.
And I did.
...but you had nothing to do with it. I changed myself. I had to seek change on my own while you continued to stalk me and bully me and threaten me. I don't know how the fuck I manage to do that with you breathing down my neck and trying to force me back into ignorance.
It took a little time for me to be able to see how stupid and ignorant I was. As soon as I did, I acknowledged it. I apologised. Twice. I promised change. What's pretty fucking messed up is that I was frightened of changing because I was frightened of you.
I don't hide that I was transphobic. In fact, I reference it often. It's not a secret. But it is outdated.
My enlightenment came inch by inch. It was off to a rocky, accidentally ignorant, but well-intended start. It was a slow process. And I had to hide it.
Like a cliché, it was after a gender studies class that I really opened up to it. Last summer, I was phobia-free. I started venturing into the community on my own to learn. I still had to learn in quiet. I took up an alias just to be able to educate myself without you dragging me back. I knew that, after you were threatening me and demanding I change, you'd do your best to ensure I didn't.
When in my alias, I researched terminology. Testimonials. Stories. Characters. I did what you screamed at me to do. I listened. And the more I listened, the more I realised that my own identity was not the static binary I was used to. I realised I was allowed to be something else. I realised I was actually transgender.
And I was fucking terrified.
I was in the closet. You put me there. I could have been better sooner. I could have been enlightened sooner. I could have found myself sooner. I could have finally been comfortable sooner. But, because of your ceaseless attacks, I knew this wasn't allowed. I wasn't allowed to be transgender. You were still stalking me, bullying me, threatening me. So I stayed in the closet for some time. You fucking put me there.
I kept running from you. I created new accounts to escape your harassment. You're such egomaniacs that you think I kept creating anew to somehow circumvent you, to, as you said, “trick” you. Like everything must revolve around you, right? No, I did it for me. I did it to preserve myself. To keep myself alive. Fuck you.
You're obsessed with the transphobia card. You're obsessed with the past. After screaming at me to change, now you scream at me that I must be the same. You have your heads in the fucking sand. You can't deal with the change you wanted. And now? Now, you're being cute. You turn the tables. You fucking invalidate me. You fucking misgender me. You deadname me. You try to tear me down, invalidate my identity, invalidate my existence. You still bully me and threaten me. You completely erase my queer identity. Pretend I'm not trans. Fuck you.
What the fuck more do you want from me? You scream at me to change. When I do, you invalidate it and continue to bully me.
What do you think you're “warning” others about? That I was a transphobe years ago? What kind of a warning is that? There isn't anything to “warn” anyone about; I've long since acknowledged, apologised, and corrected. Now, I work to correct others. And you think it's fake? My trans identity is fake? My anti-transphobia work is fake? My trans characters, my trans stories, my trans art, my trans positivity—all a work of fiction? The fact that I was kicked out of groups for defending trans people—is that fake, too? Fuck you.
It's not like I was an flamboyant transphobe, anyway. The shit you circulate was shit on my own blog. Public, yes, but not shoved in anyone's face. The only way you came across it was if you went looking for it. I kept to myself. I didn't attack or bully or invalidate anyone, unlike you.
What the fuck more do you want from me? I did everything you wanted, so at this point, you're stalking, bullying, and threatening me for no reason. Could it be you are the transphobic ones? Ableist, perhaps? Homophobic? You feel good about yourselves, stalking, bullying, and threatening a gay, trans person with disabilities? You somehow think you're better than I. What a state of delirium.
So, what? You want me to change the fucking past? You want me to delete my old shit so you can't reblog it anymore—but then you can make it up yourself and stretch your lies, and later bully me more for deleting it, and accuse me of trying to double back and pretend it never existed? That's what happened the first and last time I deleted my shit. So, no, I'm not going to delete a fucking thing. Why should I? I'm not hiding anything; I'm leaving it there for people to see for themselves.
I'm just fucking done. You're scum. You're intolerant. You're ignorant. You're insecure. You're childish. You prefer to remain in your little world of close-minded hatred. You're toxic. You're trash. I don't know why I have to let you make me feel like I owe you anything. I owe you nothing. I did what you said you wanted. It's no longer my problem. No longer my responsibility. If you want to stay shitty, go ahead and say shitty. But don't put the blame on me. I don't owe you a fucking thing more.
