Asking questions. When is it appropriate? When isn’t it?
This post is for allies of transgender friends and family.
One thing I’ve learned since transitioning is that sometimes, even our friends, family, or other allies are afraid to ask us questions because you don’t want to offend us. I just want to say that I understand that sentiment, allies. On one hand, for folks to learn about transgender lifestyle, questions must be asked; I firmly believe that the best educational tool in any culture, not just trans folk, is to talk to someone from that culture directly and get to know them. But within the LGBTQ+ community there is also the stance that it is no one person’s job to educate others, which is also true. Think of it this way:
What stands out about you most? Do you have a unique name, and if so, how many times every day do people say “Wow, your name is really Crystal Ball?!” Do you have green hair? “So, is your hair natural? Ha ha ha!” Do you work in customer service? “There was no price tag on this, does that mean it’s free?” These questions, comments, or jokes aren’t innately bad, but they are tedious. They’re questions that people get asked day in and day out. That’s what the last year of my life has been like for me. “So when did you know you were trans? Why did you pick the name Michael? How’s testosterone treating you?”
Again, these aren’t bad questions. In fact it’s nice when folks check up on me. But you have to understand that when people constantly ask me questions about transitioning, I feel like one of my defining qualities is that I’m transgender. My goal isn’t to be “transgender,” it’s to be Michael, a normal guy who’s into writing and cats, who works at an office, who enjoys volunteering in the community, whose favorite video game is Fallout, who likes upbeat music, exercise, and travel.
So the question is: when is it okay to ask a trans person about being trans?
#1. First, just say “Hey, is it alright if I ask you some questions about transitioning?”
#2. If they say “no,” then leave it at that. But how should you cope if they say no? We are a culture who has been conditioned to feel a nasty twinge in our stomachs whenever we’re bluntly told no. It doesn’t feel good. This is one of those moments where you need to realize that this isn’t a personal affront to you; it’s about someone preserving their mental health. That person may have been asked the same question by three other people that day. They may be having an awful day because people keep commenting on their being trans instead of their kind heart or their diligence at work, things that really matter. You are not an asshole for asking. Just say “okay!” and move on. If they do say yes...
#3. Don’t ask them in public. Any personal questions, trans or not, should be asked privately. They may also not be “out” yet, and the knowledge you have about them may not be intended for the public. Just keep it on the downlow and ask them privately.
#4. Don’t ask them something you wouldn’t ask your coworker, neighbor, teacher, or pastor! Trans people are just people. Would you go up to your coworker and suddenly ask her if she plans on having kids? If she’s going to get her tubes tied? How big her breasts are? Would you go up to your pastor and ask him about his genitals? Trans people are not an exception to this because they are trans. The bottom line is that they’re people, and personal questions are just that, personal.
#5. What topics are typically considered “too personal”? Anything involving genitals, like top or bottom surgery. Anything involving breasts like chest-binding, mastectomies, etc. Anything involving fertility, like “What about having kids? Don’t you want to give birth?” That is their business, not yours. Also, I advise against asking them what their “birth name” is. In trans culture, that’s called a “dead name” for good reason; it’s been laid to rest. Our birth names are a shackle that we’ve broken through endurance, and the name has been buried. It needs to stay dead. No room for zombie names here.
#6. What is generally appropriate to ask? Pronouns. It’s always good to know someone’s pronouns. Ask “what are your pronouns” instead of “what are your preferred pronouns” because it’s not a preference, they’re just our pronouns. It’s good to ask if they’re out publicly, or if they’d rather keep it on the downlow for now. For example, if you’re talking to a 17 year old girl and she tells you she’s trans but says she isn’t out to her parents yet, it’s VERY important to keep that between the two of you. Her parents could be abusive, throw her out of the house, cut her off financially, any number of things. If you out her, you may potentially be putting her at risk. Another good thing to ask is “How can I be supportive to you?” or anything with that sentiment. Trans folk need love and support. Ask how you can be available. Keep communication open. Tell them when you don’t understand something, like vocabulary they use.
That’s it for today! I am always a resource not only to trans folk but to family and friends of trans folk, or just people who want to know more in general. Please feel free to ask me questions. Have a great day!
