#queertips says

[outforhealth]

QT Says: Prevention and planning

When it comes to your sexual health, it's important to acknowledge that sometimes what you plan for and hope or expect to do might not end up being what actually occurs.

We think it’s pretty important for people to take the time to plan, to the best of your abilities, how to make sure you’re informed and know what you need to do in your sex life to help protect yourself from getting/protecting your sexual partners from sharing and STI or causing a pregnancy/become pregnant.  

One big first step in making sure you understand what behaviors are related to what outcomes!  For instance, if you are trying not to get pregnant or get someone pregnant the key here is pretty simple --- no sperm should have access to eggs!  This means, if your sex life includes ejaculation with semen and another person that has ovaries and eggs...make sure there’s a barrier in place to prevent a path to the eggs for the semen!

AND, it's equally important to acknowledge that sometimes, things happen. Let's break down some solid planning for optimal sexual health, as well as options if something goes awry.

HIV:

Prevention: PrEP

PrEP is a daily pill that, if taken daily by an HIV-negative person, is over 90% effective in preventing HIV. if used with other prevention methods, like condoms, it's even more effective. If you're a sexually active person, PrEP may be a good option for you. Click here to learn more.

Oops, now what?

If you had a sexual encounter and believe you may have contracted HIV, or *could* have contracted HIV, PEP could be a big help. PEP is a series of pills you take after you think you might've been exposed to HIV, but you have to start it quick—within 72 hours of when you think you may have contracted HIV. Learn more here.

Other STIs:

Prevention: A bunch of ways

There are lots of ways to have safer sex and protect yourself as best you can from STIs—but barriers, like condoms and dental dams, are some of the easiest and most common methods to use.

Oops, now what?

There's no magic undo button to make sure you didn't contract an STI after sex (except PEP and HIV, which is kind of like magic), but there are still ways you can be safe. Get tested as soon as you can after having unprotected or unsafe sex, even if you don't notice any symptoms of an STI. A lot of people who have STIs don't have symptoms, so it's important to know your status and get tested so you, and your sexual partner(s), can stay safe and healthy.

Pregnancy:

Prevention: Birth control

Contraception takes many different forms. Birth control pills, the shot, the implant, LARCs—different methods work better for different folks. The point is, there are things you can do that prevent a pregnancy from happening. Find out what might work for you here.

Oops, now what?

If you had unprotected sex, emergency contraception can safely prevent pregnancy within 5 days of that sexual encounter. Learn more about how emergency contraception works and some of the not always talked about info about body weight and effectiveness! Missed that emergency contraception window?  If you are considering abortion you can learn more about your options here. From info about the abortion pill which works up to 10 weeks of pregnancy and you can usually take those medicines on your own, not at a health center, and also info about in-clinic abortion — you have options.

You can be prepared to protect your sexual health—and you can be prepared for being unprepared.

[outforhealth]

QT Says: Real or Not Real?

There's a lot of great sex ed out there in the world—and also a lot of misinformation and commonly deployed notions that just aren't true. Let's run through a few common ones:

There are many kinds of attraction.

Real: There are many different ways to be attracted to people! This can broadly be described as "orientation." The phrase you're probably used to hearing is sexual orientation, which, you guessed it, describes whatever gender(s) you're attracted to sexually—but there's also a whole host of other ways attraction exists. 

Who you're attracted to romantically and emotionally might overlap with, but not be the same as, the kind of people you're sexually attracted to—and who you're socially attracted to may be another thing entirely. Which is how someone can be a bisexual person who only dates women and femmes because that's where their romantic and emotional attraction overlaps with who they're sexually attracted to, but they almost exclusively hang out with masc-of-center people, because that's who they strike up friendships with most easily.

Not real: "Preferences" along the lines of the unfortunately typical "no fats, no femmes, no asians" are not forms of innate attraction. They are outgrowths of having absorbed and internalized fatphobia, homophobia and racism. That's not an orientation, but bias against one or more groups of people.

"Biological sex" describes two clear-cut categories in which one can easily file people.

Real: Most everyone is assigned a sex at birth, yes. More on that from Planned Parenthood Federation:

Medical factors, including your hormones, chromosomes, and genitals. Most people are assigned male or female, and this is what’s put on their birth certificates.

Not real: Sex isn't binary, either. From PPFA again:

When someone’s sexual and reproductive anatomy doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male, they may be described as intersex.

Some people call the sex we’re assigned at birth “biological sex.” But this term doesn’t fully capture the complex biological, anatomical, and chromosomal variations that can occur. Having only two options (male or female) might not describe what’s going on inside a person’s body.

Instead of saying “biological sex,” some people use the phrase “assigned male at birth” or “assigned female at birth.” This acknowledges that someone (often a doctor) is making a decision for someone else. The assignment of a biological sex may or may not align with what’s going on with a person’s body, how they feel, or how they identify.  

We couldn't have said it better ourselves. Sex, also, doesn't exist on a binary—and you can't tell just by looking at someone what they have going on hormonally, chromosomally or within their reproductive system.

Nonbinary identities are some hip new thing all the kids are trying on these days.

Real: Nonbinary people are fabulous, sure. And more people than ever are coming out as queer and trans, so it may seem like there are more enby folks around recently than there have been in the past.

Not real: Nonbinary identities aren't new, and they're not just something disaffected suburban teens came up with sometime during the second Obama administration. Nonbinary genders have existed in many cultures throughout human history—looking at everything as "male" or "female" hasn't always been the default way of looking at things, and there's no reason to perpetuate that myth.

I'm queer, so I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant, or about getting anyone else pregnant.

Real: Here's a breakdown of how pregnancy happens. If you're not having sex in a way that could *possibly* result in a sperm and an egg meeting up and forming an embryo, than yes, you are currently Exempt From Pregnancy.

Not real: Did you know queer youth are actually *more* likely than their non-queer peers to become pregnant or to cause a pregnancy? There are a variety of reasons for that—click the link to learn more—but your identity doesn't automatically mean you can't become pregnant or cause someone else to become pregnant. And friends who are on HRT, that goes for you, too—hormonal transition is not birth control, and it doesn't necessarily mean you can't become pregnant or co-author a pregnancy.

We're not outlining myths to dunk on anyone or make anyone feel foolish for misunderstanding something—we all have more to learn, and we can exercise our agency best when we have all the facts. Here's a jumping off-point to get started.

[outforhealth]

QT Says: On Codependent Relationships

'Tis the season for a lot of things. As we get into winter it's now officially "cuffing season," when some folks settle into relationships to ride through the cold, dark months ahead. Other folks are getting ready to leave for the semester, or are traveling to visit family, and will be (however briefly) separated from their partners and really close friends.

For some folks, that brief separation can be uncomfortable or not ideal—it is totally normal to miss your friends and partner(s)!—but it’s still manageable. And for others, the idea of even a short time away from a partner or friend can seem impossibly painful. As in, "I can't live without you" or "they won't be okay without me"-level painful. Which brings us to today's topic: codependency.

Often mistaken for intimacy or caring, codependency takes that interpersonal closeness and crosses a line—or all the lines, really. Here's Scarleteen's definition of codependency:

"A term used to describe people who become so dependent on someone else, they make their own selves and lives about that other person. Often, this happens because someone very much wants to avoid themselves, or being by themselves, rather than really getting closer to anyone, including themselves. Codependence is usually based in big fears of being abandoned or alone."

Here's another definition:

"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior."

Whatever causes it's rooted in, codependency creates an enmeshment “ where one partner completely gives themselves over to the needs of the other partner. And we're not talking about someone going out of their way to drop off soup at their boyfriend's apartment after work because he got the flu. Codependency usually looks like one or both partners completely erasing the boundaries between them as two separate people, resulting in one partner completely relying on the other, both emotionally and in their everyday life.

Humans are social creatures. We rely on each other for emotional support and companionship in friendships, romantic and sexual relationships, and even as peers or coworkers. But it's when over-reliance begins to develop, and boundaries begin to be  ignored or eliminated, it might be time to reassess your relationship. Just a refresher, here's a great definition of exactly what boundaries are:

"Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs."

Which is to say, if the difference between your wants and desires and those of your partner are indistinct, or you feel completely responsible for your partner's emotional state, the boundaries between the two of you may be unhealthily shaky. No matter how "caring" the intentions, one partner taking control over another's life isn't healthy for either of you.

Here's the thing, some relationships can have codependent elements without being completely off-the-rails "drop everything and never talk to this person" unsalvageable. The issue is, when the lines between you and your partner or friends are too blurred, you can't be yourself, because there is no "self." There's just you in this relationship, and no "you" who exists outside of it. And you can't be your most authentic self if your whole sense of self is wrapped up in someone else's thoughts, opinions and relationship to you.

If you feel like you might be involved in a codependent relationship, here are some more resources for you:

Scarleteen's piece on intimacy covers a lot of ground, including codependency and enmeshment.

Codependency and Gay Youth

Co-Dependents Anonymous

Beyond Codependency (a free PDF of the book!)

Lesbians and Codependency

Advice for Codependency in Gay Mens Relationships

One of our big recommendations for life and relationships is cultivating self-awareness and communication skills. Both go along way toward seeing any hints of codependency in you, partners, or friends and diving in to explore the why, how’s, and changes you might want to see.

[outforhealth]

QueerTips Says: Queer Tips for the workplace

No matter the job you’re starting or how long you’ve been out, being queer in the professional world can pose some real challenges and some interesting opportunities. Here are a few items to keep in mind to navigate being queer in the workplace:

Learn about the company culture during the hiring process: Not everyone has the opportunity to be picky about the job they take on, but if you have the luxury of not needing a job right this minute, the hiring process is a great place to figure out whether or not your potential employer is LGBTQ friendly. Researching them online is key, but you can also ask the interviewer questions about the business without tipping your hand as a big ol’ queermo: ask questions about the company’s commitment to inclusion and diversity, or even broad questions about the company culture or who you’d be working with if you were hired, can give you a helpful window into the kind of environment you would be entering into. And when you make it to the part of a hiring process where you are being offered a job and learning about possible (hopeful!) benefits you can also ask specific questions about things like health care coverage -- does the plan cover birth control, abortion, transition related care, gender affirming surgeries? Do unmarried partners have access to benefits?

You don’t have to be out at work: People think about personal privacy differently -- some are really comfortable sharing personal information and others aren’t. You get to decide what's right for you. Of course, a quirk with queer is that the mere fact of many of us showing up and opening our mouths about our life or weekend plans might be an outing of sorts -- this is the part where being queer in a predominantly not queer world can pose different opportunities and challenges. The key here is thinking it through and making an intentional decision. Could being out at work potentially cost you the job, result in harassment from your coworkers or boss or endanger your safety?  You don’t have to be out at work. Yes, being in the closet sucks, but like we said before, we don’t all have the luxury of choosing exactly where we want to work. It’s up to you to weigh the mental and emotional cost of being closeted with the cost of being out in a potentially unsupportive environment, but know you’re not doing anything wrong by not being out to your colleagues. (And if you’re not out, don’t forget to lock your social media profiles and block your coworkers.)

Beware the grapevine: If you don’t want to be out to everyone, but are considering letting a few coworkers you like or trust know, take a moment to consider what it would be like for you if they chose to share that information with other coworkers. You can be direct and ask them to keep this information confidential. We’re big advocates of clear and direct communication but we also know that humans are humans and the grapevine is so real.  The person you came out to could have a moment of thoughtlessness or naivety, or, sadly, they could also end up being a jerky human. You get to choose what private information you share, we do this all the time as humans. And most of us have some really wonderful stories of relationship building after coming out and some of us have not-great stories of people hurting us too. As always, it’s about being thoughtful and intentional and making your own decision.

Find your allies: It can feel a bit bleak sometimes, but seriously, not every workplace is a homophobic/transphobic nightmare! You can, and probably will, find some allies—whether they be other queer people or just solid, supportive folks—with whom you can talk through any difficulties you may encounter, or plan activities or policies that will bring your workplace together and better the culture.

You have the power to effect positive change: By being out at work, especially if you’re the only or one of the only queer people at your job, you have the opportunity to work with your colleagues and supervisors to create an environment that’s welcoming for LGBTQ people and people from marginalized populations in general. Whether it’s seemingly small, interpersonal things like correcting a coworker who misgenders someone or modeling inclusive language, or something larger-scale, like working with management to create and institute LGBTQ-friendly policies and protections, having even a little bit of support and room to be yourself means you can help make your workplace better for others you work with, and those who might come after you.

There are some excellent organizations with useful resources about LGBTQ people at work, check ‘em out:

Out & Equal Workplace Advocates is dedicated to achieving lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer workplace equality. They have resources, sample policies, and hold an annual conferecne and support some regaional LGBTQ emplyee gatherings.

There a few different places on the always excellent website of the National Center for Transgender Equality that address transgender people’s needs and rights at work.

And the great folks at The Transgender Law Center also have a resource about Model Transgender Employment Policies.  

Good luck out there whether you are job searching, thinking about coming out, already out and figuring out what that means...you got this!

[outforhealth]

QT Says: On being queer and sober

Here’s a quandary that most queers face at one (or many!) point(s) in their life: Where do I meet other queers? While the Internet is great for fostering community globally, sometimes you want to know other LGBTQ+ folks in your own backyard, whether that be a city, a suburb, or a research facility in Antarctica. (Truthfully, this article probably won’t help with the last one. Sorry.)

The catch, for many people, is that a LOT of queer events take place in bars, or otherwise revolve around an alcohol-fueled situation. While queer bars are important spaces for the LGBTQ+ community both historically and today, as places to find community, solidarity, and an affordable mixed drink, it can sometimes seem like the only place to find Local Queers Near You are at designated queer bars.

This can be a problem if you don’t drink. Or if you’re in recovery. Or maybe just not into the drinking scene or are under 21. For a lot of good reasons some people just don’t find bars to be places they want to be or hang out. And that’s absolutely okay!

We know some people pressure their friends/acquaintances about this kind of stuff; that sucks. We think you know this down deep inside but for real: If you feel pressured by people in your life to drink or to put any substance in your body that you don’t want to, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or brussels sprouts, know that’s that is NOT okay. It can sometimes be hard and really important to do what’s right for you! And even if you know that — even if you’re fully at peace with your “nah” approach to booze — that doesn’t necessarily fix the problem of where to meet and hang out with other queer folks outside of the bar scene.

For folks under 21, you might be able to find a local GSA or queer youth group, you can check out GLSEN chapters here or find local LGBT Centers here. In bigger towns or cities, there are sites like Meetup that might be able to offer you a slew of events like queer speed dating, game nights, or bowling. Some cities may have queer or feminist bookstores that host events or are just generally safe spaces to spend time at. A more recent trend is that of popular websites or podcasts (both queer and not) hosting meetups in certain areas — so websites like Autostraddle or podcasts like Nancy might have Facebook groups where queer fans can connect up with folks from their area. (With all of the attendant risks of meeting up with randos from the internet, of course. Be safe out there, friends.) Also, think about what it is you like to do! Are you itching for a new D&D campaign? Prefer a book group? Or kickball? Sometimes starting with those things can help, even though that may not be am immediately queer kind of space, it can sometimes be a good place to start non-bar based socializing!

Finally, if there’s one thing queers are good at, it’s creating spaces and events for themselves where there were none. If your dream is to host a bunch of queers for a game night or another non-alcohol based activity, see if you can connect up with a local bookstore, cafe or gaming shop to host the big, queer event of your dreams. Find a local event space and host a big LGBTQ dance party/ fundraiser for a cause. If the space you want isn’t there, consider what it might take for your to create it. LGBTQ folks have been doing that same thing throughout history — it’s your queer, sober legacy to inherit!

And when you do start that monthly queer game night, please invite us. We’ll bring snacks.

[outforhealth]

Queertips Says: HIV testing and prevention

Hi friends! To mark national HIV testing day, we’re going to talk a little bit about why you’ll want to get tested for HIV. If you don’t need to know more and merely needed the reminder to schedule your appointment, book one now.

Maybe you think HIV isn’t that big a deal — you’ve heard a lot about it, but you haven’t heard a lot about it lately. And while it’s true that HIV isn’t the death sentence it was in the 80’s and 90’s, HIV is far from eradicated. While the overall infection rate has dropped, certain communities — particularly portions of the LGBTQ population, including QPOC — have actually seen a recent increase in HIV infections.

Here’s the deal: no matter your sexual orientation, gender identity, age, race or ethnicity, you could be at risk for HIV. If you’re a sexually active person who has had, or might have sex that involves an exchange of fluids, HIV is something you’re going to need to get tested for. (You’re going to want to get tested for STIs in general — some STIs can make you more likely to contract HIV because they already weaken your immune system.) 

And it’s not all doom and gloom! Here’s a handy list of tips and ways you can protect yourself:

Get tested

Make sure your partners get tested too

It’s super important to get tested and treated during the same period of time as your partner(s)! Why? If you get tested and treated but your partner(s) don’t you get into a cycle of reinfection that can also impact how well treatment works the next time! Cool thing, at Planned Parenthood we can provide partner treatment without an exam for many STIs, so that means if you have an STI we provide treatment that you can get for your sexual partner(s) too! Ask about “partner treatment without an exam!”

Use protection! What we mean by that is some kind of latex or polyurethane barrier between you and your partner’s fluids, like condoms or dental dams.

PrEP is available for everyone (not just gay cis men, as some folks think)

PEP is also available if needed

 Not sure what PEP and PrEP are?

PrEP is a pill you take once per day that can help prevent the user from contracting HIV. PEP can be taken by someone within 72 hours of a sexual encounter where you might have been exposed for HIV. These treatments are relatively new, which is why folks might not have heard of them, but they’re proven to be highly effective and are doing a lot to help reduce HIV transmissions.

If you are HIV positive, it’s also not the end of the world. Treatments are available, and you can find support groups in your area — or online, through resources like Poz Magazine — to help you thrive.

Find a Planned Parenthood near you, and get tested. Be well, all.

[outforhealth]

QueerTips Says: How to Survive a Panic Attack

Let’s start with a quick list of things that have caused me to have, or very nearly have, a panic attack:

Had to get on an airplane in 24 hours

Being awake at 3 am

Being awake at 3 am and hungry

Had 2 beers

Reading the news on Twitter

Twitter, generally

Election night 2016

Pre-transition clothes shopping

Seeing any themes? Of course you are, because you’re brilliant, and you look great in that top. Before we get into how to deal with a panic attack when it’s actually happening, let’s touch on how to manage anxiety and some of the other factors that can accumulate into a panic attack or other unpleasant mental health issues.

HALT. Remember this: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If your current state of being involves one of these factors, you aren’t operating at full capacity. If you’re experiencing two or more of these factors, it can be a quick slide into panic land. Just look at my quick list of inciting moments — I know that if I’m alone* late at night, or hungry, or if my dysphoria’s acting up, I’m more vulnerable to a mental health hiccup like a panic attack.

HALT is a pretty universal self-assessment tool. If you catch yourself feeling off, do a quick check to see if you’re experiencing one or more of the letters in the acronym. It’s easier to walk yourself back from some minor stress by having a granola bar, taking a walk, texting a friend or going to bed than it is to bounce back after a panic attack.

And if you do have a panic attack, hey! That sucks. It’s not your fault. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to avoid it. With the full knowledge that it’s hard to think clearly about anything at all when you’re having a panic attack, here are a few suggestions on how to cope:

BREATHE. Your only job for the next minute is to breathe. Try taking a few steady breaths. Maybe time your breathing with this, or count a few seconds in, and a few seconds out. If you remember one thing, just try and keep your breathing steady. Everything else will fall into place.

Keep a secret calming stash: Maybe it’s a picture of your cat, or a video of a dog dancing to Toto’s “Africa”, or a very chill song you’re into. And can be helpful to have a single thing to focus on; try keeping something easily accessible on your phone or on your person for when things get a little off-kilter.

HYDRATE if you can.  

This too shall pass. Whatever your speed of internal mantra is, remember that panic attacks don’t last forever. You will come out through the other side of it. It will not kill you, and no matter how much it feels this way, you are not dying. Not today. The feeling sucks. But it will pass. It always does.

Mental health is a tricky high-wire act for a lot of people these days, especially queers and those with one or more marginalized identities. Take care of you and yours. Be well.

*Quick note here — "alone" and "lonely" aren't the same thing. Being alone is a neutral assessment of "there are no other people in my immediate vicinity," and can be a totally pleasant experience — like, for example, being solitary in one's own space and scrolling through tumblr. Being LONELY is the state of being solitary while desiring the company of others. Subtle difference.

[outforhealth]

QueerTips Says (update): Pap tests and birth control matter, even if you’re queer

Hey queermos! Did you know the CDC released some new guidelines about when you should get a pap test? It also comes in a handy .pdf. Did you know and just not care, because you’re queer and figure that your awesome queerness makes your vagina and various vagina-parts coated in awesome Queer Titanium that keeps out infections, STDs and cancers?

We hate to break it to you, but if you have the parts— however much or little you use them, or with whom— and you’re over 21, you should get them regularly checked out. You never know when a family of goblins will move in there. Or, more seriously, whether you can detect cervical cancer early and save your own life.

Here is what the Center for Disease Control (otherwise known as the CDC) says about when you should get a pap test, what to do before the pap test, and all the stuff a pap test screens for. It’s incredibly important and can save your life. Even if you’re queer. Especially if you’re queer:

But here was a lesbian whose mother died of reproductive cancer, who has a history of painful and irregular periods, who just got left out, abandoned, and rendered invisible by a medical system that seems more comfortable with holding birth control hostage by requiring a Pap for pills than with peeling back the layers of paternalism, heterosexism, and health disparities to say, hey, yeah, you know what, it’s just really smart and super important for us to take a look at your cervix every now and then.

tl;dnr: Pap tests and HPV tests screen for cancer, and if you catch it early— which you will, since you should start getting screened when you’re 21— you can detect any cancers before they get out of hand and generally keep yourself and your reproductive organs safe and sound.

Click here to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood today.