Hi, I don't know what it means to be ‘otherkin’ or ‘alterhuman’, or an “IRL” or “DA” really. I don't understand and I want help and to find people I can talk to and relate to what I'm going through. I have tried to do research on all of these, but I still don’t feel like I understand, and what I do understand doesn’t completely feel like me. So I was hoping if you saw this, you could read my experience and give me advice.
I have maybe like four ‘others’. Others being ways I view myself, or find myself viewing/identifying as.
I just feel so disconnected from the real world. I really struggle to feel real. Sometimes that means dulled to no emotions. And then because I don’t feel real, I'm impulsive cause I don't think of the consequences of my actions.
I sometimes confuse dreams with reality. It is a problem I have a lot. Dreams of my mother abusing me which didn’t actually happen, but affect my feelings towards her in the real world and cause me distress.. Sometimes I dream of a regular day in life, with maybe a few signs it’s a dream, but I think it’s real, and then have to be devastated when I figure out it’s a dream or wake up. Sometimes I get stuck in a loop of me trying to will myself to wake up from a dream, and it will seem like I’ve succeeded, only for me to wake up again and again to it still being a dream.
I just feel really disconnected from life. All the time I'll just suddenly "pop" or blink and be like "oh wait yeah this is real... Do I feel real? How do I feel right now? Is this how a normal person feels? It feels so weird."
I almost 100% think I used to experience a lot more dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization, clearly from like a year ago when I was in public school, but now it feels less. Like I certainly feel disconnected, but I have had way worse. And maybe I’ve gotten more used to it that it just became a new normal.
I'd say the best way to put it, is that I feel like I have past lives. I feel like I've been abused and tortured and all this stuff has happened to me, but that's not real life and that didn't happen. Do I have perfect memories of these past lives or whatever, no. My dad just says I'm extremely empathetic to people who have experienced things, but if thats so, then why does it feel like it hurts me so much.
For all my “episodes” of feeling like an “other” I feel inhuman, unreal, and out of place in the world. I feel I struggle to be human. I struggle to be the girl I’m supposed to be, because suddenly I’m not her, and I don’t know her, I don’t know what she would do. I have her memories but they don’t feel like mine. I feel like a ghost watching. I'm an NPC that's not been programmed. I'm here and awake when I'm not supposed to be.
My main/recurring ‘others’
- 1. The angel. My episodes include me feeling/believing that I am some fallen imprisoned angel that was given a job to become host of this body. I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have wings, but that part isn't always constant. I feel like I’m supposed to ‘carry the burdens’ of the original host’s life.
- 2. The doll. Similar to the angel, I am a doll that was chosen to become host of the body. I am a doll who is supposed to follow orders and bring joy. This one used to be much more prominent as I was a child.
- 3. The creature. This one is sort of a general descriptor for feeling inhumane. My head feels off a lot, like I'm supposed to have like anime girl cat ears, but there are none and so I feel off. I feel off in the family and more like an object or pet. Mainly object.
- 4. Weirdest one, please don’t laugh or call me cringe, but C!Tommy. It's not like the others where I feel like I've been given the mission to be host and protect. It's like I feel like I am c!Tommy sometimes. Like I can remember parts of exile and being hurt and tortured. Like my life as me was never real and that I am c!Tommy and was him in another life. I know I'm not him, but I also feel like I am. When I feel like I am c!Tommy, I like he/him pronouns. Which usually for me I feel more nonbinary-woman aligned. I know I’m not a boy/man, but part of me feels like I am. It’s like there are two me’s, one that is the actual me(host?) and one that believes she is c!Tommy (The delusion)
And I think one of the worst parts of all of these, is feeling like I have or that I have a strong connection to being abused. And like I just can't remember it. Remember all the details. But reading about stuff, it all just hits a little too close to home. I don't feel like I'm just being empathetic.
So yeah I just get into states where I don’t feel real. And sometimes during that state, I feel like I am an ‘other’. Not even sometimes, it is like always like this. It’s like “I don’t feel real right now….. What does real feel like? I am ____. I know I am not. But also I am.” These two me’s battling inside. One the believer (delusion) and me (The doubt/reality)
I don’t know how to put it, it’s like when ‘I don’t feel real’ I am waking up from a dream. The dream was whatever I was doing before I “woke up”. The experience I just went through doesn’t feel real. That doesn’t feel like real life. Now doesn’t feel real either, but at least I’m ‘awake’ and not ‘part of the matrix’.
So yes I feel like. “Yes I am an angel. That is who I am” and then sometimes I go to’ sleep’ and feel like I’m a human. But when I “wake up” I am not human. I am usually an angel (most common ‘other’ feeling). I tell myself I am not an angel, I know it’s not true, but part of me believes I am an angel and I can’t stop believing it.
And thats how it usually is. Usually there are the two of us. Me(delusion) and myself(reality), we’re fighting for dominance, and we feel so out of place in life. We want to go ‘back to sleep’ but even that doesn’t feel all that much better. When we’re ‘sleeping’ we still feel some level of unrealness/unreality, we’re just not acknowledging it or completely aware of it.
Then, it’s only happened a few times, not many I can remember, when we’ll have a full episode. where me(delusion) takes over and we 100% feel like an ’other’. We don’t immediately panic like we don’t know where we are. Cause usually when this happens it is one of the other’s that believe they were tasked with becoming the new host, and so being here wouldn’t be so strange. But when it happened with c!tommy, I kinda just blinked my eyes, and was like “I am c!Tommy. What am I doing here?” and I(Tommy) was aware of a decent amount of information regarding the body, but I was Tommy. And I couldn’t stop thinking about exile enough to think about much more. just “Oh yeah I exist in this girl’s head, not really sure why, but I’m Tommy, and- Oh gosh exile was awful! I’m so happy I’m not in exile right now! And!-oh, but what about my friends…. But at least I’m not in exile!” and then when the episode ends, I(reality) wake back up and am like “what the fudge was that. That doesn’t feel like me. These memories don’t feel like mine. But that clearly just happened….”
And during some of these I don’t know how to describe them, call them, almost manic psychotic episodes, sometimes I also become obsessed with something like DID, and start thinking “Yes I must have DID. this must be what this is!” and then again, I’ll ‘wake up’ and be like. “No you don’t, silly.” or “what was I talking about? Of course I don’t have DID.” and again all my memories of when the episode was happening feel distant and not 100% mine.
I just never feel real, and my memories always feel distant and like they don’t belong to me. And I can’t function or live my life! And I know I must be going through some sort of psychosis, I’m in the process of trying to get a doctor to talk to me, but I wanted to ask the internet. Do I fit ‘kins’ or IRL/DA ? I just want to meet some people that have an inch of understanding of what I’m going through.
I don’t understand what it means to have a spiritual connection to something. I feel like I relate to something, and I feel like I am it, but I know I’m not. Yes I use the “past life” card to try to explain it, but I don’t actually believe in past lives, and Tommyiinnit definitely wasn’t one of them. And I also don't believe there is a parallel universe where the dsmp was real.
Thank you for any help or advice you can offer. And I'm sorry if anything I've said has upset you. Sincerely.