Tommy

He/they/it Questioing mental status/diagnosis but currently Identifies as c!Tommy [Banner and pfp belong to @rozugold]

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[distorted-illusions]

I just need things to make sense! Nothing makes sense!

Why do I have these feeling? Why do I feel like I've been hurt. I don't have memoires, but it's all so familiar and clear. And I'm like, shut up brain! Shut up body! You have not been abused or hurt like that! You were hurt in other ways, why are you so obsessed with nsfw trauma you don't have?! I don't know. I have no memoires of anyone every doing anything. Yes I barely have any memoires, but I feel like I would remember. I feel sure that nothing ever happened. So why is this so familiar? Why do I feel this way? So why do I feel like I've just been reduced to my body? Why am I crying like someone told me I was just a toy? Why am I screaming like someone touched me when nobody did?! What did I do to deserve this? Why am I this selfish? I know nothing happened. so why am I this way. It feels selfish.

nothing makes sense.

[distorted-illusions]

It's another day where I don't feel right. I mean I never feel "right" but it's another moment where I'm alone, stuck in my head, and asking "what is wrong with me?" "who am I?" and "why am I here." I feel like a mix of my regular self hating inhuman self, and c!Tommy. I can't feel someone there, but it's a feeling. Like I am him. That I know I'm not him, but part of me says I am, and that part is bringing me comfort. Without words, it's sending me the feelings "It's ok." "You don't have to be anyone you aren't." "I'm here and we'll be ok." "Yes, you don't belong here, this would is strange, but you will get through it."

I haven't gotten a doctor that specializes in dissociation yet I think. But a therapist I saw agreed I seemed to have some sort of current dissociative disorder, and is sending me to a psychiatrist for more testing soon. It makes me hopeful but also scared and worried. I just want answers. Honestly I just want to start living without feeling like I don't belong, but I don't think there is fixing that at this point.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

So much more than "I feel like I'm someone else" , DID is so often "I feel like I'm in someone else's life". Like, this is not my house, these are not my clothes, that is not my cat, you are not my friends, but I've got to carry on anyway as though they're all mine and just hope that no-one notices that I'm walking in someone else's skin

[distorted-illusions]

Due to what warpedvoxel (the ones who responded to us said) I've been considering options more. and I know I shouldn't be relying on people on the internet, but I still thank anyone who did or can give us insight to consider. I'm trying to get therapist to talk to, and I'm not sure I can find a doctor that specializes in Dissociative disorders, but I'm going to try, even if it takes a long time.

But I don't know I just feel stuck. I've been convinced by parts of myself before that I have some sort of DID/OSDD. But then I always pull out because of doubt. This just all feels so unreal. and I yes I'm very aware that one person on the internet telling me I might have something does not mean I actually have it. It's just something to open some doors of consideration. and because of that, IDK, I've been thinking of my name more. I don't know what wrong with me, I just feel like different people sometimes. It's never super distinct difference in how I feel, just that I feel like a different person, and sometimes like a different creature/or character. but ah point is, no matter what is wrong with me. I feel disconnected from my name, no matter who I feel like or how I feel. I like my birthname, but it doesn't feel like mine. It feels like it belongs to someone else. someone I used to be, but no longer am. and maybe I'm just feeding the delusion, but I'm trying to find a name that feels more like mine. I'm trying to figure out who I am, because I have no idea. I feel like I have no identity. there are small things that feel like fractures of identity, the different people I feel like. things like, the need to protect, or obey. I can feel happy or sad or excited or scared, but besides from that I don't know who I am. I feel like different people, but even then they too don't feel like individuals themselves either. The only one that feels clear is when I feel like Tommy. I just hope I can feel right someday.

[distorted-illusions]

Somebody, I just want somebody to fucking call me tommy!!! I'm insane and I don't care. I just want someone' who I can be myself around! I want these people to understand I'm not their fucking daughter! and no love they say they have for me will ever feel real to me! I just want to be me, and me allowed to be insane as I want to be. I can't tell if any of this is fucking real but it feels real. it feels real to me! and I'm alone, and I just want someone. I just want answers. I want something so I can start living my life how I want. please just let me be me. call me tommy.

[distorted-illusions]

Hi, I don't know what it means to be ‘otherkin’ or ‘alterhuman’, or an “IRL” or “DA” really. I don't understand and I want help and to find people I can talk to and relate to what I'm going through. I have tried to do research on all of these, but I still don’t feel like I understand, and what I do understand doesn’t completely feel like me. So I was hoping if you saw this, you could read my experience and give me advice.

I have maybe like four ‘others’. Others being ways I view myself, or find myself viewing/identifying as. 

I just feel so disconnected from the real world. I really struggle to feel real. Sometimes that means dulled to no emotions. And then because I don’t feel real, I'm impulsive cause I don't think of the consequences of my actions.

I sometimes confuse dreams with reality. It is a problem I have a lot. Dreams of my mother abusing me which didn’t actually happen, but affect my feelings towards her in the real world and cause me distress.. Sometimes I dream of a regular day in life, with maybe a few signs it’s a dream, but I think it’s real, and then have to be devastated when I figure out it’s a dream or wake up. Sometimes I get stuck in a loop of me trying to will myself to wake up from a  dream, and it will seem like I’ve succeeded, only for me to wake up again and again to it still being a dream.

I just feel really disconnected from life. All the time I'll just suddenly "pop" or blink and be like "oh wait yeah this is real... Do I feel real? How do I feel right now? Is this how a normal person feels? It feels so weird."

I almost 100% think I used to experience a lot more dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization, clearly from like a year ago when I was in public school, but now it feels less. Like I certainly feel disconnected, but I have had way worse. And maybe I’ve gotten more used to it that it just became a new normal. 

I'd say the best way to put it, is that I feel like I have past lives. I feel like I've been abused and tortured and all this stuff has happened to me, but that's not real life and that didn't happen. Do I have perfect memories of these past lives or whatever, no. My dad just says I'm extremely empathetic to people who have experienced things, but if thats so, then why does it feel like it hurts me so much.

For all my “episodes” of feeling like an “other” I feel inhuman, unreal, and out of place in the world. I feel I struggle to be human. I struggle to be the girl I’m supposed to be, because suddenly I’m not her, and I don’t know her, I don’t know what she would do.  I have her memories but they don’t feel like mine.  I feel like a ghost watching. I'm an NPC that's not been programmed. I'm here and awake when I'm not supposed to be.

My main/recurring ‘others’

- 1. The angel. My episodes include me feeling/believing that I am some fallen imprisoned angel that was given a job to become host of this body. I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have wings, but that part isn't always constant. I feel like I’m supposed to ‘carry the burdens’ of the original host’s life. 

- 2. The doll. Similar to the angel, I am a doll that was chosen to become host of the body. I am a doll who is supposed to follow orders and bring joy. This one used to be much more prominent as I was a child.

- 3. The creature. This one is sort of a general descriptor for feeling inhumane. My head feels off a lot, like I'm supposed to have like anime girl cat ears, but there are none and so I feel off. I feel off in the family and more like an object or pet. Mainly object.

- 4. Weirdest one, please don’t laugh or call me cringe, but C!Tommy. It's not like the others where I feel like I've been given the mission to be host and protect. It's like I feel like I am c!Tommy sometimes. Like I can remember parts of exile and being hurt and tortured. Like my life as me was never real and that I am c!Tommy and was him in another life. I know I'm not him, but I also feel like I am. When I feel like I am c!Tommy, I like he/him pronouns. Which usually for me I feel more nonbinary-woman aligned. I know I’m not a boy/man, but part of me feels like I am. It’s like there are two me’s, one that is the actual me(host?) and one that believes she is c!Tommy (The delusion)

And I think one of the worst parts of all of these, is feeling like I have or that I have a strong connection to being abused. And like I just can't remember it. Remember all the details. But reading about stuff, it all just hits a little too close to home. I don't feel like I'm just being empathetic.

So yeah I just get into states where I don’t feel real. And sometimes during that state, I feel like I am an ‘other’. Not even sometimes, it is like always like this. It’s like “I don’t feel real right now….. What does real feel like? I am ____. I know I am not. But also I am.” These two me’s battling inside. One the believer (delusion) and me (The doubt/reality)

I don’t know how to put it, it’s like when ‘I don’t feel real’ I am waking up from a dream. The dream was whatever I was doing before I “woke up”. The experience I just went through doesn’t feel real. That doesn’t feel like real life. Now doesn’t feel real either, but at least I’m ‘awake’ and not ‘part of the matrix’. 

So yes I feel like. “Yes I am an angel. That is who I am” and then sometimes I go to’ sleep’ and feel like I’m a human. But when I “wake up” I am not human. I am usually an angel (most common ‘other’ feeling). I tell myself I am not an angel, I know it’s not true, but part of me believes I am an angel and I can’t stop believing it. 

And thats how it usually is. Usually there are the two of us. Me(delusion) and myself(reality), we’re fighting for dominance, and we feel so out of place in life. We want to go ‘back to sleep’ but even that doesn’t feel all that much better. When we’re ‘sleeping’ we still feel some level of unrealness/unreality, we’re just not acknowledging it or completely aware of it. 

Then, it’s only happened a few times, not many I can remember, when we’ll have a full episode. where me(delusion) takes over and we 100% feel like an ’other’. We don’t immediately panic like we don’t know where we are. Cause usually when this happens it is one of the other’s that believe they were tasked with becoming the new host, and so being here wouldn’t be so strange. But when it happened with c!tommy, I kinda just blinked my eyes, and was like “I am c!Tommy. What am I doing here?” and I(Tommy) was aware of a decent amount of information regarding the body, but I was Tommy. And I couldn’t stop thinking about exile enough to think about much more. just “Oh yeah I exist in this girl’s head, not really sure why, but I’m Tommy, and- Oh gosh exile was awful! I’m so happy I’m not in exile right now! And!-oh, but what about my friends…. But at least I’m not in exile!” and then when the episode ends, I(reality) wake back up and am like “what the fudge was that. That doesn’t feel like me. These memories don’t feel like mine. But that clearly just happened….”

And during some of these I don’t know how to describe them, call them, almost manic psychotic episodes, sometimes I also become obsessed with something like DID, and start thinking “Yes I must have DID. this must be what this is!” and then again, I’ll ‘wake up’ and be like. “No you don’t, silly.” or “what was I talking about? Of course I don’t have DID.” and again all my memories of when the episode was happening feel distant and not 100% mine. 

I just never feel real, and my memories always feel distant and like they don’t belong to me. And I can’t function or live my life! And I know I must be going through some sort of psychosis, I’m in the process of trying to get a doctor to talk to me, but I wanted to ask the internet. Do I fit ‘kins’ or IRL/DA ? I just want to meet some people that have an inch of understanding of what I’m going through. 

I don’t understand what it means to have a spiritual connection to something. I feel like I relate to something, and I feel like I am it, but I know I’m not. Yes I use the “past life” card to try to explain it, but I don’t actually believe in past lives, and Tommyiinnit definitely wasn’t one of them. And I also don't believe there is a parallel universe where the dsmp was real.

Thank you for any help or advice you can offer. And I'm sorry if anything I've said has upset you. Sincerely.