#questioning enby

[raavenb2619]

Hi. Recently I’ve been questioning my gender.I never really realised that most people feel their gender innately. I’ve never felt like a male and so presumed I was female but If I don’t think I’ve ever really felt female either. I just feel like me. I don’t mind she/her pronouns but I’ve been thinking I might like they/them.I’m worried I’m just overthinking it because I don’t feel the need to present androgynous my appearance doesn’t bother me much.How do I know im not just overthinking and cis?

I can’t tell you if you’re cis or not, because the only person who can determine that is you. That said, I can tell you that most cis people don’t question their gender at all or worry about overthinking gender. As far as I can tell, most cis people have a confident, internal sense and understanding of their gender. My #cisgender-experiences tag has some submissions from cis people talking about gender, and if that doesn’t line up with your experiences, that might be because you might not be cis. In particular, if you don’t feel gender at all, that might be a sign that you’re agender. 

I’ll also say that gender presentation and transition are personal, and there isn’t a set way you have to transition or present yourself be a certain gender. For example, some nonbinary people want to present androgynously, while other nonbinary people prefer to present more in line with expectations of male or female gender presentation, and still other nonbinary don’t really care how other people see them. (The same sort of variation is also true for nonbinary people and the pronouns they use.)

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I think I might be agender. But my femininity and masculinity fluctuates. No matter what I am I’m a mix but sometimes I’m more feminine and sometimes I’m more masculine even though most of the time I’m androgynous with a bit of those. Do you think I’d be agender?

In the nonbinary community, we most commonly talk about agender people as not having or feeling gender at all, although there is considerable variation in how people use the word “agender”, including sometimes a sort of “neutral” or “flavorless” gender. Some other words that could describe that sort of “androgynous” feeling could be gender neutral, neutrois, or potentially maverique, depending on the specifics of your experiences. 

If you’re looking for words for describing gender that changes over time, you might find genderfluid (the “flavor” of gender you feel changes over time) and/or genderflux (how “strong” your gender is changes over time) helpful. You might also find words like bigender, trigender, or polygender useful. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Is it bad if i still consider myself cis but kinda like being called they/them sometimes? I identify w/my birth gender still, gender neutral pronouns just feel like a comforting blanket i can put on whenever

This is perfectly alright. Pronouns are just a part of gender presentation, and anyone can have whatever gender presentation they want, even if it doesn’t “match” with societal expectations for how you should present. Some boys like wearing dresses, and some nonbinary people use she/her pronouns, so I think it’s okay for cis people to use they/them pronouns. 

That said, you might want to think about why they/them pronouns feel comfortable to you. I can’t answer that for you, nor can I tell you whether you’re really cis or not. However, I can tell you that most cis people feel a connection to their gender (as in, they feel like they are their gender 100%), and they probably wouldn’t describe they/them pronouns like “a comforting blanket”. If you don’t really feel like you are your AGAB, but you don’t really feel like you’re the “““opposite””” gender of your AGAB, you might be nonbinary. There are lots of different identities that fall under the nonbinary umbrella, and some nonbinary experiences can be very different from others. Some people feel like multiple genders simultaneously; other people feel like one gender at a time, but which gender that is changes over time; some people don’t feel any gender at all; other people feel that their gender gets “stronger” or “weaker” over time; some people feel something that can’t be defined or related to masculinity or femininity at all; other people don’t know exactly how they feel, but still know they’re nonbinary. There’s no one way to be nonbinary (and along with that, there’s no one way to “dress” or “act” nonbinary). 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Is it ok to use the nb term if I only sometimes feel like a girl? I don't really care about my gender, often I don't really feel it that much anyway. I think? Honestly I'm not even sure I understand how gender is supposed to feel like, I'm confused? Yesterday I drew a moustache on myself and omg did that feel so great. I lowkey wish I was a boy that was feminine and not a girl trying to look like a feminine boy if that makes sense, tho I wouldn't want to transition

These asks might be able to answer your questions, but if not, feel free to follow up. 

[raavenb2619]

So if I wish I was trans, there's a chance that I am? I have no idea if I'm cis, I'm afab but I sometimes just want people to refer to me as a boy and I wanna look like one. But like, there's also times I like being a girl and I don't know what to think about it. And I don't really feel, idk, "close" with identifying as a woman? A girl maaaybe but a woman? Hell no. I never really thought about my gender to be honest

[Follow up to this ask]

Wishing to be trans isn’t definite “proof” that someone’s trans (and not wishing to be trans isn’t definite “proof” that someone isn’t trans), but there are definitely lots of anecdotes of trans people wishing to be trans in some shape or form before realizing that they’re trans. 

If you’re having trouble determining if you really do feel like or want to be a girl, or if that’s just cisnormativity talking, you might find my #cisgender-experiences tag helpful. Also, if you sometimes feel like or want to be a boy, and sometimes feel like or want to be a girl, it’s possible that you’re genderfluid. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I never felt dysphoria. I hate my body, but that's different. I only started questioning my gender identity when I discovered that you could be more than boy or girl. I feel more comfortable being called a boy than a girl (I'm afab). Can I still consider myself under the trans spectrum? I just feel really bad because most of the people suffer from crushing dysphoria and I never felt it

If you don’t completely and exclusively feel like your agab, you can consider yourself trans. Not everyone who fits that definition does (for example, some nonbinary people don’t consider themselves to be trans, and some agender people don’t consider themselves to be trans or nonbinary), but it is open to you, should you want it. 

Some people use a more restrictive definition (such as saying that you need dysphoria to be trans), but I think gatekeeping like that is counterproductive. In addition to what I wrote here, I think that if someone is wondering if they can call themselves trans, it’s probably because they have some need to call themselves trans. They might be seeking a community, seeking understanding and guidance, seeking help to transition medically, or another reason, but regardless, I’d much rather help people who need support (and even those who might not) than turn away people who need support but are deemed “not trans enough”. 

It’s also possible that you do feel dysphoria, but haven’t noticed it or think it’s something different. Many trans people (myself included) unconsciously adapted their behavior to try to minimize and cope with dysphoria before they knew they were trans, and it was only after they realized they were trans that they could see the pattern connecting some of their experiences. You obviously know your own experiences better than I do, so it’s entirely possible that you’re right and the reasons you hate your body are 100% disconnected from anything to do with gender, but it’s also possible that some of it is dysphoria. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I’m AFAB but I don’t think I’m a girl. I don’t know what I am. I can’t really tell, it’s hard to separate what I’ve told I am from what I am. I’ve identified as genderqueer for months but I still don’t really know. I can’t really separate it. I can’t tell. I don’t know and nothing helps. It’s not getting better and I’m not getting any closer to figuring myself out. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry you feel that way. 

For what it’s worth, figuring yourself out isn’t a race. These things take time. It took me at least a year to go from my “I’m not cis” moment to “I think these labels might work for me”, and even then, I ended up primarily using different labels instead. During that scary, stressful, confusing time, I think what helped me more than anything wasn’t trying any one specific thing, but just trying multiple things. 

I tried just thinking about gender for a while, but that didn’t help, so I started writing down my thoughts about gender, how I was feeling, and so on, because I thought if I could get down every last detail, everything would make sense. Journaling helped a little, but eventually I decided I wasn’t getting that much out of it, so I stopped, and went back to thinking and looking at different terms. I found some terms that I liked, but they didn’t feel exactly right, so I kept looking and thought about coining my own terms. 

I spent a long time questioning, searching for the right words. After long enough, I started to narrow in on specific terms and experiences I could call my own, but I also became more comfortable with vagueness, nebulousness, the idea of questioning and being uncertain, the idea of intentionally using unspecific umbrella terms. Eventually, I got to where I am now, but I’m not 100% convinced that my journey’s completely over; but I’m okay with that, because I know things are better now. 

It sounds cheesy and a little cliché, but I promise, it gets better. 

[raavenb2619]

I've never really cared about my gender, so I've always just used my birth gender, but how does a cis person FEEL their gender?

You can read through my #cisgender-experiences tag to draw your own conclusions, but it seems to me that cis people very strongly know/feel their gender as an innate, inherent, intrinsic, internal part of themselves. If that doesn’t seem like you, or you find yourself not relating to many cisgender experiences, that can be a sign that you’re not cis.