#questioning genderqueer

[questioning-culture-is]

gender questioning culture is being afab, feeling kind of feminine but not enough to be a woman and then wondering whether I'm some sort of genderqueer or just imagining things

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[raavenb2619]

I’m AFAB but I don’t think I’m a girl. I don’t know what I am. I can’t really tell, it’s hard to separate what I’ve told I am from what I am. I’ve identified as genderqueer for months but I still don’t really know. I can’t really separate it. I can’t tell. I don’t know and nothing helps. It’s not getting better and I’m not getting any closer to figuring myself out. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry you feel that way. 

For what it’s worth, figuring yourself out isn’t a race. These things take time. It took me at least a year to go from my “I’m not cis” moment to “I think these labels might work for me”, and even then, I ended up primarily using different labels instead. During that scary, stressful, confusing time, I think what helped me more than anything wasn’t trying any one specific thing, but just trying multiple things. 

I tried just thinking about gender for a while, but that didn’t help, so I started writing down my thoughts about gender, how I was feeling, and so on, because I thought if I could get down every last detail, everything would make sense. Journaling helped a little, but eventually I decided I wasn’t getting that much out of it, so I stopped, and went back to thinking and looking at different terms. I found some terms that I liked, but they didn’t feel exactly right, so I kept looking and thought about coining my own terms. 

I spent a long time questioning, searching for the right words. After long enough, I started to narrow in on specific terms and experiences I could call my own, but I also became more comfortable with vagueness, nebulousness, the idea of questioning and being uncertain, the idea of intentionally using unspecific umbrella terms. Eventually, I got to where I am now, but I’m not 100% convinced that my journey’s completely over; but I’m okay with that, because I know things are better now. 

It sounds cheesy and a little cliché, but I promise, it gets better. 

[questioning-culture-is]

Gender questioning culture is looking at some other culture-is blogs that have to do with non binary identities and neo pronouns "just for fun because I just think it's neat" and having no idea if you're genderqueer and genuine or just cis and curious

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[questioning-culture-is]

hey, so i have a few questions about gender iden because i’m kinda losing my mind. so i’m AFAB, and i use she/her pronouns and am comfortable w/ addressing myself as female. but like at the same time, sometimes i don’t feel like your typical female, for lack of better descriptive terms. but i’m still comfortable w/ being female, i just sometimes feel kinda detached from typical femininity, but it’s not all the time that i get this. im not sure if this makes me genderqueer or just GNC. in all honesty, i don’t fully understand the definition online of genderqueer, and i feel that it doesn’t explain it well enough. the way i’ve interpreted it as any gender identity under the “not-cis” umbrella, but i don’t know if that’s correct. and like also, i feel like GNC is a fitting way to describe my gender, but idk if thats a valid term that i can use to describe/label my gender identity. i’m just very confused, and was wondering if you could provide any insight as to what the heck is going on and the difference between genderqueer and GNC. thanks!

ok, so genderqueer describes anyone whose gender is queer in any way, that obviously includes trans and nonbinary people, but also gnc people and anyone whose queerness impacts their gender or the other way around. Cis people can be genderqueer. (@genderqueercultureis has more posts on that)

GNC means gender-nonconforming, that can mean not conforming to the expectations of one's gender, but also not conforming to the concept of gender or gender expression.

You can use both gnc and genderqueer and still identify as a girl, you don't have to use any of them though. Labels are supposed to help you describe your experiences and find a community. If their don't help you, you don't need to keep them.

Also, for your other ask, you can use "cis-by-default" if you want to, however I'd like to remind you that cis is not the default and you don't have to have a reason to be genderqueer. You can of course use the term for yourself though if you like it.

hope that helps

-toni

[raavenb2619]

i have a couple of questions about being gnc and about pronouns. i’m a cis girl, but i was wondering if i can call myself gnc if the only gnc things i do is not shave my legs, have an undercut, not wear makeup, and feel more like myself in less girly outfits? like idk if it really “counts”. also i’ve been trying she/they pronouns and whenever someone uses they for me it’s like that’s a little off, cuz i want them to know i’m using it in a “girl way”, but i’m also hesitant to give it up. advice?

this is gnc/ pronoun anon: is genderqueer girl a thing?

Gender nonconforming is a term that I don’t personally use that often, but it seems to refer to anyone whose gender expression doesn’t “conform” to the gender roles they’re expected to fit into. (Source, source) Going by that definition, it seems like anyone (even cis people) can call themselves gender nonconforming if they feel like they fit that definition. Personally, I don’t feel like it’s my place to say whether someone doesn’t fit a certain gender role, or is just exploring the space they’re societally “allowed” to exist in, in part because that would probably end up reinforcing or creating new gender roles. 

With regards to pronouns, you might get used to they/them pronouns if you give yourself some more time, but it’s also possible that they/them pronouns will always feel a little off to you. 

Genderqueer girl is a thing, as are a number of other identities, like demigirl and genderflux. Many people think that being nonbinary or genderqueer means you can’t feel any attachment to masculinity or femininity, but that’s not actually the case. This could also be connected to you wanting to use they/them pronouns in a “girl way”, since they/them pronouns also carry a connotation of “perfectly genderless/perfectly balanced between male and female” even though that’s not the only way to think about and use they/them pronouns. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Been gender questioning for a while now, trying to find a term that feels right. I’m starting to lean towards genderqueer bc it seems to me to convey the right feel, but I haven’t had luck finding experiences and I don’t want to use the wrong term. Would ‘not quite sure what this whole gender thing is, think I have a bit of it but I can’t be certain, but whatever it is I’m doing in a way that isn’t the norm and that’s pretty sexy of me” an acceptable interpretation or is there a better word?

I think that’s a great interpretation of “genderqueer”. It can be used as both an umbrella term and as a specific identity term, so it’s pretty flexible it what it can cover. You might find that you also like the term “nonbinary”, but if it feels too confidently not-falling-inside-the-gender-binary and not enough uncertain-about-gender, that’s fine. Similarly, you might find you like the term “transgender” (which can be used as an umbrella term for genderqueer and nonbinary), but again, if it feels like there isn’t enough room for vagueness or ambiguity, that’s fine. 

(There are lots of interesting historical nuances with regards to genderqueer versus nonbinary versus transgender. You can let them influence what labels you lean towards if you want, but you don’t have to. Just some food for thought.)

“Non-cis” is another possibility, as is “questioning”. Lots of people see “questioning” as an in-between state, but I think it’s fine to use it as a permanent label, a sort of “gender is confusing and I don’t totally understand but that’s okay”. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Can I call myself a genderqueer woman if I am afab? It fits me better than just being a binary woman but...I kinda feel bad calling myself genderqueer since I am not trans.

Tl;dr is yes, that’s alright. 

I thought my answer to this was going to be short, but then I did some more research and it got way longer. The history of the term “genderqueer” is actually really interesting, since it touches on “transgender” and “nonbinary” in ways both simple and complex. (Most of this info is pulled from here.) 

“Genderqueer” was originally coined to be very vague and broad, with intentional connotations of non-normativity (literally “queering” gender), including in experience or expression of gender. In the 1990s and early 2000s, the term “transgender” was starting to narrow in scope from a broad umbrella term to only refer to trans men and trans women who had had (or wanted to have) bottom surgery. One consequence of this narrowing was that many people who didn’t meet the strict criteria of “transgender”, but still felt their gender was queer in someway, started to use “genderqueer” to describe themselves. 

“Nonbinary” was coined around 2010 or so to be a more neutral umbrella term encompassing anyone who didn’t fit into the gender binary, without the political connotations of “genderqueer”. Over time, it’s become more popular as an umbrella term and stand-alone identity, while the popularity of “genderqueer” has started to diminish. “Nonbinary” and “genderqueer” ostensibly (and often do) have a lot of overlap, but in practice there are some differences in experiences you might notice between people who call themselves “genderqueer” and people who call themselves “nonbinary”. 

Genderqueer people tend to see themselves as “queering gender”, sometimes due to their gender identity (whether it fits into the binary or not), but sometimes due to their presentation and expression of a binary gender identity (for example, a genderqueer woman). Nonbinary people tend to see themselves more aligned with transgender experiences and see their gender identity as falling outside of the gender binary. (Again, this is in no way a universal rule.)

So, what does that mean for you? Well, there are a couple takeaways. First, not all genderqueer people consider themselves to be trans, so you don’t need to feel bad about calling yourself genderqueer if you don’t think of yourself as trans. Secondly, even if you think of yourself as 100% cis (maybe you do, or maybe you don’t since you don’t feel like “binary woman” fits you), you can consider yourself to be a genderqueer woman. 

One last note: if you feel kind of like a woman but kind of not, or only partially connected to femininity or gender, you might find it helpful to read about demigirl/demigender. If you decide it fits you, great, and if you decide you prefer to call yourself a genderqueer woman, that’s great too. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Could you help me figure out my gender? I'm AMAB and I have an extreme disconnect from my AGAB and manhood, but I also don't see myself as feminine or female. I get extreme social dysphoria at times, but despite that, I still feel comfortable dressing masculine. Even though I have have this disconnect and dysphoria I still want to be seen as masculine/androgynous. Could I be agender or genderqueer or something like that?

You could definitely be agender or genderqueer. You might also find it helpful to look up demigender/demiboy if you feel sort of connected to masculinity through your gender presentation. On the other hand, how you’re comfortable presenting might not have anything to do with your gender identity. 

I find that although it can be easier to notice things that make you uncomfortable like dysphoria or not wanting to present a certain way, it’s possible to put too much faith in them to help you find the right labels. To me, at least, they mostly guide you away from the most uncomfortable stuff, but then once you’ve left that behind, they’re not useful any more. Listening to yourself, thinking about what makes you feel comfortable, what makes you feel happy, what feels right, all that stuff can be a lot harder to do, but in my experience, it does a much better job of guiding you to the right labels. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.