Compulsory Heterosexuality?
Hi ok I've been big confused about my sexuality lately. (This is gonna be lengthy I'm so sorry) I was in a relationship with a boy for about 2 years, I was in love, sexually attracted to him, enjoyed physical touch etc. We broke up and now there's a new boy in my life who's been my best friend for like 3 years who has had a crush on me the entire time but I've never felt romantically or sexually interested in him ever. Well the thing is is that I told him I'd give it a shot but I'm not looking for a relationship. We've kissed and had sex already but its made me really reevaluate my life choices.
Thinking back on my first relationship (the one I mentioned above) it took me about 4 months in to the relationship to not be grossed out by kissing him. After I was comfortable with that we moved on to having sex and the first time I was like "ok this is fine" but then when he brought up doing it a second time I dreaded it. (We were both virgins prior to dating lol) after doing it probably 5-6 times I got comfortable enough to where I enjoyed it but it seemed like afterwards every single time I just felt,,, off. Same goes for every male I've had sex with after him. I just felt off and HATED kissing them, unless I was in a position where I was on top/in control/ etc. This is probably TMI but I only like sex if I'm the one on top or in control, any other positions make me feel really bored or uncomfortable and I just feel weird.
I consider myself bisexual, I've never been with a girl romantically or sexually but I have kissed girls and immediately enjoyed it unlike when I've kissed boys. When I've read the "symptoms" for compulsory Heterosexuality I feel like some of the things I don't relate to because I've always much preferred the company and friendship of boys over girls and just felt like I could relate to boys a lot more than to girls especially when it came to talking about girls who were pretty or "hot". I have always been able to tell what girls boys would find attractive, but with guys it was always more of a mystery. Especially when my mom or a girl friend would point out a "hot" guy that I literally didn't give a second thought too. The first crush I ever had was on a boy who I didn't start liking or even notice he was in my class until his mom saw mine at the grocery store and told her he liked me.
I remember in elementary school new girls coming to our class and me being oddly obsessed with being their friend, and even jealous when other girls would be friends with them first. (Only new girls who I thought were pretty tho, I now realize) the same thing sometimes would happen with boys but I rarely would find myself having feelings for them I would just genuinely want them to be my best friend.
With my first boyfriend I didn't start having feelings for him until he said he liked me first and then I was in limbo about deciding if I felt the same for about 6 months after he told me, and I think I only realized I liked him when I thought he had lost interest in me and only then did I decide to shoot my shot.
I guess I'll just keep going by bisexual, I think the really only way to know is too like experience shit with gals but let me know if you have opinions about my statement?? Or if you can relate???? Pls help me