some thoughts (that i'm saying out loud so i can debate my brain more effectively):
a day after posting about aromanticism, a girl asked me out (!). i panicked a bit.
first off, there's the positive feelings that stem from being asked out. someone out there thinks i'm really cool! that's pretty sweet i think
then there came the fear. romance really, deeply scares me, and i (still) don't really know why. but i have had romances / romantic attraction before, and that's because they were with people i knew/know really, really well
okay! so assuming i want romance (which we have to assume i do SOMETIMES, because i did in fact willingly ask my ex out), it's definitely in the demi territory. if something is going to happen, it'll be after we get to know each other
good, okay, that's progress! i tell her that. we agree to make friends and revisit the idea of romance later. (she is also some flavor of demi, so this is for both of our sakes, which makes it easier to suggest)
weeks pass. we text daily, both making an effort to get to know each other better. it's not a whole lot of texting, and we're definitely still not very close -- i still don't know her brother's name or the piece of media she finds most formative, she doesn't really know about my complicated feelings on identity or my high school years. that's okay. it's gonna take time, and it'll be easier when we're back in school and can see each other in person
however, while this texting is happening, i'm also thinking about romance. i'm thinking about her in the context of romance. i'm taking the image of a potential future romantic relationship and turning it over in my head, trying to see how i feel about it. and this brings up a complication! because romantic relationships are so tempting. our whole society is geared around it! it just sounds so NICE to have someone who'd be My Person, who i could hold hands with and have lunch with and be committed to! so even if i'm not necessarily ready for one, my brain still wants one!
(this is an ongoing problem with questioning your level of romantic attraction, because there's a BIG difference between I Want To Be Considered """""Whole"""""" In The Eyes Of Society and I Really Truly Want To Have This Kind Of Relationship With This Specific Person. i'm still personally working on that)
so now i'm in this new status quo. i'm texting this girl. it's fun! she's really sweet! i like talking to her!
am i ready to date her? Nope. i don't know her very well! she doesn't know me very well either! i don't know whether she'll like the me that's underneath all of my masks, so getting into a romantic relationship with her would just be Constantly Acting and i don't want to do that and she deserves better than to date someone who is Constantly Pretending!
on the other hand, my brain is realizing that a romantic relationship is possible and now has dollar signs in its eyes because I Won't Be Alone Ever ! and like. that's not about her! that's actually a pretty bad reason to want to date someone! but those feelings of yearning are there and they're strong and i don't know what to do with them. so i'm writing out this really long post to say it out loud and recognize what's actually going on here in the hopes that that'll shut my brain up, maybe, hopefully
before this situation developed, maybe two years ago, i was thinking about romantic attraction and how i felt about it. i eventually came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter if what i'm feeling is Actually REAL, GENUINE Romantic Attraction as long as i communicate with my partner about it. like, it wouldn't matter whether i wanted to marry someone for The Right Reasons (which i doubted i'd ever feel) or just a way to make a visible commitment to someone i cared a lot about and wanted to spend my life with.
now that there's a real person on the other side of this equation, it doesn't seem as simple.
