Things I’ll Never Say
I woke up today, only to be screamed at till I was crying as I was dressing up for school and later on when mom kicked the door, threatening me to open up,in the bathroom. I always leave my tap open when I’m crying inside the shower to drown out the sniffs.
Mom has been giving me a lot of shit lately. That I don’t wanna feel like a part of the family (not sure if we are a family), that I roam bout more with my friends who wouldn’t blink an eye if they saw me in trouble (even though some have seen me through bullying about which mom knew and did nothing, some have seen me through substance abuse and self harm, latter mom knew about and again did nothing. So I am not entirely sure how worse things can get and the handful of friends I have left will leave me for it). Today in the morning I was given the news that the project work had been extended to making data sheets about growth of the Indian Automotive Industry and to top that off, you had to learn the values up. So I was working as fast as I could and she barges in, going off and on about how much a failure I am and will always remain. Same old. Three days of the same guilt trip can do things to you. Like cause you to get irritated. And I interrupted. And she considered that my audacity.
Here are a couple questions I have always wanted to ask her but couldn’t and will never cause it won’t be smart asking her stuff she, A. Doesn’t have the answer to and has no justification and B. When she is wrong.
1. Why are you so bipolar? 2. What do you want me to be? A good daughter, a good human being, a good android, what? 3. What am I doing wrong? Please, tell me. My grades aren’t bad, I’m catching up on the pending work, I am trying not to get in between your work then what- the- fuck- am I still doing wrong? 4. Are we really a family? The kind that needs to stay together all the time and yet you cannot accept the fact that sometimes, just sometimes I may be having a rough day too? The kind that needs to be under your fingertips and cannot be better than you at some things?
Tell me. Tell me cause all I want to do right now is punch a hole into the laptop screen and put my fist through the wall. I swear to God I am trying. I’m applying for different scholarships program so you won’t have to pay for college cause that is the only thing you ever seem to be worrying about, putting that above bonds and relationships. All my life you tell me I’m poor and then you take me to a shopping mall and call me a miser and then I accidentally spend select a costly stuff, you call me a spendthrift. You call me prodigal. You call me a gold-digger. You tell me that you had guys friends too and then judge me by saying now I’m more interested in guy friends. Listen to yourself when you are talking. You tell me it is okay to be conversing in English if I feel more comfortable in that and then call me a show off when I stand up to you. No one, I repeat, no one has made me cry as much as you have.
Why? Tell me, why?