#quitting therapy

[nonmillennialstruggling]

Cancelled therapy scheduled for this week. Tomorrow I plan to write an email canceling it indefinitely and will likely set it up to send wednesday morning. I am just tired of it, don't expect to change, and don't have a long enough life expectancy that therapy makes sense. In some ways canceling therapy is a very self centered act and it feels good.

[nonmillennialstruggling]

Quitting therapy

Content note:  Going without therapy or health insurance

Today in therapy my counselor said she was walking a tightrope of not destabilizing me so much that I can’t do all the things on my schedule but that it meant we were only doing superficial work.  In her ideal world I would do less things and we would go deeper in therapy.  I need a break from these weekly sessions.  I emailed to say I was putting weekly sessions on hold and I think I should stop altogether when my current health insurance runs out, if not before.  I don’t see the point of therapy (for myself).  Never have, never will.  She says she has become more convinced that I have a dissociative disorder but I know that I’m not a system.  I don’t have amnesia and I always identify as me.  I’m also thinking that I won’t get health insurance when the current one runs out because it’s expensive and it would be good for me to not be on all the meds I take anyway.  I still have to email to get out of the DBT group I started attending.  It is way too process-y, has very little focus on actual skill building, and I don’t feel comfortable in the group.

[fuck-you-razor-blog]

day five.

i freaked out a little bit about josh and i but we talked about it and i think that things are good with the two of us. also, there is julia who liked josh and i felt really bad but she insisted before that it was okay. i talked to her about it too and hopefully it's all good.

i met his friends today, i mean, i already knew a bunch of them but still it was fun. it's fun going back to his door hugging and then kissing in front of his door. it was just a good night, more so than i thought it would be.

on another note.. i quit therapy. i don't know if it was just the therapist but i know that it wasn't something that i was comfortable with. commodifying emotions doesn't sit well with me. if i can't talk to her without feeling uncomfortable then there is no use for me going. and she wanted to have me lie down when i felt triggered and wait three minutes and cut if i still felt the need to. like seriously then i would be cutting all the time, and i know i'm stronger than that. something about it still makes you want to even if your emotions are completely level.

maybe at some point i'll find another therapist that i get on better with. hopefully it's not another ~50 year old woman. but at this point, i'm happy. and i feel a lot less stressed now that i don't have to sit with my therapist awkwardly for an hour thursday.