... I wrote something similar in the past. I think one of the ways I express love is by taking care of the person. I will observe them and make mental notes about their appearance, colors they prefer, hobbies they mention, activities they like... I find joy in spending time on looking for the "perfect gift" or making sure food is prepared exactly the way they like it. In a word, I usually pay great attention to detail (so that I can forget about the bigger picture, but that's a different story). I like getting to know people and the way they think. It helps me feel connected to them. When I feel connected, I can be vulnerable with them.
Guess what my struggle is? Therapeutic relationship! I want to feel connected to be able to open up. I cannot because I know nothing about my therapist, and I'm inevitably "rejected" when I try to "take care" of her. Respecting boundaries is hard. I cannot help it. I feel like she is a stranger, so I have no willingness to let her into my "soul". I cover the pain that needs to be seen and processed. She is not observant enough to pick up on my non-verbal cues. I'm tired. I probably got everything I could from therapy. With the skills I have I should be able to find new ("real") people to lean on, explore my spirituality, and try new activities.
Our "artificial" relationship is over. Although it's sad, I know this is the right thing to do. I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm still pretty miserable at times, but she cannot help me. I shut down because she is... a stranger. Even after 2.5 years of therapy she is not someone I trust completely. I know it's my problem, and changing therapists won't make any difference.
It's scary to do "life" on my own. I might sink into depression/SI again. We'll see. I know for sure I'm not going back unless my worst behaviors resume.
