Confessions, Secrets, and Thoughts

An experiment in "letting it all out"

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I hate that I'm so bad at human interaction that my own sister doesn't always feel like she can share her pain with me. We used to share everything, now I get most of it but I lack the ability to really sympathize with her current plight and so she can't always share with me. I want to be there for her, I just don't know how. They're trying to get pregnant, have already lost one, and while I have had a miscarriage I wanted it to happen so I can't relate to the loss. I don't want to be a parent ever, I don't particularly like kids (the niece(s) I have are pretty awesome though), I'm not good at being supportive when I can relate so I'm shit at it now. (She flat out said I suck at being supportive a few weeks ago when I was trying to help her overcome her guilt from quitting a job - I've been there and it was still a subpar job. She was *mostly* kidding.) I want them to have kids, I want this to work, I want to be there for them. This isn't about me. All I can do is be supportive in the only way I know how and just be there.. and hope it's enough.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I need to get laid. Badly. I'm kind of afraid that my drive for that is going to lead me to do something regrettable. I mean, fucking a coworker is something that I've somehow managed to avoid until now..but they're the only people that I ever see. But, if shit gets real or goes awry I'd rather not fuck up the status quo at the best job I've ever had.. Having said all that, I have a mental list of viable candidates that I suspect would be fucking fantastic in bed. I haven't decided what to do if a situation arises, I've mainly decided that I'm going to not press the issue and see if anything happens... I'm over thinking this. I seriously need to get laid.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I knew it. I really did. And I’m excited and happy about it. I am. I just, a huge selfish part of me (that I hate) is annoyed my life is changing again. The people around me are growing up and leaving me behind for adult-ing stuff I have no interest in ever being a part of. When they got married I didn’t even bat an eye, nothing changed. This though, a kid, that changes everything. 

It’s my issue - and it’s one I’m going to get the hell over asap. They’ll never know. I’m just going to aunt the shit out of this and adapt to my new role in their lives.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I forgot all about this. The question now is, what to do??

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I don't know if I can crawl out of the hole that I've landed in. I have a huge support system but they can't fight the inner demons, and I'm not sure I'd let anyone even if they could. I'm terrified that pulling the cord on the farce of the life I've trapped myself in is a huge mistake. I don't know how it can be, in my more rational "up" moments, since I wake up every morning wishing I'd died in my sleep. How can leaving that be a bad thing? It's not, and somewhere I really know that it's exactly what I need to do. I can't survive like I've been going for a whole lot longer, it's killing me and I can't hide it anymore. I have to find the courage to quit, break up with/evict the boyfriend that never puts out, and then do all of the things a grown-up does when they move. So much to do, so much that should have been done so long ago.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

Just gave myself an orgasm in the shower so good I pulled a stomach muscle.

No one does me better than me.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I'm beginning to understand why people cut...

[allmyrandomconfessions]

There has been no sex since he moved in.. Literally the only reason I would be in a relationship is for a more steady amount of fucking. The. only. reason.

I suspect that I haven't harped on this for 2 reasons:

I'm lazy and hate serious conversations (do you really get to demand sex and avoid the "feelings" conversation? I suspect not)

It's not that good to begin with

[allmyrandomconfessions]

The only thing that comes close to the pleasure of an orgasm is taking a good shit.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I judge "broken" families...and I hate myself for it.

I truly believe love is all you need for a family and that blood doesn't matter... and that love is love no matter what. But something about meeting a pack of siblings with all different dads/moms weirds me out (which is fucking ridiculous).

I didn't realize I had some apparent deep-seated issue until the other day when I did the whole "meet the family" thing.. I just, it's great that they've dropped the whole "step" and "half" thing, that's how it should be, I just don't get how a family just expands like that.

It's not about kids being born outside of marriage, it's not about divorce, it's sortof about drug addicts having kids when they can't afford real drugs let alone kids, and a little about people in general having kids they can't afford, and a side bar about how poor the sex ed is in this state.. I don't know what my issue is.

I think family is the most important thing. Maybe it's where mine is so, um, normal?? Normal isn't the right word, I just don't know how to describe it. 1950's? Everyone is still on their first marriages, everyone is employed that needs to be, any drug or alcohol problems have been sober for 10 years minimum, everyone gets along. I'm not making it up..

It could have just been culture shock the other day, not that I've never been around a family so different from mine before or anything..  I have an issue with like the weird judgey comments my internal monologue was whispering to me.. They sounded like my mother, so maybe I can just blame her.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

He's the only person I've ever let touch my head while going down on him because I'm in absolutely no danger of choking...

Size matters, but he has a tongue ring so I'm breaking even.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I have no real interest in being a bridesmaid, I'm only doing it because I had no idea how to say no.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I don't know if it's that I'm so comfortable in my own skin or that I'm sticking it to my mother that she isn't. I don't want her hang ups to be mine, her voice in my head is the worst part of me. I hate that I think that but it's true, and I refuse to let her self issues dictate my life - I've always been that way. I feel like a huge fraud when she compliments my ability to ignore everyone else's criticisms and just be me and love myself because the notion to be that way came from watching and listening to her.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

"He sounds homeless."

He is, I'm just not going to tell you that because you are insanely judgmental and I don't want to deal with it. Yeah, he stays with me sometimes. Yeah, I'm fucking him. No, he's not my boyfriend. No, he's not moving in. 

You're already up in arms about the kids with different moms thing, which, yeah, isn't ideal but this isn't a relationship and I never want to meet his kids - nor am I ever having any ever. Explaining that he is technically homeless is a can of worms I am not opening. 

You're never going to meet him. This isn't permanent. Just be happy I'm getting laid and being "social." That's all this is, fucking and friendship between 2 consenting adults muddling through life for the time being.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I don't remember if I've always had an aversion to touching/being hugged or if, since the only people that really do that is my family and I've been away for a little over 10 years, I'm just so out of practice it's off-putting. 

I enjoy sex, making out, fooling around, etc.. even cuddling on occasion. I just, apart from that, am not comfortable with being touched outside of intimacy.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

Him: Wow, I crashed hard last night

Me: Yeah. I rubbed one out right next to you and you didn't even budge.

Him: ....umm, you should've...

Me: Your involvement would have been nice but it was unnecessary. 

--I have needs and no shame

[allmyrandomconfessions]

The saddest day of my pre-teen life was the day I got my period. I had been actively hoping since I was 9 (we had a "Puberty is coming" type sex-ed class in the 4th grade) that I was missing some of my inner lady plumbing and would skip all of the period nonsense.

I knew at a very early age (4-5) that I did not want to have kids, I was hoping that I was missing a piece that would render me infertile so it was a non issue. Periods are annoying, and yeah, I wanted to not go through that, but it was really about the potential for kids thing. 

I am fucking tired of people telling me that I'm going to change my mind about kids, I'm not. I want my tubes tied, I've wanted that since I first heard about the procedure (around the same time I got my first period, a month shy of being 13). I understand why no one would do it then, what I want to know is why no one will do it now. 

I am in my late 20's, I know what I do and don't want as far as my personal life is concerned. It is ridiculous that there's so much push back on a life decision like this. The last time I talked to a doctor about it he said "That's a decision for you and your future husband to make," I came extremely close to punching him in the throat. Where did he get off saying I needed to ask permission from a potentially fictitious person to have something done with my body? Marriage has never really been in my plans, and even if it was I would never marry someone who agreed with that doctor.

I believe in bodily autonomy, it's sad how many people don't.