Am I sex repulsed, a prude, or just a bitch (negative)?
Like… I like the idea of sex (I’ve yet to have it), I like porn, I like masturbating, I like fantasizing about having sex (with fictional characters) and do it VERY frequently. Like, sex with fictional characters is one of the top three things I’m always thinking about. And I’m also able to view sex clinically, and discuss it in a non-erotic way.
But… I don’t like a lot of society’s ideas of sex. A BIG part of my personal asexuality is the disconnect I often feel when it comes to how other people and the culture I live in view and discuss sex. Like my relationship with sex isn’t “normal.” It’s often sensationalized, and viewed as the best thing ever, that everyone should have it. The way women are depicted in comics, music, and video games is always dripping with sex and innuendo in a way men aren’t, and it disgusts me so much. The way movies and tv depict all genders as not inherently sexual, but sexual ALL THE TIME, it grosses me out. Whenever I see a naked or half naked person on tv, my reactions will have range. I may be clinical, complementary, or disgusted, regardless of gender. And the fact that disgust is part of my reactionary catalogue makes me wonder… I like to be sex positive. I believe people should have consensual sex if they want. I believe people should dress how they want. I believe we shouldn’t kinkshame if it’s safe and not hurting anyone.
But I often feel limits. That I don’t want to see people’s bodies, that I don’t want to know their sex lives. I’ll personally deem someone stupid in my head if they can’t put enough forethought into how someone has sex (they forget a big rule of BDSM is safety), or wears little clothing in a cold area and suffers the consequences of freezing themselves, or they beside to walk around without underwear/wear their pants or skirt low enough to show their underwear or pubic hair. I hate low rise jeans, underwear with a super thin crotch that’ll have your genitalia pop out, when nipples poke through a shirt, when someone shows their butt cleavage, or is clearly not wearing underwear. But then I’m cool with pasties, deep necklines, men dressing more slutty (affectionate), the occasional impractical outfit if it looks good, discussing sex as a part of life and clinically without shame, people having sex, sex work in general. But then I think casual sex is a bad idea (my mind seems it stupid and idiotic but I don’t WANT to be that judgmental) because I feel like you shouldn’t trust people you barely know so easily bc they might have an STD or lie to you, or the condom/birth control might break or not work and you don’t have access to an abortion, or you’re opening yourself to someone hurting you (physically, emotionally, psychologically). Or I think any romantic relationship that started out as sex only is just delusional and not real romantic love, and I’m judgmental on it.
My point is that there are times when I’m sec positive. There are times that I’m sex neutral. But there are also times where I’m VERY sex negative. And I don’t know what that means. I know other asexuals don’t feel this way. So maybe I’m just a prude, which I hear is derived from misogyny, but I’m a huge feminist. So I don’t understand why I’m like this or what my fucking problem is. And I just wish someone could explain it to me, why I’m like this and what the fuck is wrong with me. Because as justified as I feel in my thoughts and feelings, I can’t help but feel like someone would deem me a villain for having them, and make me feel like I’m a bad person or feel shamed for my personal feelings and internal thoughts.
