AN: The title may be deceiving, as this is actually about Harry Styles. Trigger warning: mentions of emotional abuse (@sowhatshawn )Please let me know what you think and request some harry writings!
Confusion isn't a feeling I enjoy being familiar with, especially associated with the man I love. Yet here I am, lying awake in an otherwise empty bed, playing with the loose threads of a burgundy flannel. One of the only ones still laced in his scent of cologne and everything else I could only describe as Harry.
The moon is the only thing illuminating the bedroom. Creating shadows on the wall of the small items littering the bedside table: a glass, a photo and the small box.
We all know this box. Each one is the same size, usually velvet, with your future inside. Harry and I's future. But the ring didn't end up on my finger, but back in his palm. Along with an almost silent apology. The tears were forming before he even got down on one knee. As soon as that box was pulled out that was it.
After almost five years I'd imagine my fears would settle. My mind would allow my heart the pleasure of calling Harry mine forever. Just thinking about it brought goosebumps to my skin, a smile to my lips, and the feeling of my heart beating. But my mind wouldn't settle. I couldn't relax. I couldn't force myself to forget about the years of emotional abuse I witnessed. The times I left through my window in the middle of the night, spending those early hours driving, pretending I could escape my problems in only short hours. The next morning I would wake up. I would get dressed, go down stairs and pray this morning would be ok. Not perfect but ok.
By my high school graduation my parents split and relief was behind every smile. Every laugh. Every moment I could enjoy without feeling guilty. Without thinking of my parents relationship, or our family dynamic.
I thought I was saved. When I met Harry. When my life changed it wasn't a thought anymore. I saw my future. It was bright and filled with enchanting green eyes, and tattooed skin flush against mine. I saw crying from laughter and holding hands under the table. I saw us so in love and marriage didn't seem so scary. It seemed possible and exciting and I even started shopping for wedding magazines. I scrolled through pictures of venues, bouquets, cakes, for hours, pretending I was doing anything else when Harry caught me. I didn't want to scare him, even though I didn't have to ask to know he wanted it too.
The magazines have collected dust now. They're in a box under my bed labeled with a lie. There's other things in there too. Pieces of our future, intertwined with my optimism. My hope. Realizing I don't have to pray through tears for something better, wondering what I truly deserve, but now I'm back to that place. I got scared. I no longer saw his green eyes but my mothers scared ones and my fathers angry ones and my hands shaking, opening the window again.
I don't need to open my eyes to see who's fingertips are brushing the hair off my face. Tracing my parted lips. Whose own are on my forehead, tentatively. But when I do I wish I kept mine closed.
The red rimming his eyes. The eyes of the man I love. The man who's never raised his voice. The man who's held me closely, whispering nothing but lovely words when I cried, telling him of my past.
I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest, then letting them connect to the bed again. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable.
"I didn't know if you were hungry. I thought I could go out and get some breakfast? The Market has those raspberry scones you love today." Harry's voice is slow, but steady. His fingers run through his hair before finishing the buttons on his shirt. Hiding the swallows behind the dark fabric.
"Do you want me to come? The-the kitchen..I need some new flowers so-" the words barely make it out, but they're enough to soften Harry's features.
Harry nods his head, before his eyes leave my face, glancing to the table behind me. I know what he's looking at. I gather my messy hair, tying it in a bun at the nape of my neck. A few tresses of hair fall, framing my face.
"It's a bit chilly this morning and it looks like it might rain. I think your red sweater would be warm enough." Harry smiles, leaning down to kiss me again, this time his lips brush the top of my head.
He turns on his heels, walking back to the door and disappearing around the corner.
My head falls into my hands. All I feel is guilt. My sweet, perfect, understanding boyfriend deserves so much more than this. Yet all he's thinking about is making sure I'm warm enough and having my favorite pastry for breakfast.
I pull back the sheets before heading to the large, shared closet. I remove my underwear, searching for a clean pair and pulling the pink lace up my legs, followed by a pair of jeans. I inhale the flannel once more before adding it to the hamper. It's not hard to spot the sweater Harry was talking about, and I pull it on, enjoying the soft, delicate material on my skin.
I walk down the stairs, trying to get my heel into my shoe, managing to trip on the last few stairs. Harry comes out of nowhere, catching me.
"I swear, love, you get even more clumsy as the days go on." A breathy laugh fills the air and I can't help but smile.
I press my lips to his, "thank you," I whisper as I pull away. But his hand is at the back of many neck, bringing my lips down again.
My arms wrap around his neck, fingers finding his luscious curls. Harry's hair is getting longer again, and I can't help but crave those scarfs he used to wear to be the only thing keeping his hair controlled.
We pull away, breathing hard, looking into each other's eyes. "Should we be going then?" I ask, biting down on my lip. Harry nods, brushing my hair behind my ear.
"After you, darling."
My fingers turn the dial on the volume in Harry's car. The lyrics fall from my lips in a whisper, whilst watching London pass us by.
Harry's hand reaches over, finding a place of comfort on my thigh, rubbing my skin through my jeans.
"I know we need to talk about Wednesday. I know I have to stop acting this way. I-i just want you to know how much I love you. That hasn't changed." My eyes leave the road and rest on Harry's profile. His jaw clenched, but his eyes soft when his head turns and they're resting on me.
"I can't pretend to understand how you're feeling. I know I ruined a beautiful plan, your excitement. I have to apologize for that, Harry. You didn't deserve that..god, you don't deserve any of this." I look back at the road, seeing The Market coming into view. Harry finds a parking spot, but neither of us rush to get out. Even as my stomach grumbles.
"Sweetheart, I promise. I promise with every once of my being that I'm not mad at you. Didn't you see this morning? I know how you must be feeling. I'm not expecting you to be over the years of abuse you witnessed and experienced. I know I want to be with you. Whatever that means for us, rings or not, marriage or not, it doesn't matter as long as I have you. So don't ever pretend like how you're feeling isn't valid. I want you to be ok with everything. Every part of our love includes you. Your comfort, it's the most important thing to me."
My eyes are filled with tears. Because I never expected growing up to ever find a man like Harry. One who sees me, every single part, from all angles and still loves me. I never expected to be spoken to with so much adoration. I never expected to never have to guess, or convince myself that someone loves me.
"I love you Harry. I want to spend forever with you. I want to marry you. Now. Tomorrow. In ten years. Whenever the perfect time is." I laugh through my tears, placing a hand on his cheek, feeling the stubble against my skin. "Ask me again."
Harry smiles, taking my hands in his. "Nina, my love, you're the person who lightens my life. You're the only person I want to hold in my arms. Your lips are the only ones I want on mine. Your voice is the only voice I want to hear singing in the car, even as a whisper. You're the only person I want to dance with, barefoot on the living room floor. Marry me, Nina. Hold my heart for the rest of our lives because I couldn't be more honored to be the man holding yours."
i’m a new blog and wanna make friends but i’m also very weary of the people i talk to. Who are you closest with on here? like who do u feel comfortable around and trust a lot? I don’t want to get into the wrong crowd because I’ve already noticed a lot of untrustworthy people on here and I don’t want to be a part of that
i completely understand where you are coming from love. thank you for trusting me with this,
@randxmthxughts is my angel. i love her with my whole heart. she was the first person i ever interacted with and i’m so honoured that it was with her. i cannot imagine anyone i’d rather talk to after a long day.
@rosesfool mika is so sweet. me and her share many interests such as the perks, the separate fandom for ‘Like To Be You’, 5sos and brooklyn nine - nine. she is so incredibly sweet and loving. she is very easy to talk to and is very supportive.
@adelaidebaby my dearest addy, i love her so much. she is very comforting and sweet. she has such a kind heart and you will not regret following her.
@sincereshawn soph is so sweet. she has an incredible sense of humour and you can spring anything random on her and she is so accepting and understanding.
@raineshawn i’ve only just started talking to her but she is so sweet and precious. she is very easy going and talking to her is a pleasure. my 5sos buddy
i also adore @stopthesewars as she is always supportive and sweet
this is everyone i often chat with and feel most comfortable around but there are so many more amazing people on shawnblr that deserve the world and more.
✨💛 This is the Amazing Person Award! 🏆Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you're amazing inside and out 💛✨
AN: I’m calling this a sister story to A Letter From You, so I’d suggest reading at least the first part of that first, but you don’t have to. Feedback is always amazing and thanks to the multiple people who read this for me because
I’ve been incredibly unsure about it! (yes I’m using the original gif as well)
My love,
The sun is out today. It's peeked through the dreary clouds and casts its rays across the city. It kisses my cheeks on the balcony, raising the hairs on my arms. I close my eyes, smiling. You know how much I've missed sunny Florida. The hot sand in between my toes. Wearing bikinis instead of tank tops with cut off shorts.
The days are passing by. I think it's finally getting easier, being away, starting the day without my cheek against your chest. Your arms holding me in safety, feeling newborn.
There's always something from you. A message displaying our love, or a picture of the city you've woken up in. I thank you for that. It makes me feel so much closer.
Some mornings, when my plans are minimal, and my time is forgettable, I look through the journal. You know which one. The leather cover with the frayed binding and distressed edges. You gave it to me one morning in Europe. It was on the table, next to my cup of tea, earl grey.
I wrote in that black, leather journal every day. Taping pictures to the pages whenever I had the chance. Polaroids of you with the moon in the background. I swear your smile shone just as bright.
There were pictures with you leaning against the doorway, your hands above your head, brushing the doorframe. What I'd give to be in those moments again. Those snapshots are never enough when you're away.
There are pages, towards the end of the book, empty ones, crisp white. You told me to write about the days apart. How I spend my mornings. Who I see at the cafe near the apartment. If I went to the park, laid in the grass.
Shawn, you're the only person who’s always understood how important it is to me to feel grounded, to the earth. Whether it's the hot sand, or the cool grass in Toronto. Maybe the dampen dirt after a rainstorm somewhere across the globe.
The stress is erased and the love is pure and radiant. There's no more questioning of what's right and who am I? It's all clear.
This letter is my I love you. My all-consuming, forever, I love you; because I swear it's you and me. Through our days with a distance between our love, or the ones buried under silky sheets. Spending our days wrapped up in each other, savoring the time. I always keep my eyes away from the clocks, and the sun setting in beautiful, hues of pinks and oranges.
May today last forever, I pray.
Make me a promise, my lover. Promise that if it ends, you'll remember the way we kissed in the ocean of our tropical paradise. Remember the way my hair felt in between your fingers. The warmth blanketing us with your arms wrapped around me. The smile that comes to Aaliyah's face when I step into the room. When you saw us there, in blankets with the laptop screen illuminating our tear-stained faces.
"I never cry! This is exactly why I always choose comedies!" I exclaimed.
The two of you only laughed while you shook your head, taken, by me.
Remember that I gave my all to you. Despite the past, our pasts. We weren't afraid to let ourselves fall. We fell into the bright colors. The soft rose petals on our skin. The sweat on our bodies when we woke after our first night together. My first time feeling so safe. I never knew it could feel like that.
Remember me, Shawn. Don't throw away the pictures. Don't let our memories drift. Don't cover the tattoos. The ones we share in all that's forgotten. Let those stay true.
I promise I'll remember you, my dear. My second chance at a love so strong. So undeniably strong. No one will touch my skin and leave themselves painted into my body like your fingertips.
I look back into the sun. How the clouds are finding their places, listening to her song. Cover my beauty, she says. For I am a treasure worth remembering.
For I am a goddess. A woman I never knew was buried in the dark earth. For I blossomed by you. A new fruit. A sweet juice. A beautiful rose. A rose that knew its sun, in a boy named Shawn.
Your heart was beating out of your chest. The wind was whipping hair across your face. The breeze biting your skin. You open your mouth again whispering absent words, when nothing was really coming out.
"What did you say?" Shawn's brows knit together. His hand anywhere but intertwined with yours. The scarf is nearly covering his mouth, nuzzled just under his chin.
"I just wanted to thank you for inviting me out. It's been forever." You nearly see his shoulders drop in disappointment, but the idea is too unlikely to believe.
It was you, and Shawn. The feelings there were as clear as day. Friends. Just friends. Only friends. They never got lost in translation. Years have passed that the idea of telling him was not worth the risk of losing what you already were lucky enough to have.
"We could do breakfast tomorrow? I know how much you love Aaron's." There's hope in Shawn's eyes, and you'd be damn stupid to miss it.
He was right. Aaron's did have the best chocolate chip, blueberry pancakes. "That would be amazing."
Shawn offers to pick you up around ten. When he pulls you in for a hug goodnight, the words slip out of your mouth, getting lost somewhere between the material of his sweater and the whistles of the wind.
"Tomorrow, then." Shawn's fingers brush against your palm, his eyes on yours.
"Tomorrow," you nod, walking backwards to the door of your building.
Today, tomorrow, yesterday, forever.
The idea of getting Shawn all days of the year, knowing you're on his mind the same way he's on yours is enough to nearly run back outside and say it all.
I need to say it
But there's too much to lose --
I love you
You turn around, not being able to help yourself, but he's turning too. Away from you, looking at his shoes, walking back in the direction of his car.
AN: There comes a point where you have to make yourself stop editing and post it..i’ve reached that point (So dramatic) God bless @shawnsinmyblood for helping me through the editing process. Love you B (I swear i can never find the gif i want so i settled for Elena.. )
It's the feeling you get after swimming under water for just a second too long. Your lungs are burning. Your legs are working harder than ever to break the surface. Time seems to last forever, but suddenly air overwhelms you, and everything is ok.
Shawn was always the air, but now he felt like two strong arms, holding you just under the surface. No matter how hard you kicked, or tried pushing him away, there was no use.
"Honey please, I swear I just wanted to protect you." He reaches for your hand, but you pull it away, childishly.
"I don't care, you're suppose to be my person, Shawn. There's nothing to justify you lying. How long were you two planning to keep me in the dark?" You stand, facing away from him, knowing what simply looking at Shawn can do to you. He has so much power over you, and you've never hated that until now.
"Y/N, look at me. Please? Baby I-"
"Jesus Christ, Shawn! Why can't you fucking get it?! For three months you've known about my mothers illness and you didn't tell me! I don't care if you found out accidentally. I don't care if she confided in you and told you she wanted to break the news herself. I feel so selfish. I've barely spoken to her. I spent most of those phone calls gushing about you, or my job, or how much I'm enjoying Toronto. When she's fucking sick!" You're out of breath, sinking to the floor. Bone rattling sobs take over, and, the tears, streaming down your cheeks leave your eyes red.
She's the person who's been there for you since you could remember. Coming to all of your dance recitals, to making you tea on rainy days. Nothing could compare to the relationship you have with your mother. Three months have gone by that you could've been by her side, holding her hand. Three months you'll never get back. Time that could've been spent, showing her how much all those years meant to you.
Shawn's presence radiates warmth, and a part of you needs him more than anything in this moment. To fall into his embrace, and feel his gentle touch. Hear his loving words.
It was so hard to fight against the part of you that knew he was the only one to make it better, but thinking about your mother struck a deeper cord. You needed to get out. The walls around you caving in.
"Y/N please. I didn't know what to do. I found out when we were visiting and she swore me to secrecy. Your mom, she didn't want anything to change. She still wanted you to talk about all the things you love. She knew once you knew, everything would change. And the look she gave me -- it broke my heart. Please, let me hold you." His voice breaks, and it's almost enough. Almost.
You wipe your eyes, taking a deep breath before rising from the floor.
"I'm going to go out for a while. I just need to think, and process this." You move around the apartment erratically, dropping your keys multiple times, stubbing your toe on the corner of your bedroom door. Pulling his sweatshirt over his head, to nearly tearing it off as his scent cascades you like a blanket.
"I'm coming with you." Shawn blocks the front door, and the last thing you need is to expel energy trying to get past him, or say something horrible enough to make him move. Like any words would ever be enough to stop him from caring.
"Shawn, I swear to god.." You put your hands up, warning him.
"Y/N, there's no way in hell I'm letting you leave. I know you're pissed. I get it, but you're in no place to be going to god knows where in this state. The last thing I need is to get a phone call telling me you wrapped your car around a telephone poll."
You laugh at his audacity. "Fuck you, Shawn. The last thing you need?" Was he joking?
He stands his ground, and it would be stupid of you to believe you'd be able to get out of his sight. This was the first time something about him that made your heart full, suddenly made you hate him more than you ever thought possible.
"If you want time alone then I'll leave. Would that make you happy?" Shawn's eyes bore into yours, and you fight yourself from turning away at their intensity, but more than that, the love. There's so much love for you in his eyes, the anger diminishes.
"Damn it, no." You lay your hand flat against his chest before bringing it to a fist, resting your forehead against your flushed skin. "I'm so mad at you, but I'm even more mad at her."
Your voice would've been impossible for anyone else but Shawn to hear. But it's enough for his tensed shoulders to relax, and his arms to wrap around your shaking body. You've never felt so weak, so taken aback.
"I know," he says, and you're crying all over again.
"Shawn, she can't die. I don't know what I would do without her..." How bad is it?
The words are so close to coming out, but knowing the answer would break you.
"I think we should see her soon. I have all next week off." Underneath the surface of his words is your answer.
It's bad
"Then I want to go, I have to." I'm sorry for treating you that way.
Shawn's arms only tighten around you. But you've finally stopped fighting him.
Sometimes there are never the right words. The perfect words. Saying it's ok doesn't mean everything will end up that way. One thing you can believe, is no matter what happens, Shawn was the only way you'd make it through.
"Do you want a glass of water?" His fingers comb through the ends of your hair, as you nod against his chest.
Shawn pulls away, reaching for your hand, giving it a reaffirming squeeze. I've got you.
AN: I'm not going to apologize for the fact that this is about Luke, or for the fact that I feel like I've only been writing about Luke or small blurbs. Sometimes a girl has got to branch out from Shawn. Sometimes a girl needs to show her appreciation for the beautiful, singing blonds. And their album just so happened to reach #1 so here's me celebrating.
Thanks god for @sowhatshawn . I don't know how I'd be staying sane without obsessing over Luke to her. Thanks SIS
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There's a time when you know that it's love. It's no longer a question needing an answer. It doesn't pop up now and again, trying to decide if it's found another home. If two people are lucky enough to house it in their hearts.
You wake up- I woke up. I felt the sun through the windows, hitting our skin. I felt the sheets on my thighs. The hands around my bare waist. And I knew.
I brushed the hair off his forehead, smiling to myself, biting my lip, shaking my head. "God, I can't fight it anymore."
In the bathroom, with the light on, I stared back at my reflection. A blanket around my naked body. I saw my skin, the glow on my cheeks, the natural flush.
"Love." I said, deciding if I liked the way it tasted. If the sound left my lips easily, without question.
"You. I love you." My eyebrows furrowed as my stomach flipped. "Shit."
I switch off the light, pulling the blanket tighter around me. I lean against the wall, watching him. His lips parted. His chest rising and falling. The way his features were relaxed. How he looked so much younger. He didn't look exhausted. He looked comfortable.
I walk to the bed, laying on my side. Mouthing the words, smiling as I do.
"Wake up," I whisper, wanting to erupt. Wanting to share the love that's found a home in my heart for Luke.
He reaches out for me and I take his hand, bringing it to my lips. I kiss his palm and his wrist, intertwining our fingers, admiring the way our skin looks against each other.
"Don't stop doing that," Luke mumbles against the pillow, shivering against my touch.
"Wake up, sleepy head." I kiss his forehead, brushing the hair away once more. "Let me see those blue eyes."
"Babe, it better be after 8." He opens one eye. Enough to wrap his strong arm around me, pulling me into him. I welcome the affection, wrapping my leg over his.
I place a hand on Luke's cheek, rubbing the pad of my thumb over his cheek bone. "Can I tell you something?" My lips find the skin closest to me, connecting to his forearm. I can't stop. My lips know my love.
"Anything." He opens his eyes, propping himself up on an elbow.
My heart races, looking at the beautiful man in this bed, laying naked, covered by a thin sheet. His body displayed for my eyes only. His own looking at me and no one else. His hand finding my arm. Knuckles running up and down.
"Luke, I love you." I nearly choke on the word, having never said them like this before. Because it wasn't like it was when we first started dating and I said it because it was the first time I'd seen him dancing like a goofball. Or when I was sick and he came home with soup and crackers. Because this time was real. Luke had found his way into my life, into my heart. His clothes were in my drawers. His toothbrush was next to my sink. His car outside. His hand on my body. His lips turning up into a smile. A big smile, with teeth and laughter.
Luke pushes me gently onto my back, coming to hover over me. "I thought I'd be the one to say it first, but I guess it doesn't count when you're asleep." His lips meet mine shortly, smiling against my own. "I love you, too. Fuck, I love you."
I'm laughing now too. I'm laughing because we're together. I'm laughing because out of all the people, in the entire world, I'm laying here, at 9am, (earlier than Luke would ever want to be up) with the boy I'm lucky enough to love, but not just that. No, because oh my, he loves me too.
"Love found a home in my heart for you."
Luke shakes his head, "that's got to be the cheesiest thing you've ever said. Miss I'm-not-a-romantic, but I'll accept it. Just for today." He rolls off of me and I turn my body, already missing Luke's face.
"What about longer?"
"And why longer, darling? It's not like we're in love or anything..."
His lips attack my neck. The loudest, happiest laughter bellowing out of me, making my chest hurt and stomach tighten.
"Are you hungry?" He asks against my skin. I nod, reaching my hands into his hair.
