So, apparently, I really really need to talk to people. And I don't mean that I have, like, a problem and should be getting counseling or something(though maybe I need that too who knows). I've just discovered that whenever I stop talking with people, I start to feel like garbage.
Which would explain why college is kicking my butt. I need people to talk to, but all my friends are back home and I'm just too freaking awkward to make new ones here at college. And the friend group that I do have (which is honestly just the friend group my brother left behind when he graduated), I only see at practice. My friends are all swordfighting members, so that's just when I see them...
And, lucky me, my schedule this semester has made going to those practices all but impossible. Which of course means that my primary source of human interaction is basically nonexistent at the moment. And, I mean, I would talk to them on messenger, but I don't like to be the person who sends the first message. I'm always afraid they won't want to talk to me. So I just don't do it, and then I don't talk to people and start feeling like trash. And feeling like trash just makes me feel even more like people don't want to talk to me. It's a vicious cycle.
But for a couple days, right when I got back from break, I was getting messaged by everyone. My family wanted to know how break went, and I just randomly got messaged by some friends around the same time. And we weren't really talking about anything important, it was mostly just random stuff, but... It made me feel...really great. It made me feel human.
I guess it was just nice to know that people actually cared about me enough to try having a conversation, even when they all knew I'm not good at that. It meant so much to me, probably a lot more than any of them knew.
And that was when I realized that I need that conversation. I really, really need it. My roommate calls home every day to talk to her parents. Some people go home every weekend or have actual friends here that they can talk about anything with. I don't do those things because I'm not used to needing socialization. My childhood was pretty...secluded.
I come from a town of 200 people. Actually, outside of town on a farm, and I went to town so little that I don't even know half of the people that live there. I was never around them. Besides school, I probably spent 95% of my life at home. I spent more time around cows than people (and usually found them to be more pleasant company, but that's mostly because teenagers are mean).
But my point is, I grew up with just about as little human contact as it's possible to have in this day and age, and it never bothered me. In fact, I liked it. I liked being on my own. It was nice to walk out into the pasture scream or sing or do whatever I wanted and know that no one could hear me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely.
I thought I wouldn't mind being alone in a dorm room all the time. I thought the thousands of people attending my university might be stifling, but I don't even notice them. It's like they're not really there. Or maybe I'm not. I don't know, but it feels wrong.
Lonely, but not alone. And I can't fix it.
But whenever I get messages, even though I can't see who I'm talking to or hear them speak, it's like they're here with me. They're here for me when no one else is. And that just...it means so much.
