Nov 18, 2018
seen from Japan
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seen from Japan
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
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seen from China
seen from Japan
Enough
[SHAWN MENDES]
Summary: Shawn and [Y/N] have begun to noticeably drift apart and with each sharp, unempathetic word, [Y/N] finds herself more and more unable to tolerate it.
Warnings: slight swearing, angst
My grip on his arm was slacking as he turned, eyes filled to the brim with nothing but anger— fuelling hot, bubbling rage. His dark hair encouraged the shadows, already flickering across his face in the low lights, to elongate. They shrouded the previous happiness that had been the only visible emotion, leaving his stare void of anything of the sort.
“What?” His voice was sharp, searing as if the actual words had cut me across the face. We weren’t particularly close, but I could feel his annoyance rolling off him in waves. Those around us must have detected it, too, as they seemed to subconsciously take a step away from him. I did the same.
I prayed to god those surrounding us, whether in our little dark corner or as far away as the bar, didn’t hear what was going on.
Andrew shot us glances over his wine glass, making a point to raise his eyebrows. ‘You alright?’ He seemed to ask. At least someone cared.
“I’m tired,” I told him at last, having searched his eyes for anything that resembled the Shawn I’d fallen in love with. It was futile, however. That person was long gone, whisked away and morphed by the drug that is fame, attention.
It wasn’t too late, but much later than I’d wanted to stay out for. And the alcohol seeping into my bloodstream, combined with the intolerable music blaring through the speakers was enough to inflict a wave of nausea. The way he glared down at me only heightened this sickening sensation.
He rolled his eyes. “So? What do you want me to do about it?”
“I just want to go home,” I told him, quietening my voice. Again, he rolled his eyes as if my entire existence was so completely aggravating, difficult to bear.
He downed his glass. I wondered, momentarily, whether he did this so to leave with me and that once out of the club, he would regain some of his usual personality.
“Go home then.”
I peered up at him, blatant confusion on my face. Not just because he drove us here so I’d have to find my own way back, but also for the tone he was using. It was just plain rude.
“Aren’t you coming?” God, he made me sound desperate, like a complete fool. And maybe I was. No, I know I was. It sickened me to imagine those around us getting a private show of this. When he made no move to answer, I continued: “how will I get back?”
He huffed, loudly. Without so much as a ‘good bye,’ he’d tossed his keys in my general direction and was storming away, his tall figure easily gliding through the throng of people. I watched him go, face heated up in utter shame and humiliation.
Andrew made a move toward me, face a mixture of shock at Shawn’s behaviour and sympathy. I cringed, internally.
“Is everything alright?” He asked, mouth close to my ear so that I could hear him without him having to shout. I nodded, numbly, having lost feeling in most of my body. Again, he asked but I waved his concerns away and slapped on a smile.
“I’m just drained,” I told him, not exactly lying. “I think I’m going to get back.” I checked my watch. “It’s almost one.” He asked if he should taken me, but I laughed. “Don’t let my granny arse spoil your fun!”
__________
The place was empty, as expected, when I got back. There was something ominous, disconcerting in the sound of the door unlocking as it reverberated through the inhabited rooms in the darkness.
I sighed, plopping my bag down on the counter, along with Shawn’s keys. There was a stuff littered around the place, both clothes and discarded bags, so I tidied up a bit. With nothing else to do, I grabbed a blanket from the bedroom and cuddled up on the sofa.
It had taken me a long while to go to sleep, and when I finally did, I was awakened abruptly by the door opening and the distinct sound of Shawn’s curse as he whacked his leg into the small table by the door. A sharp pain shot through me.
I’d been thinking whilst battling with sleep. My decision was made, my mind set. I wouldn’t put up with it all any longer, I just couldn’t.
I’d gotten up during the time he’d been gone, for everything set up. Everything was organised. I couldn’t turn back now.
“Shawn?” I called into the open air, though I knew it could only be him. Still, my heart thudded against my ribcage and my stomach churned uncomfortably.
“Fuck,” he said, hand pulled to his chest in fright. “What are you doing down here? Why aren’t you upstairs?”
“I was watching tv,” the lie slipped from my tongue, effortlessly. “Must have fallen asleep.”
He accepted it, nodding. “Right, I’m going to get changed. Meet me up there.”
I ‘mhm’ed, but the thought of actually following through with it— of having to sleep beside him, of having to be in the same bed, even the same room as him— made me feel tense. The feeling surprised even myself. Shawn had always had the opposite effect on me, actually strived to make me feel completely at ease.
He disappeared into the bedroom.
His routine was like a ritual so it wasn’t too outlandish to know he was pushing his black jeans down his legs and throwing them to the side so that they pooled onto the floor; unbuttoning his shirt to his expose his toned chest, leaving him in only his boxers. He would then reveal the bed by pulling the duvet away, and slid himself into the space.
I wondered how long I could last, alone in the front room, away from Shawn. Maybe he would go to sleep without me, forget who he was waiting up for, not miss me beside him. It wouldn’t be so improbable.
Apparently my prayers fell upon empty ears, for I heard shuffling from the room he was in after about ten minutes. I wasn’t given much time to prepare before he was hovering above me. I kept my eyes closed, feigning sleep.
“Babe,” he cooed, warm hand on my arm through the blanket. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
I opened my eyes, just managing to make out his general features in the dark.
“No.”
He assessed me, wondering if I was joking— ready to break those plump lips into a grin. “What?” He asked when I showed no sign of joking, maintaining a stern, expressionless facade.
I got up, then, making my way past him to switch on the light. We both blinked harshly, before our eyes adjusted. In the light, I could see his hair was dishevelled, likely from having run his hands through it. As if to prove my point, his hand reached up and pushed through his tangled curls.
His eyes fell upon my attire, eyebrows furrowing when he realised I wasn’t in one of his shirts, but instead, in a pair of jogging bottoms and a t-shirt.
“I. Don’t. Want. To,” I enunciated clearly. “I’ve had enough.”
“Enough of what?” He asked, face taunt in concentration as he studied me. His dark eyes were no longer fiery, but subdued with forthcoming pain. He knew what was coming. Perhaps he didn’t quite believe it, might not have comprehended it, but he knew it was coming.
“Enough of this,” I pointed between us both. “Enough of us, enough of how I am nowadays. Enough of you.”
“You can’t be serious.” His eyebrows scrunched even more, if possible, and his biceps bulged as he crossed his arms firmly across his chest. “I don’t- why- have I done something?”
“You can’t honestly be that oblivious!” I let out. “I’m miserable, Shawn, fucking miserable. All I ever do is wait around for you to be back from tour and when you are, you spend as much of it as you can away from me! Am I really that insufferable?”
“I-“
“And the few times when we are together, you act like I’m nothing to you.”
“Do you not love me anymore? Is that was this is? Because I love you so, so much and maybe I don’t show it like I should, but I do.”
“Of course I love you,” I said, pulling my hair in frustration. “But I can’t keep being treated like this. You make me feel worthless, like I’m- I’m nothing. I’ve had enough. I can’t keep doing this.”
It was then that his eyes drifted down, back towards the door. It dawned on him then, that I was completely serious. We weren’t just going to have make up sex and this whole ordeal forgotten about.
He strode towards where my bag, filled with all my essentials, lay and picked it up, putting it behind his back.
“No. You can’t just leave like this. If we both love each other, what’s the problem?” He looked on the verge of derangement, hands shaking ever so slightly.
I stepped closer to him, tentative but resolute. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt, Shawn.”
He let me come nearer, breathing in my scent when I snaked my arms around his waist. His breathing was jagged, uneven as we just stood there. He was too absorbed in indulging in the feeling of my body against his, moulding into mine, to notice my hands detaching the bag from his hands.
I separated myself from him with difficulty for his hands seemed glued to me now. With reluctance, he let me put distance between us, eyes still shut as if savouring that hug, likely still not believing it’d be the last one.
The opening of the door shocked him out of his state and he spun round to face me again.
“I can’t live without you!” He called as a last resort.
The door beneath my hand felt less sturdy than usual, feeling as though my whitened knuckles would crush it any second. Alas, it stayed in shape, but the same couldn’t be said for either Shawn or myself.
“You’re going to have to learn,” I said in way of a farewell.
Once the door was shut behind me, I stepped towards the lift.
As the doors closed before me, I imagined them aiding in cutting the ties with Shawn and I.
I couldn’t stop the sob that racked through me as the tears began to fall.
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