Yue Qi never said it out loud, but he lived for those green eyes. How his Xiao Jiu would glare and scoff and snarl at the world with distrust and contempt, but as soon as his Xiao Jiu turned to him, all he could see was warmth. Adoration. As if the only thing worth anything in Xiao Jiu's eyes were his Qi-ge.
How Xiao Jiu always thought of him as them. The two of them against the world. Inseparable and constant.
Oh, how he knew Xiao Jiu hated it when Yue Qi would try to deescalate a situation instead of immediately taking his side, agreeing with his stance. But he knew his Xiao Jiu, better than he knew himself. Enabling him too much would just make Xiao Jiu more fearless, something that could get him hurt. Yet he also couldn't bring himself to ever be strict on his Xiao Jiu unless it would severely affect him.
It was a careful balance of indulging and redirecting, or outright concealing if the situation got too out of control.
His attempts at deescalating have gotten him scowls in return and insults of how Qi-ge is too soft, too kind. He just smiles down at Xiao Jiu in those moments because he knows all his softness and kindness are solely for Xiao Jiu and no one else.
He doesn't actually care if the other slaves died or got hurt. It was better for them to believe whatever they saw him as so long as they listened to him. Less of them would mean more attention on Xiao Jiu, which would mean he might end up in a very bad situation that Qi-ge wouldn't be able to get him out of.
Not that it mattered in the end.
His poor Xiao Jiu ended up in a scummy noble's estate, and his only reason for abandoning his Xiao Jiu was to become a powerful cultivator so he could rescue his...his...everything.
But he couldn't even do that. All that hard work, all that rushing, and he almost ruined himself--almost died for his foolishness.
He was a filthy oathbreaker. A worthless Qi-ge who couldn't even save his own heart.
Those green eyes no longer look at him like he can do everything. Like he's Xiao Jiu's own personal hero. Not anymore, and probably not ever again.
Now he's lumped together with the rest of the world in Xia--in Shen-shidi's eyes. He's lost the right to call Shen Qingqiu as A-Jiu or Xiao Jiu. No longer his, and it hollowed him. His heart was gone, and it was all his own fault.
All this power, all this prestige, and what did it amount to?
Nothing.
(In the back of his mind, a voice whispers to him to just tell Shen Qingqiu the truth. To let him know that Qi-ge did return for his Xiao Jiu but that he was too late because of his own stupidity. Sometimes, he opens his mouth to say it, to just let Shen Qingqiu judge him with all the facts, but the words strangle him, lodging themselves in his throat and choking him. Instead, what he ends up doing is swallowing them back down, those green eyes he longs for narrowed from behind the fan covering half his face and muttering another, I'm sorry as he flees. Shame and guilt are his constant companions, and sometimes, he fools himself that his failure wouldn't change a thing. But always, that voice whispers, what if?)