29 July 2018 -- "I feel my new life coming soon. I'm shaking off the baggage and dead skin of my past. France will be my last molt before the new me."
[scroll to the end if you want to see the news about my blog, keep reading if you want to hear me be very vulnerable]
166 days later, I sit here at my desk feeling like a completely new human being. I've been reading a lot of literature that talks about the two halves of life. It's a predominantly religious/spiritual concept in which our life is marked by two phases. The first phase being somewhat like a trial run before upgrading to the full product. Many theologians and spiritualists claim that many human beings stay in the first phase for their entire life. For the most part, I agree with them. Having grown up in a conservative Christian environment, I've seen many people stuck in the dogma of religion.
The transition between the first and second phase of life is usually marked by a traumatic experience: car accident, death of loved one, etc. Many people claim that this transition in itself is a painful process. It involves completely deconstructing and rewiring all of the beliefs you once held close. To put it simply, it involves completely losing yourself in hopes that you may once again find yourself.
10 years. It's been 10 years since I first thought that I might actually be gay. It's been a painful 10 years. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I spent a majority of those years hating myself and praying to God that I would change. I told myself that I would spend the rest of my life lonely. I would choose to remain in the closet throughout the rest of my life. I couldn't bare the thought of coming out to my parents, my family, nor my friends.
Five years into it all, I came out for the first time to a friend. Of course, it was met with a "Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You are just confused. God will make you straight again." Was he? Because after five years of praying, I was still gay. After a few traumatic experiences in my life, I completely gave up on God changing me. In fact, I completely gave up on God.
When I was 16, I got into a horrible car accident. I was lucky to have survived, let alone survived without any major injuries. That was enough to completely shake up my life. But that wasn't the end of it. At the age of 17, my mom with tears in her eyes told me that my grandfather had lung cancer that spread to the rest of his body. Two months later, he was gone.
Here I was, a 17 year old who not only hated himself but felt as though he had nothing left. Every thing I believed in as a child was gone. If I didn't have such a huge fear of death, I don't think I would have made it to see 18 years. But I survived. I soon graduated and went to college.
To put a long story short, I met some wonderful people while in college and they helped me let go of not only my past but the religion of my youth. I began to love myself for who I am and I began healing from all the wounds of my past.
This all bring us, to where I am now. I'm in a foreign country away from all my friends and family. These past four months have been almost like a baptism to me. I've been plunged into deep water and I'm slowly coming up anew. I've embraced myself and I've completely cleansed myself of the religion of my youth. However, I don't think I've yet reached my second life and if I have, I don't think this is the last phase of my life. I am a completely new human, but I'm not done growing.
In the spirit of feeling like a completely new human being, it's time for my Tumblr to be revamped. I'm not sure to what extent my blog will change, but I do know that at least my theme (I actually began changing my theme a few weeks ago) and username will be changed in the process. I think I might add a side blog into the mix... we'll see. This will take a few weeks, maybe months; but I'm extremely excited about it. During this time, I won't be posting as often. I will still be active on Tumblr, I just won't be posting that often. Feel free to message me at anytime and feel free to ask me any questions.
