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Neither Here Nor There (1/3)

Summary: Very seldom does life go as we plan it. Life goes downhill after (Y/N) is kidnapped, and things only get stranger from there. Thrown into the world of Hydra, the Avengers, and superheroes there’s only one constant: Bucky Barnes. Is there any way for them to find the peace they both long for?

A/N: Okay, it’s been Never since I posted something that’s already finished, so this’ll be an interesting three weeks of consistent posts. As a warning, this fic will cover a lot of ground very quickly. It’ll be a bit of a wild ride, but I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong

Pairing: BuckyxReader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: Kidnapping, shitty family, canon typical violence, angst

(Y/N) never intended to join the Avengers.

Actually, she never should've been considered for the team in the first place.

She'd started her career, as unfortunate as it was, as an asset of Hydra. Her particular powerset had intrigued them and she was snatched from her college campus in the middle of her junior year. The saddest part is that no one seemed to even notice she was gone.

From that point she was isolated, poked, proded, tested, trained, and sent out into the field. Her ability to phase through solid matter was in high demand for missions that required access to heavily secured facilities. She'd never want to admit it, but she was used for extracurricular breaches by a select few operatives, most of whom she quickly decided had death wishes. Then her superiors began partnering her with their best kept secret, the Winter Soldier, and she decided they thought she was the one with the death wish.

Though she was terrified of him at first, (Y/N) found that she actually liked working with the Soldier. He was far more focused on the mission, getting in and out, than he was on her. They’d worked together for a year before he said a single word to her. Most communication was relayed to them by their superiors, so the Soldier generally communicated through head and hand movements and the occasional grunt where necessary. But then she was shot while they were on a mission and everything changed.

The round tore through her right thigh. (Y/N) cried out and fell to the asphalt just behind the Soldier and he just barely looked over his shoulder in time to see her knees hit the ground. (Y/N) heard a singular hissed “fuck” through his mask as he stopped in his tracks and ran back to grab her. She told him to leave her, but he simply shook his head and slung her over his shoulder without a single slowed movement.

And he ran for cover just like that. The enemy continued shooting and (Y/N) pressed her hands to the Soldier’s back and asked him to trust her. He simply nodded and kept his eyes forward. In turn, she dug her fingers in and shared enough of her power with him that the bullets that would’ve taken them down flew right through them. If he was surprised, the Soldier didn’t show it.

When they were able to finally take shelter, (Y/N) assessed her wound and extracted the bullet herself, only to sob into her elbow while the Soldier stitched her up.

When he finished she mumbled, “Thank you.”

“It’s fine,” he muttered. (Y/N) stared at him in shock and he said, “What?”

“I’ve never heard you speak,” she explained. “Not until today, at least.”

The soldier folded his arms and sat back against the wall. “I talk.”

(Y/N) shook her head. “Not really. But I can’t blame you for keeping quiet. It’s safer.”

It was silent, save for the sounds of their breathing, then, “You don’t talk much either.”

Confused, she said, “Sorry?”

“I’ve seen you with the Handlers. You don’t say much more than one or two words at a time.”

“Oh. Right.” She sighed and leaned heavily against the wall. “I wasn’t always like this. But you know how it is with these people.” The Soldier nodded. “I tried to escape once.”

“Oh?”

(Y/N) nodded. “Got maybe two miles away before they pinned me down and dragged me back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Should’ve known better, y’know?” She sniffed and rubbed her tears from her cheeks. “And I don’t know why you’re apologizing. You’re not the reason I’m here.”

“I kind of am. You’re stuck with me on these missions.”

“I’d rather be with you than someone who doesn’t get it.”

Silently, he moved to sit beside her and gently nudged her with his elbow. She laid her head on his shoulder and the Soldier sighed. (Y/N) dozed on and off for several hours before he said anything further.

“We’ll have to move as soon as it’s dark.”

(Y/N) didn’t open her eyes, but she nodded. “I’ll be fine by then.”

“Good.”

“Will you ever talk to me again?” she whispered.

“Probably.”

“Okay.”

The Soldier kept his promise and spoke with (Y/N), however sparingly, when they were alone on assignment. There wasn’t much for them to talk about, but just having someone in those circumstances was a comfort.

They worked together for three more years before the Soldier was assigned to a high level mission in Washington D.C. and (Y/N) was transferred to a facility in the middle of some German forest she couldn’t point out on a map if you put a gun to her head. Though he had once been one of the most talked about operatives in Hydra, there was a point where all mention of him died off. No one mentioned him. There was no news of his mission in D.C., or updates on where he was going next, and while (Y/N) was used to being kept in the dark, this lack of information scared her. There was no talk of going back to the States, and soon their operations were moved, quiet literally, underground. (Y/N) didn’t see sunlight for close to six months after the move, and even then it was only because the ceiling of her cell collapsed.

A man in a suit of red and gold metal fell through the hole in the ceiling just as (Y/N) pressed her back against the wall. They swung around, hand outstretched, palm facing her and she dropped into a crouch and covered her head with her arms.

“Who are you?”

“Who are you?!” she countered.

“I asked first, kid.”

He shifted forward and (Y/N) scrambled back through the wall on pure instinct. She could distantly hear the armored man’s shouts of disbelief, followed by a call for backup. The door of her cell blasted out into the hallway and the man stuck his head out of the doorway and loudly asked “how the hell she did that.” She didn’t stick around to answer and pelted through the maze of hallways that she never had any time to familiarize herself with and prayed that she’d make it out before someone, good or bad, grabbed her and dragged her back.

She was caught off guard when a pair of arms reached out and grabbed her from a dark doorway. No matter how much she struggled, they wouldn’t loosen their hold. Even when she managed to smash her head into their chin.

“Let me go!” she cried.

“I can’t do that,” they growled.

“Please let me go,” she begged. She tried to phase through their arms, but through her panic all she could manage was a tiny flicker in solidity. Their arms tightened around her and she lost all of her fight and went limp against their chest. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“Why would we hurt you?”

(Y/N) shook her head and she flickered again. “You’re attacking Hydra. I work for them. Why wouldn’t you?”

“Pretty straight forward when she says it like that, eh, Rogers?” The man in the armor appeared in her periphery and she cringed away from him. He held up his hands when he saw her reaction. “We’re not going to hurt you.”

“Then let me go.”

“Can’t do that,” said the man holding her. “You’re still Hydra.”

“Not by choice.” The man holding her seemed surprised by that, and his arms loosened just enough for her to knock them away and scurry away to the mouth of another hallway. Both men lurched forward and she held her hands out to defend herself. “Don’t.”

“What do you mean? Are you being blackmailed?”

She finally got a good look at the man who’d grabbed her. He was tall and broad through the shoulders. The red, white, and blue suit he wore seemed a bit gaudy. Old fashioned. By the time she saw the shield on his back, she was kicking herself for not recognizing him sooner. “You’re Captain America,” she said. She almost laughed. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

“Oh, so you know him, but not me?”

“He’s in history books.” She deadpanned. “Am I supposed to know who you are?”

“I’ve consistently made national headlines for the past six years.”

“I haven’t really seen the news since two-thousand eight. Maybe longer.”

“It’s like talking to a wall.” He turned to Captain America and said, "I'll go find the others. You talk to the kid."

The two men nodded in agreement and the armored man disappeared down the hallway again.

There wasn’t much Rogers had to say to get (Y/N) out of the compound. Once she knew they weren’t there to punish her, but rather wanted to help instead, she readily went with him. He guided her onto their jet and a redheaded woman she immediately identified as a Black Widow approached them. She instinctively took a step back and a gentle hand on the small of her back stopped her.

“She’s a friend,” Rogers said.

In turn, (Y/N) said, “She’s a Black Widow, is what she is.”

“You say that like I’m going to kill you,” the Widow said.

(Y/N) shrugged. “I’m not stupid enough to think you couldn’t.”

The Widow snorted and said “Smart.”

She quickly learned those who'd found her were part of a team called the Avengers. They gave her a place to stay and ensured she was safe and healthy. In return, she cooperated with any tests they asked for. Stark was particularly interested in how her powers worked. Even more so when they occasionally malfunctioned.

She spent two weeks in the tower before she heard talk of her transitioning back to society. She didn’t really know what that entailed, but in the time she’d been given to catch up on what happened in the years since she was snatched, she tried getting in contact with her family. She called her mother, who simply chose to call her a liar and hang up. She tried her father and didn’t receive much more. When she finally managed to get ahold of her sister, she was told that her family had assumed that she’d disappeared on purpose and they’d moved on instead of cooperating with police investigations.

“So none of you care that I was kidnapped? None of that fazes you?”

“To be honest, weirder things have happened around the world since you disappeared. I mean, literal aliens invited.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with me? My life was destroyed, but you three are fine, so it doesn't matter. Is that it?”

She could practically hear her shrug. "I don't know what to tell you, (Y/N). You weren't here."

"Do you hear how fucking blasé that sounds?"

"(Y/N)-"

"No, y'know what? Go fuck yourselves."

She hung up and tossed the phone onto the bed and leaned back against the wall, willing herself not to cry. There was a gentle knock on the doorframe and (Y/N) looked up to find Steve standing just inside the doorway.

"Did you hear that?" she asked, her voice small.

He nodded. "Do you need to talk?"

Her bottom lip wobbled and tears spilled over as she nodded. She quickly swiped the tears away. “Sorry. I’m not usually like this.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Steve sat on the edge of the bed and clasped his hands in his lap. It was clear that he wanted to provide some kind of physical comfort, but didn’t want to overstep. “What happened?”

“I uh…” she sniffed- “I heard you and Tony talking about getting me back in society, so I tried getting in contact with my family, but it’s like I never existed. Like I was missing for seven years and they just never looked for me.”

“Oh, (Y/N)…”

“They literally told the police to stop looking for me. I called my mom, she called me a liar, my father did the same thing, and my sister acted like it was my fault for getting snatched in the first place. Because apparently an alien invasion makes a family member’s kidnapping mundane, or some shit.”

"So you told them to-"

"Go fuck themselves, yes."

"Honestly, I don't blame you."

"What?"

"Sounds like they don't care about you, and if that's the case, they can eat shit."

(Y/N) laughed and the sound was borderline hysterical. "Christ, the fact that you just said that blows my little pea brain right outta my head."

"Aw, come on. Your brain's bigger than a pea."

"Mm, maybe a cashew?"

Steve laughed. "Maybe."

(Y/N) sighed, shaky and tired, and looked Steve in the eye. "Thank you."

"Of course. But um…" He scratched his chin and averted his eyes. "I need to ask you a few questions."

"About my time with Hydra, right?"

"Right." (Y/N) watched his brows pull together as he thought. "I don't exactly know how to ask this."

"Just do it. I mean-" she shrugged- "what're you afraid of? It's not like you can offend me."

"Right." He sighed. "Did you work closely with anyone? They might've been high level or secret ops."

"Uh, yeah actually. I did." She frowned. "I get the feeling you have someone in mind."

"I do. I just want to know if we're thinking of the same person."

"Okay… I worked with someone they called the Winter Soldier." (Y/N) watched Steve's expression morph into something akin to grief. "I was initially assigned to him because I could get him in and out without drawing attention to an entry point. We worked together for a total of four years, I think. And we worked really well together, if I'm being honest."

"Were you close?"

"As close as we could be, given the circumstances. He was my friend. "

"Was?"

"He was placed on a mission months ago and I haven't heard a thing about him since. I can only assume he's dead." Steve frowned and she said, "Is he alive?" When he didn’t answer she grabbed his arm. “Steve, is he alive?”

“Yes, he’s alive.”

(Y/N)’s shoulders sagged with relief and she covered her face with her hands. Steve placed a gentle hand on her knee and she let her hands fall to the mattress.

“What is he to you?”

"His name is Bucky," Steve said. “He's my best friend.”

"Holy shit." She almost laughed. "I had no idea he was that old."

"I don't think he knows he's that old."

(Y/N) did laugh then. When she'd quieted down, she asked, "Are you looking for him?" Steve nodded and she covered his hand with hers. "Can I help?"

"I don't know…"

"You know I don't have anyone waiting for me at home. And you knew him before he was the Soldier, but I know him now. As he is. I can be useful."

"It's not that I don't think you're useful, (Y/N), it's just not your responsibility."

"Well, I'm not your responsibility either, but you still took me in."

"We couldn't just leave you there."

"But you could've just dropped me off somewhere and made me someone else's problem." Steve still hesitated. "I'll beg. I'm not above it."

"You want to help that badly?"

"Outside of this tower, he's the only person I have. I absolutely want to help that badly."

Steve caved pretty easily and (Y/N) joined the investigation immediately.

Steve and Sam were easy to work with, for the most part, but she always itched to go off and look on her own. Part of her knew that the reason they made so little progress was because Bucky knew they were looking for him. So she suggested that they back off for a month or so. Shortly after they did, the algorithms Tony helped them set up began pulling in leads. Most of them were just brief sightings, but it was something and Steve seemed pleased.

Months passed, and while Steve was training or working or off on a mission, (Y/N) was back at the tower, neck deep in the investigation. She rarely left the tower, mostly citing her lack of money and familiarity with the city when someone asked (Tony quietly hired her as an assistant at one point. She tried to turn him down, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.)

She followed any lead she could dig up, each time finding that the trail would disappear after a couple of days. This happened for weeks on end before she decided to back off, giving a day or so between research sessions. Initially, the same thing happened, but she didn’t give up She backed off, and went back to a sighting in Paris. She monitored movements from there, tracing him to Austria before the trail went cold. She gave it a couple days and sure enough, he cropped up again in Rome. She wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing, but she was glad she’d found him.

When Steve dropped by to check on her, she let him know she’d found him. He wanted to pack up and meet him, but she explained how she’d found him and suggested that they let him get settled before trying to make contact. The last thing they wanted was to spook Bucky and lose him again. Steve agreed and dropped his jacket in the chair beside (Y/N) and asked her for a full update on what she’d found.

(Y/N) kept tabs on him for several months, but otherwise took on other projects. She joined Natasha for training and assisted Tony to the best of her ability when he needed her. She was left to her own devices otherwise.

There was a night several months down the road during a particularly rowdy party, thrown to celebrate Thor’s return to Earth, where (Y/N)’s phone rang. It wasn’t a number she recognized, so she excused herself to take the call.

“Hello?”

“(Y/N).”

She knew it was him immediately and the sound of his voice stole her breath. “H-hey.”

“You’ve been tracking me.”

“A little. How’d you know?”

“Because you’re not aggressive as Steve is.”

“I feel like there’s an ‘and’ in there somewhere.”

“There’s no and.” He sighed. “I tried to find you in Germany, but the base was empty. Security footage showed you going with the Avengers.”

“Right.” She sighed and ran her hand down her face. “Look, I’m sorry if I overstepped, but I hadn’t heard about you for months after you were sent on that last mission, and I thought you died or something, so when Steve said you were alive I had to do something to find you. Even if it was just to make sure he was right.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re all I have.”

“You have a family.”

“They don’t give a shit about me.”

“The Avengers, then.”

“They don’t know me.”

“And I do?”

“Better than most.”

“You’re a better liar than that, (Y/N).”

She felt like she was about to lose him all over again. “Look. We worked together for four years. Maybe that’s not a long time for you, but it was for me. And you were the only person I could rely on to not use me. I can't lose you again.”

“I didn’t realize you felt that way.”

“Well we’re friends, aren’t we? And you and I don’t really have many of those.”

He chuckled and (Y/N) couldn’t remember ever having heard the sound before. “That’s true. Unfortunately.”

(Y/N) smiled and leaned against the wall. “So. You went all the way to Germany to liberate me?”

“I did.”

“Sorry to waste your time.”

“Wasn’t a waste of time. I learned you were safe, at least.”

“Are you safe?” she asked.

“Me?”

“Yeah, wherever you are. Are you safe?”

He was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Good. Are you still bouncing around?”

“Not for much longer. I found somewhere to settle, at least for a little while.”

“I’m glad. You deserve a little quiet.”

“Thank you.” He paused. “I’m not gonna tell you where I’m going.”

“Wasn’t planning to ask. We’ll respect your privacy.”

“But Steve-”

“He’ll get over it. Just make sure he can’t find you.”

“What,” he said, smile evident in his voice. “Like, you’d do a better job than him?”

“I’m more patient than he is.” They both laughed, but (Y/N) sobered quickly. “What do you want me to call you now? ‘Soldier’ doesn’t really bring back good memories.”

“No,” he murmured. “Just… just call me Bucky.”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s my name. Might as well use it.”

“It’s a nice name.”

“Thank you.”

“Will you stay in touch?”

“I can’t promise much.”

“At least call when you’re settled then. Just so I know you’re good.”

He sighed. “Okay, yeah. I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

“I should probably get going. I have a boat to catch.”

“Okay. Thanks for calling. It’s really nice to hear your voice again.”

“Yours too.” A horn blared in the background of the call. “That’s my ride.”

“Then you better get going.”

“Talk to you later.”

“Mhm, later.”

“Bye, (Y/N).”

The line went dead and she stared at her phone’s dimming screen with a smile playing at her lips. She glanced up and found Natasha leaning against the wall opposite her. Her sudden appearance startled (Y/N) enough that she almost dropped her phone.

“Well that sounded friendly,” Natasha said.

“How much did you hear?”

Natasha shrugged. “Enough. ”

“Okay then.”

(Y/N) ducked her head and tried to excuse herself back to the party, but didn’t make it very far.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, (Y/N).” Natasha’s voice was quiet and held an edge of concern that (Y/N) wasn’t used to.

“I’ll admit, I’m inept in most areas, but I know him. I trust him.” She met Natasha’s gaze. “Please trust me enough to let me handle something like this on my own.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you to handle yourself.”

“You don’t trust him.”

“I don’t trust his mind.”

“I don’t think he does either. But I can’t lose another friend. I know you understand that.”

Natasha gave in far more readily than (Y/N) expected. “You’re sure you can keep this from Steve?”

“I’ll figure something out.” Natasha raised one eyebrow. “What, you think I’m not crafty enough to lie to Captain America?”

“You have yet to prove you can.”

“I haven’t had to. Which is pretty nice, considering I was Hydra for almost a decade.”

Her posture softened and she placed a gentle hand on (Y/N)'s arm. "You know we're happy to have you, right?"

"That means a lot, coming from you. Thank you." (Y/N) grinned. "I won't mention this if you don't mention the call.

That earned a surprising chuckle from Natasha. "Deal."

----------

Part 2

OKAY so I know that this fic is entirely out of left field, especially with the structure, but trust me: it’s good (?). Yeah, let’s go with that.

How do you feel about the structure of this story? What do you think of the Reader character so far? Do you like her background? What about her relationship with Bucky? Where do you think it might lead in the future? I’d love to know what you think! Be sure to like, reblog, comment, and/or shoot me an ask and tell me all about it!

If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters, please let me know!

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