#readwriteappreciate

[peripheralism]

family is a lot to soak in, once you’ve attained “maturity”. 

i mean, up until then it’s mostly just a construct that you’ve been conditioned to care for, but all of a sudden it feels like a switch has been flipped and you’re staring at the walls of your room, wondering why you don’t relate to any of them. 

of course i could never open up to them about my various shenanigans, but aren’t i supposed to be cheerfully conversing with them around across the dinner table about my day, 

my studies, 

my thoughts, 

my life?

[peripheralism]

sleep deprivation & certain weaknesses

my heart is a fragile thing. you see.

as i’ve realised that love is a volatile substance that is extremely finicky to encounter and deal with, so is the basic aspect of remotely liking a human being. or even with lust, if that’s what you have observed. 

everything is doubtful. everything requires more risk than necessary. everything hurts when shit does not work out (it hardly ever does, don’t worry). 

and it just, 

it sucks when it doesn’t end up the way you wanted it to because of the mere lack of connectivity. breaths mingling with one other, bare skin on skin, the smell of the other, the scratch of his stubble. but the thought of him and you together, together and drunkenly dancing around a room with an old Hindi (definitely played by me) tune playing in the background makes you want to love again. wholly, willingly, committed. 

and sometimes it sucks because-

because it was never meant to be. maybe it was, a very very long time back, probably another eon that one takes ages to recollect and acknowledge. but it was once nice. and now it is practically nothing and i still choose to tread down this path of pure, unadulterated misery. he is invading my thoughts like he once did, but now all i want is to allow myself to hold him until he is shoved out of my periphery by life, and of course, myself.

and then, 

there are those, those that run through your mind like a flurry of perfect memories, with kisses on cheeks, and wet streaks of mascara when we finally got to feel the other. that kind of love that makes your heart beat so wildly, but then you wake up one day and it’s gone. the spark, the willingness, the urge to hold him in my arms and never let go. i love him. i love him, i know i do. i just...don’t feel it. i feel like wrapping myself in a million blankets and never leaving from the swaddle of comfort because if i do, i would fall apart to dust (the kind that stings your eyes).

my heart is fragile, but it is resilient and it has not allowed me to budge. i have no clue whether to thank it, or smack myself silly for being a prick.

[peripheralism]

to better days, 

with lies spun in statements,  with plasticity that lay under smiles, with laughter i thought would ring in my ears - at least for a little longer.  with cigarette smoke, with flippancy, with obliviousness,  with so, so many birdies. 

to much better days.

[peripheralism]

we didn’t really care for the parched insides of our mouths, or the sun that made us squint our eyes at each other, or the wavering breeze that made our teeth chatter;

our companion,  me, you

a good winter day

[peripheralism]

a goddamn rant

okay. so, like...friends exist right? and sometimes these friendships are like cotton candy swirls that fall on your tongue in a happy fluff of sugary promises but then it just melts too quickly and all that rush of sucrose entering your system just STAYS and doesn’t go away until you realise that you’re sitting on your bed at 10 PM attempting to pass tomorrow’s English exam and all you want to do is cry your heart out. 

and the worst bit? 

you want to cry on that fucking asshole’s shoulder. 

-x- 

people leave. i mean, t really doesn’t surprise me anymore. maybe it’s their general incompetency to maintain people, or maybe it’s just my nature that attracts people for an oh-so-very-brief moment and then decides to repel all of humanity, when the universe fucking knows that i am a bloody extrovert who apparently needs people around her to function. 

i can’t even oppose that. 

goddammit. 

-x- 

so i can’t fucking study. i can’t fucking write (clearly). i can’t seem to keep friends, i can’t seem to be good enough for someone i loved and adored at one time, to stay until that one spot in the room is illuminated by dawn. i can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of permanency because how can i (?), when my brain is stretched and yanked in so many different ways on a daily basis. i can’t seem to ever be satisfied by the way i look or act or feel or do or even when i fucking breathe. 

my heart hurts and it’s weighing me down like a ton of bricks and i don’t know how to fix it.

the ache is constant, the ache is too goddamn real to negate it. 

[peripheralism]

i will love you 

even after you feel like the threads that hold you together 

untangle 

[peripheralism]

regret & attempted redemption

I didn’t want to, I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t want to be lured into your magnetism, I didn’t want to be intoxicated by your presence, But I was, And I did.

And now the ring-rings filled with crackling static, Make so much more sense.