my inability to feel happy even when good things happen may very well be the death of me





#interview with the vampire#iwtv#the vampire armand#assad zaman
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my inability to feel happy even when good things happen may very well be the death of me
saying "yay" in the most deadpan voice so i appear to to others as someone who is still able to feel joy
my samefood keeps disappearing from the walmart website and not telling me what stores have it in stock, so i just have to drive around fruitlessly searching for the only thing i can eat, using all my daily spoons in an hour. i do not have the fucking energy for this
i really hate psychiatry. i wanna quit all this shit. i'm tired of doctors threatening me with incarceration every time i ask for help. i'm tired of the negligence and gaslighting. i'm tired of being stripped of my autonomy and abused when all i need is understanding and compassion.
i'm not getting better. the constant surveillance isn't helping me. i feel trapped. i feel like if i say anything too honest, i'll end up back in a ward, which has never done anything but horrifically traumatize me. this is not healing. this is not care. this is not help.
i love starving myself <3 love feeling the gurgling pool of acid in my stomach grow angrier and more violent as the confusion sets in and i lose my sense of balance <3 yay <3
i wanna murder everyone who slightly inconveniences me
feeling the frantic and uncomfortable urge to create so i can feel useful
imagine having money and friends and not living in squalor