“Wild berry Pop Tarts are the BEST! Dave bought some and I am in HEAVEN!”
“Last day of September! Let’s goooo! I’m so excited to get into Spooky Season.”
“I finished one of my Goosebumps books. Now I just gotta read The Return Of The Invisible Boy and I can return them to the library BEFORE the duedate! Ohoho! That RARELY happens.”
“In other news, I have discovered that when I fidget with something in my hands while entering a room, I DON’T forget what I came in there for. MIND BLOWN! Seriously!”
“I LOVE MY ADHD! It can be a pain, but working with it is so REWARDING!”
“There are good and bad brain days and I feel confident that I can keep my grades up and my spirits elevated no matter what. (Especially with all the adrenaline rushes from monsters and aliens and other various spookables haha.)”
“Wow….that was a long ramble. Hope ya can follow it! Talk soon! I gotta get to gym class! We’re playing volleyball!”
Summary: You’ve had a crush on the consultant at the Wangshung Funeral Parlor for a while now, and getting promoted to his secretary makes things get complicated faster than you could possibly handle.
Pairing: Zhongli x Reader
Rating: Fluff (SFW)
Word Count: 3,518
Am I using Hu Tao for comedic purposes? Yes. Yes I am. So sue me. Also, I honestly didn’t think this two-shot formula would go anywhere but you guys seem to like it, so here we are.
You were snapped from your mid-morning doze by the sound of a file landing on your desk. You jolted up in your seat, trying your best to stay alert, but your disheveled hair was giving you away and you knew it. You’d pulled another late night all thanks to a certain eccentric funeral director, and said director was the one standing on the other side of your desk, her face split in half with a frankly alarming Cheshire grin.
That was never a good sigh, not with Hu Tao.
“Director,” you said, stifling a yawn, “what’s this?”
Hu Tao jabbed her finger at the manilla folder, her grin remaining wide and getting impossibly wider. “Read it.”
You blinked at her, putting a hand out to stop her as she was beginning to lean towards you, then plucking the folder from the desktop and opening it. You shot Hu Tao an uneasy glance before focusing your attention on the contents of the folder.
It was a letter of promotion. There, clear as day, it said just that. You were being reassigned from your desk job to the secretary and personal assistant to…
Oh no.
Hu Tao’s grin dropped to a less frightening smile. “Don’t you love it? Are you excited?”
“Uh,” you said, “that’s— well— Uh, the pay is better there.”
Hu Tao groaned, her smile dropping completely. “That’s all? That’s seriously all you’re going to say? After I’ve done you this tremendous favor?”
You pinched the bridge of your nose. “Director, you know this is a terrible idea.”
“Au contrare, (Y/N), it’s an excellent idea. Your time draws near as all our times do, and I see the way you look at him. Plus, I think your talents are better suited to this position. Zhongli could use the extra hand with Meng on leave, and you’re more than capable. I didn’t do this to play matchmaker— okay, maybe I did, just a little— but that’s beside the point—”
“No, it absolutely isn’t,” you interjected, “this is unprofessional. You gave me a new position to set me up with someone.”
Hu Tao shook her head. “No, I was considering giving you the position even before you told me about how you felt, so that’s a moot point. This is just an added bonus. Have some fun before you inevitably become one of my clients. Really, I promise you that I’m giving you this position because I think you earned it.”
You sighed. “Okay, okay. I’ll humor you. The pay is better, and Archons know I need the mora. But, Director, you know how I get around him. It’s like I’m possessed.”
Hu Tao considered this, her hands lacing together in front of her chest.
“Nah, not possession, that’s way different. Way more drooling.” She gave a little shudder, “far too much drooling. But that isn’t my point. Everyone gets tongue-tied, (Y/N), especially around the person they like. The most you’ll be doing is getting tea, helping with undertaking, and helping set up memorial services. You already know how to do those things, so it shoused be a piece of cake for you.”
“Piece of cake,” you parroted, “I’ve got this.”
Hu Tao’s alarming grin was back. “Yeah, you do, that’s the spirit!”
You gave her a grin of your own, but it was halfhearted and nervous. “So, when do I start?”
Hu Tao’s expression grew sheepish. “Uh. That’s the thing. You start now.”
Your eyes went to the size of saucers, bolting up from your desk. “What!?”
“Don’t worry,” Hu Tao said, pressing a hand to her chest, “I’ll be your wingwoman. Also I’m required to oversee your first day.”
You put your head in your hands. This was going to be an utter disaster.
You were right. This was a complete disaster. It was from the moment you stepped into Zhongli’s office with the box full of your belongings in your arms, Hu Tao on your tail.
Zhongli looked up from what he was doing, and you averted your gaze as his piercing stare landed on you.
“Ah,” he said, “(Y/N). What a lovely surprise. What brings you to my office? W-with your belongings? Why is the director with you?”
“I’m here,” Hu Tao said, “because (Y/N) here is your new secretary and personal assistant.”
Zhongli looked a little bewildered, but he simply smiled easily and rose to his feet, crossing the room to take the box of things from your arms, setting it on the empty desk in the corner of the space. You saw Hu Tao grinning at you out of the corner of your eye, but you pointedly ignored her.
“Very well,” he said, “the extra help would be much appreciated. I have to meet with Mr. Zhang for the arrangements of his father’s memorial service and burial in just a couple of minutes, if you’d be so kind as to accompany me.”
You nodded, probably a little too quickly. “Yes, of course.”
“Smooth,” Hu Tao said.
Zhongli looked at her. “What was that, Director?”
“Hm? I didn’t say anything.”
Zhongli stared at her for a few seconds, one of his eyebrows quirking up, but he let the subject drop. “Very well. You’re coming along, yes?”
“Uh-huh,” Hu Tao said, “I plan to give Mr. Zhang the utmost care.”
You blinked. “It‘s his father who died, Director.”
“Oh, him, too.”
You sighed. It was going to be a very long day.
After preparing the necessary things for meeting the client, the three of you set off into Liyue Harbor. It was a cool autumn day, and you tugged your overcoat around you more tightly as you walked, the documents Zhongli had handed you before leaving clutched against your chest.
The cobble streets were littered with brilliantly colored leaves, painting the pathway with crushed orange, vermillion and butter yellow hues. The fallen leaves crunched merrily beneath the soles of your shoes, mixing musically with the chatter of people passing by and the rousing twang of a zither played by a street musician. The air smelled like freshly grilled tiger fish and the seasonal autumn scent of crisp, clean air and leaves damp with that morning’s drizzle. Walking through Liyue Harbor any day was a treat, but days like this were your favorite.
You chatted aimlessly with Hu Tao as you made your way into the business district, the mouth watering scents that drifted out of the Wanmin Restaurant rousing your appetite, and you made a note to stop by there after work to get a meal. Xiangling was good company, and you enjoyed pretty much anything she cooked. Even her strangest creations ended up tasting incredible.
Your mind went into overdrive when Zhongli launched into a long-winded speech about the various uses of Noctilucous Jade spurred on by Hu Tao mentioning that she owned a piece of jewelry with such a jade setting. You listened to Zhongli talk with dreamy eyes, drinking in the information he gave you. He knew so much about everything, it was incredible to you. You could ask him anything about Liyue Harbor and he’d know enough about any topic related that he could write several volumes with all he knew.
You yourself were also quite knowledgeable. You’d been a knowledge hungry person ever since you were small, and you sped through any book you got your hands on, fact and fiction alike. Conversations like this were your favorite. You were in your element with Zhongli. It was part of why you liked him so much.
“Hate to break up the talk about rocks,” Hu Tao said, her eyes swimming with mirth, “but we’re here.”
You looked to where she was gesturing, taking in the relatively unimpressive townhouse that stood before you. It was painted with muted colors and wood tones, and it looked like it needed a little TLC. Various wildflowers grew from the eves, adding a little more life to the droll front, even if it was small. Cracked pots and a few crates were stacked under the front window, a tightly drawn linen curtain blocking your view of the house’s interior.
Hu Tao cleared her throat, straightening her hat as she stepped forward, raising her fist to knock on the door. It swung open as she was still knocking, causing her to stumble back in mild surprise, and you reached out a hand to steady her. A man emerged from behind the door. He was young, cleaner, and more well kept than the house was, making you suspect that this had been the deceased’s home.
“Ah!” Hu Tao exclaimed, stepping forward, “you must be the bereaved. I am the director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, Hu Tao, and these are my associates, Mr. Zhongli and Miss—”
“I know who you are,” the man said, and Hu Tao exchanged a look with you.
Upon closer inspection, you noticed that the man’s clothing was made of expensive material, more specifically of patterned silks, complete with intricate brocade patterning at the high collar of his changshan. He was more than likely a merchant, and rather well off one, at that. This was not going to be a fun job, and from the way Zhongli’s posture tensed, you could tell that he was thinking the same things you were.
You stepped inside the house, taking in your surroundings. The interior was just as shabby as the exterior, complete with a threadbare sofa and worn wooden furniture. It looked like the place hadn’t been well taken care of for a while. It made you a little bit sad. On one of the sofas sat a woman, as refined and polished as the man at the door, dressed in a pretty silk cheongsam, her hair gathered in a complicated updo behind her head.
She looked up when you entered, but her expression remained disinterested. Her decorated appearance stuck out in the faded room so starkly it was almost comical.
“You must be Mr. Zhang,” Zhongli said, extending his hand for Zhang to shake, which he did after a second of hesitation.
“Yes,” Zhang said, “and this is my sister, Daiyu.”
Zhongli glanced over at the woman, Daiyu. “My deepest condolences for the loss of your father. Now, shall we talk business?”
Zhang sat beside his sister, and Zhongli took the couch opposite them, and you were content with standing and letting him work until Hu Tao was not-so-subtly shoving you in the direction of the couch and forcing you into the spot beside Zhongli.
Everyone was looking at her. Subtly was clearly not her strong suit.
“Uh,” you said, shifting in your seat, “Director, what was that for?”
Hu Tao made a clicking sound with her mouth. “You said you were tired from the walk over, right? I was just making sure you get your rest. It isn’t time for you to become a client just yet.”
You stared at her some more. “Uh. Yeah, sure.”
Zhongli cleared his throat. “Anyway, with… that out of the way, what would you prefer to discuss first?”
The rest of the discussion went off without a hitch, and you knew Hu Tao wouldn’t ever interfere with this process, she took funeral preparations incredibly seriously. You diligently jotted down Zhang’s decisions, annoyingly having to scratch out the floral arrangement choice several times as Daiyu and Zhang argued over which would be best.
“Ah,” you said, “if I may offer my input.”
Zhongli nodded. “Yes, by all means.”
You twisted your pen between your fingers. “With all due respect, I think silk flowers would be the best choice. Glaze lilies are already being used for the incense, and if there were arrangements of them as well, the scent would be overpowering. Silk flowers, while still fragrant, are more subtle in their aroma, making them more fitting for this kind of thing.”
Zhongli smiled. “Yes, she is quite correct. I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
Zhang looked from you to Zhongli and back again. “Uh. Okay, silk flowers it is.”
For the rest of the conversation, Zhongli would occasionally ask for your opinion on something, and he seemed pleased with each of your answers, making you beam with pride every time. Hu Tao looked like she was about to explode with how wide she was grinning, and you elbowed her hard in the ribs to get her to cut it out. You sent her a sharp glare, and she got the message, adopting an innocent expression that didn’t fool you in the slightest.
The morning dragged on into afternoon, and you felt your stomach grumble. You’d need to eat soon, but for now, you pushed down your physical needs for the sake of professionalism.
After the service was arranged, Hu Tao took over, discussing cremation, embalming, and other preparations that were performed on dead bodies before funerals, and you continued writing down the important points, but your mind was elsewhere.
You’d concluded a few things thus far. One of them was that Hu Tao was the worst wingwoman in Liyue. The other was that Zhongli just didn’t seem to be interested in you. Sure, he was friendly with you, and you were positive that the two of you were mutual in terms of considering the other a friend. But he saw you as a coworker, now his assistant, and nothing beyond professional and friendly boundaries.
After the meeting concluded and hands were shaken, you left with Hu Tao and Zhongli, passing the pad of paper you’d been writing on to the director, which she took and tucked into her coat. You felt exhausted and it wasn’t even three in the afternoon yet.
“I thought that went well,” Hu Tao said, “the body should be in by later today, so I’ll get to work on the procedures.”
Zhongli made a sound of assent. “Yes, I shall get the orders for the flowers and other arrangements sent to the necessary places.”
You blinked. “I’ll help Zhongli.”
No duh, you’re his assistant.
You tried to calm your racing mind as you walked, going over the meeting and the important bits in your head as you did so. You stopped to get some grilled tiger fish, Hu Tao’s treat, which you scarfed down in record time. You supposed you’d underestimated how hungry you’d been.
Hu Tao slid over to walk closer to you as you neared the small courtyard in front of the funeral parlor, making you take a few steps to the side, colliding with Zhongli in the process. He caught you by the shoulder to stop you from toppling over, his eyes unreadable as he studied Hu Tao’s face.
“You’re acting… stranger than usual today, Director.”
Hu Tao canted her head, shrugging her narrow shoulders as she opened the front doors, gesturing for you and Zhongli to follow her inside.
“Nah, I’m usually like this,” she said, “so, what do you think of (Y/N)?”
You rounded on her once the doors were closed behind you. “Hu Tao, I swear—”
Forget the worst in Liyue, Hu Tao was the worst wingwoman in all of Teyvat.
Zhongli looked taken aback by Hu Tao’s sudden question, blinking. “What do I think of her?”
Hu Tao ignored your glare. “Mhm. Honestly.”
“Well,” Zhongli started, “I think she is a capable, reliable person. She is well read and worldly, and she possesses tenacity that is quite admirable. Having her work with me will help me achieve things with efficiency I could not reach on my own. Why are you asking me this?”
You could feel your cheeks burning, and Hu Tao was grinning again.
“Oh, you know, I wanna assign her to someone who likes her.”
Zhongli paused for a moment, considering this. “I suppose that makes sense, I am quite fond of her.”
You coughed, drawing the attention of your companions, drawing said attention to your violently sunsettia-red face.
“Uh,” you said, “yeah, feeling’s mutual.”
Hu Tao sent you a look that very clearly called you ‘lame’ in glowing letters, but you ignored her for the umpteenth time that day, trying to focus on calming your raging blush.
“(Y/N), are you ill? Your face is very red. Do you have a fever?” Zhongli asked, genuine concern on his face, and Hu Tao burst into laughter. Both you and Zhongli stared at her.
“She’s blushing,” she said, bracing her hands on her knees as she doubled over, “Archons above, you’re dense.”
Zhongli blinked, the bewildered that had taken over his face more than a little endearing. “I’ve said something to make her blush?”
Hu Tao looked at him in disbelief. “You’re serious? Like, actually serious? You just gave her all sorts of complements.”
Zhongli swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I was unaware that I said things that counted as complements. They were mere observations.”
You let out a short, forced laugh. “Oh, yeah, I totally look at myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself I’ve got ‘tenacity that is quite admirable.’”
Hu Tao regarded you. “You do?”
You narrowed your eyes at her. “I was being sarcastic.”
“Right, right, I was kidding, I knew that.”
She didn’t know that.
“Well, you are an incredible young woman, (Y/N), with an abundance in… tenacity.”
“Oh, Archons,” Hu Tao said, “just go get dinner together. This is painful.”
Zhongli blinked. “Dinner? What for? Why are you in pain?”
Hu Tao put her hands over her face, an exasperated groan mingling with her tired sigh. “A date. Take her on a date. I know you like her. Whenever we get lunch or something it’s (Y/N) this, and (Y/N) that, always talking about how she’s read such interesting books or likes such interesting tea, and you never ever shut up.”
Zhongli’s eyes had gone wider than you’d ever seen them go, and you could feel the blush you’d only just calmed beginning to come back in full force.
You said something incredibly intelligent like; “er— huh?”
Zhongli cleared his throat, and you didn’t know if it was the light, but it almost looked like his cheeks had taken a darker tint. “Yes, well, I— I enjoy her company.”
“Oh, blah, blah, blah, I enjoy the company of the spirit in my house,” Hu Tao exclaimed, deepening her voice for the next part, “but I don’t want to take her on ‘a moonlit walk so she can see the stars reflected on the waters of the harbor.’ That is a direct quote, by the way, (Y/N), he said that to me just the other day.”
“Director, I did not phrase it like that,” Zhongli protested, rather weakly.
You felt like you were going to pass out, and Zhongli was definitely blushing now, though he was hiding his face in his hands. Hu Tao had what could only be described as a shit-eating grin on her face.
“I tried to make this easy for you,” Hu Tao said, “but you’re so dense, Rex Lapis help you, that I had to do something.”
“Wait,” you said, “back up. All this— you were playing matchmaker?”
Hu Tao nodded. “Yes, I thought I made that clear earlier.”
You sighed. “You did, but I didn’t think you were also being his wingwoman.”
“To be frank,” Zhongli said, “I was not aware she was being, er— my wingwoman.”
“Yeah, well,” you sighed, “she’s not at all subtle.”
Zhongli turned to you. “However, what she says does imply that you harbor feelings for me.”
You swallowed your pride. “Yes. I’ve had them for a while now, I—”
“Okay,” Zhongli said, “let’s have dinner tonight.”
“And I— Wait what?” You felt the gears in your head stall for a moment or two.
Zhongli smiled. “Did I not speak loudly enough? I wish to take you to a meal. And maybe, if you’re up to it, that stroll by the harbor at night. The stars reflected on the water really are quite remarkable.”
Hu Tao looked very pleased with herself. “Not so bad a matchmaker after all, am I?”
You ignored her, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Yeah,” you said, a grin appearing on your face, “yeah, I’d like that.”
Hu Tao applauded. “Ming owes me 2,000 Mora.”
And with that, she turn on her heel, humming a tune, and she disappeared into her office. You and Zhongli stood facing each other for a few more seconds before you let out an awkward chuckle.
“Well,” you said, “I’ll get you some tea. And is it okay if I run home to change before we go out?”
Zhongli nodded. “If you deem it necessary, of course it’s alright. Though you do look perfectly lovely in what you are wearing at present.”
Your cheeks warmed again. Zhongli always had such a way with words, you’d be a blushing mess by the end of the date. But really, you were fine with that.
Before you went to go make tea, you leaned up on your tiptoes to press a chaste kiss to Zhongli’s cheek, catching him off guard, and before he could react, you scurried off, grinning like a schoolgirl with a crush.
Ok question, I’m a little confused about the fact that Ed thinks the tunnels are being used to get rid of bacteria. Is there a scientific process to it that I’m not understanding? How does it work?
Okay so the answer to this is a little complicated so… I’ll try to explain it best as I can, but please remember I’m not super versed in agriculture. If I fucked something up.. whoops. I tried, but this is fanfic and alchemy is real. I think bending this is an acceptable crime...?
You’re also free to take the explanation at face value and just be like “yeah sounds legit” but there is some genuine reasoning.
TL;DR: There is scientific reasoning, but its flawed and based in some guesswork. I tried. This stuff is complicated. Don’t come for me please.
So the type of bacteria that tends to come about from tar is also heavily linked to peat. Peat, which is a type of soil made of organic stuff and dead vegetation. It’s also the type of soil that typically comes from wetlands and bogs so, fun detail, the lie about the family dying in a bog wasn’t arbitrary.
Anyways, the bacteria has a lot of wild ass properties because of the decaying vegetation environment and lack of oxygen, like enzymes that munqhity crunchy on petroleum, which is kinda besides the point but just cool. One thing that exists in tar is polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon (PAHs) that degrades soil. It’s naturally occurring but in large quantities is pollutive.
So there’s this thing that some people will do to farmland when it gets messed up is flood it. Groundwater levels get depleted over time and the existence of bitumen with PAHs isn’t great. It’s like several factors just sucking out the Good Kush at once. (Again, I might be wrong on this cause I’m no professional but this was the information I found back when I was researching)
I admittedly hand waved the explanation from Ed because I didn’t want to have to give a verbal exposition dump about all this. So the theory (not saying if this is true or not) is: they flooded the land, used the aqueducts as a drain to get rid of all the Bad stuff, then used the tunnels properly for distributing water.
I was also trying to keep in mind the time period because a lot of the details weren’t known then, but they did have ideas. Such as the flooding/ draining.
Nope, you’re the first (and only) ask I have for this meme! So here we go! [warning for very unpopular opinions below]
my all-time ultimate fave character: Alexander Manes. Hands down. I’d kill for him.
a character I didn’t used to like but now do: Kyle Valenti. I thought he was going to be a bastard and he surprised me for good.
a character I used to like but now don’t: Noah Bracken. Do I even have to explain why?
a character I’m indifferent about: That should be Liz Ortecho. She doesn’t really click with me? I don’t know, I should feel related somehow but I just can’t.
a character who deserved better: torn between Maria and Jenna, for obvious reasons. I still hope for s2 to fix their messes.
a ship I’ve never been able to get into: Echo (kill me now, but Max is just… I dunno, I don’t get him)
a ship I’ve never been able to get over: Malex. Gimme all the Malex please!
a cute, low-key ship: Kyle/Jenna, but that’s still to be canon
an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: Max/Jenna, but I’m not sure it is unpopular. I feel like Jenna could have been good for him, but hey I could be biased. I love her so much.
a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: Michael/Maria, because of the way the writers used her character as a plot device. Love triangles are only cool when they make sense!
my favourite storyline/moment: That should be the scene at Sanders’ by the end of episode 9, when Alex goes to talk to Michael. In the English version he says I loved you (past tense), in the Spanish version he says I love you (present tense). Also, everything regarding Mara and Caulfield and that beautiful but you are mine.
a storyline that never should have been written: Noah being the bad guy. It felt so obvious in the end, and it made me cringe because duh, a poc being the serial killer? As if you couldn’t have done better, you writers.
my first thoughts on the show: it seems nice and catchy and woah that’s a gay vibe I’m sensing, it is, it is, that’s what I call a reunion kiss!
my thoughts now: I can’t wait for season 2 but I have little hope in it being everything I need it to be. I feel like we’ll have to wait at least another season for the writers to right everything they got wrong by the finale
