i genuinely hate my source. like i actually despise what i remember.
because i see all of these other dc fictives or fictionkins, batfam sourced ppl with happy memories. who actually miss their version of me. who were loving and loved in return and i just.
what do you mean most dicks miss me?? what do you mean there are bruce’s that love their kids?? wdym there’s damian’s who remember us being brothers.
i want to love them. i want to interact and reach out because i miss them. but, i can’t see a dick or damian blog without my heart stopping. i can’t see a bruce interacting with other family members and caring about them without thinking liar liar liar liar.
dick threatened to put me into arkham after replacing me with damian & ignoring me for months.
jason almost killed me in the tower and i barely survived, he never stopped calling me pretender.
damian almost succeeded at murdering me multiple times, and i had to catch myself after he cut my line - he’d leave bruises and always make me feel unwelcome.
BRUCE WOULD THINK I WAS JASON AND THATS THE ONLY WAY I GOT LOVE FROM HIM FUCKING EVER. and when he didn’t think i was jason? it was a business and professional relationship even though i wanted him to be my dad more than anything. i remember him throwing me down onto the mats in the cave until my back was black and blue and i could barely see because i was crying so much.
i remember being a tool for them. not a son or a brother. even though i loved them more than anything in the world, i was nothing.
it’s not fair that when someone i used to love interacts with my blog i feel a cold sweat and a need to run. it’s not fair. i’m so tired.
to any batfam fictives or fictionkins who see this:
i’m sorry. i want to interact with and care for you but i don’t know how. i can’t imagine myself being loveable, wanted, or - anything like that.
