Heyy omg it’s officially been a year since I started this account, writing fanfiction and of course this fic. Thank you to everyone who’s stuck around there’s a couple usernames I still recognize in the notes on my Jason Todd stuff. He seems to be the character I always go back to. Once again if you liked the vibe of Robert Pattinson’s Batman and liked the titans show but wish they handled Jason’s storyline differently you’ll probably enjoy this fic. If you’ve never read this before you should def check out my masterlist. It’s linked at the end of all of my fics and pinned on my page. Thank you for reading I hope you enjoy this part!
Warnings: talking about death, suicide, depression, torture (it’s not graphic I hate gore it’s just sad), talking about intimacy (not graphic), struggling with eating, topics of grief, violence, panic attacks, PTSD
Part Twenty: Back to Gotham
“You wish you felt better,”
“But in my eyes, you can do no wrong”
For three days you basically were just paralyzed in grief. It was odd mourning someone who isn’t dead but once was. This was different from when he died, in that case he was taken from you, this time he left because he wanted to. You felt like it was your fault, you told yourself you should’ve been more patient, more understanding, less scared, just better. If you had been enough maybe Jason wouldn’t have left you, you thought. You couldn’t call anyone. Your family couldn’t help, you had no desire to burden Thea, you didn’t dare admit defeat to Dick or Bruce. Gar, Kori and Rachel didn’t deserve to be pulled into this. Barbra would tell Dick. Even Alfred couldn’t be trusted to not tell Dick or Bruce. You were about to give up when you remembered you know someone else who doesn’t exactly run in that crowd, Selina Kyle, Catwoman. Sure her and Bruce had some weird romance going on but you were sure she wouldn’t go on gossiping to him about your and Jason’s doomed relationship. You called her.
“Selina?” You murmur on the phone.
“Y/N? Why are you calling are you alright?” She asks.
“I don’t know who else to call. I have nobody to talk to,” you say.
“What’s going on Y/N?” She says gently.
“Jason…he left me,” you say as you start crying. “I pushed him away.”
“I heard the pit brought him back,” she says. “Listen where are you?”
“Like two hours out from Gotham,” you say.
“You’re welcome to come stay with me,” she says.
“I don’t want to be a burden. I just need somewhere to hide out and figure out what the hell I’m gonna do,” you say.
“When’s the last time you talked to Bruce or Dick or anyone?” She asks.
“Four months, when me and Jason left,” you say.
“So I take it you don’t want them to know you’ll be back in Gotham?” She asks.
“That’s ideal yeah,” you say.
“I’ll send you directions to get into Gotham unnoticed,” she says.
“Thank you Selina,” you say beyond thankful. You make a plan to leave as soon as the sun goes down. You pack up everything you need into a backpack. You look everywhere for Jason’s leather jacket only to discover he must’ve taken it with him. You loved that damn jacket, it smelled like him and when you wore it, it was like he was with you. You refused to travel in the dark without something of Jason’s making you feel safe. After all this time you were still traumatized of the dark by Poison Ivy, and after all that had happened and been said, Jason was still your safe space. You found one of his hoodies and put that on along with long tight black jeans. The hoodie was Silversun Pickups merch, you figured it was neutral enough to go unnoticed. As you went through the apartment making sure you had everything you approached Jason’s bedside drawer. You never went in it before. You opened it up and found some letters, they were all from Alfred. They were all Alfred asking how he was, how you were, where you two were, general wise advice. It seemed like Jason never answered. You did find a letter Jason wrote to him but never sent.
I haven’t felt alive since I died. I feel like a ghost just wondering around this foolish apartment. I know Y/N isn’t happy here, I’d be concerned if she was. All she does is worry and all I do is go out and drink and get in fights. She hassles me about whose blood is all over me, I never tell her it’s my own. When I fight I let them beat the shit out of me, all these guys, I could easily kill them, but I want to feel the pain, it reminds me technically I am alive. I hate Bruce and I resent Dick. I can’t tell her that, I can’t tell her because the version of me she fell in love with loved Bruce and Dick. I’m a shell of the man I used to be. I can see the days weeks and months wearing her down. She hates this place, this town, this apartment, this version of me, what our relationship has become. I can see the fear in her eyes when I come home. Deep down she is afraid of the walking zombie in her home. I know she’s tough and strong but she is also so gentle and delicate. I never go near her unless she comes to me first. Alfred I can’t speak around her, I’m ashamed of the scars on my skin, the pit made me stronger, taller, and to be honest I understand her fear; I am afraid of me too. I wish she’d stop loving me and go find something better. I’ll never stop loving her but I don’t want to keep her from the life she deserves. Alfred I don’t know what to do. When I died I didn’t find anything. Maybe I wasn’t dead long enough or I’m just a killer who can’t make it into heaven but I saw no afterlife no happy ending. My happy ending was Y/N and any hope of ever being enough for her died with my old self. I hate what I’ve become and I know I can’t ever go back to how things were before my death.
By the time you finished reading it you were sobbing. All you wanted was to hold him in your arms and tell him every self deprecating thought he had about himself was untrue. You also wanted to scream at him for leaving you here. He says he wants you to find your happy ending but he is your happy ending. You shove the letters in your bag and leave your appartment. Jason took the bike and so you had to steal a car. Luckily Jason used to steal cars all the time and had explained once how he did it. You were scared of the dark but you were more scared of rotting away alone in that apartment while Jason was God knows where doing God knows what. Selina’s directions said to take the underground train into Gotham, so that’s what you did. You layed low, you wore a hat and tucked your hair in. You wanted to avoid being caught by anyone who might be looking on cameras. You had no idea if any one of the Bats or titans were looking for you. Honestly you didn’t think they were, it was more of a precaution.
Four hours later soaked in the Gotham rain you were standing on Selina’s doorstep. She welcomes you in like a stray cat seeking sanctuary. You sip warm tea on her dusty old couch wearing shorts and one of Jason’s t shirts.
“Is it selfish of me to be angry at him for changing,” you say quietly. It’s quiet for a minute except for the sound of the pouring rain. “Who am I kidding of course it’s fucking selfish, he’s the one who died and I’M complaining,”
“You’re not selfish Y/N, you lost him and never truly got him back,” Selina says.
“I’m an awful fucking girlfriend, an awful person,” you say almost disgusted at yourself. “He’s been sitting right next to me and I felt like he was still dead.”
“Ignoring him being resurrected for a minute, I’ve dated guys who are closed off, who pick fights, who drink, who storm off, and it’s hell. You’re not selfish or a bad person for knowing how awful things had gotten. If it wasn’t for him dying and coming back and all I’d say get as far away from him as you can, and even taking into account what happened if you left that wouldn’t make you a bad person,” she says.
“No it’s not like that,” you say. “I don’t want to leave him. I want to save him.”
“From what? Bruce? joker? Gotham? Death?” She asks.
“Himself.” I say simply. Selina flips on the news and your eyes go wide. “Shit!” You say.
“What?” Selina asks. You two look at the screen. There’s a blurry photo of a man in a red mask with dark curls and a white streak- Jason. Ten well known mobsters were found dead, literally thrown on the doorstep of GCPD.
“Is that Jason?” She asks.
“So I guess he’s done away with Bruce’s whole no killing rule,” she says.
“He’s going to get himself killed,” you say. “He’s got reasons but Bruce and Dick won’t see it that way, I need to find him before them.” You stand up. “Do you still have my old stuff?” You ask her.
“It’s right where you left it.” She says. You go into Selina’s lavender painted bedroom and find a wooden chest in the corner. Cracking it open it has a pink velvet interior and mirror inside the lid. You grab the black leather suit and begin to strip. You hadn’t worn this thing in years. Before you officially joined the Titans and were still in your era of figuring the bat and robins out you dabbled in their game of masks. You did up all the buckles and slipped on your combat boots. You ducked in your seven pink diamond knives into each pocket on your suit. Diamond was the best choice because it’ll go through anything and it’s untraceable. You step back out to the main area of the apartment; domino mask on.
“I taught you well didn’t I,” Selina says with pride.
“I’m surprised you kept this stuff,” you say.
“I had a feeling you’d need it again someday. Especially once you got all messed up with Robin one and two.”
You grab your bag and say, “I’ll see you around Selina, and thank you again.”
You head over to GCPD. Shoving your body through a vent in Gotham police department really wasn’t your ideal activity. This place has major security and Barbra or should you say Oracle has everything running strict. One wrong move and everyone will know where you are. Luckily you’d been in the building enough times to know your way around, even in the vents. You get to the evidence room and prepare to drop down. That’s when you hear three very familiar voices-Barbra, Bruce, and Dick. You freeze and watch them from the ceiling.
“10 well known crime lords just dropped on our doorstep this morning like the morning fucking paper,” Barbra says.
“Whatever Jason’s up to he sure doesn’t care who sees it,” Dick says.
“He wants the attention. Wants my attention,” Bruce says.
*wrong* you think. *Jason doesn’t want anything to do with Bruce. It’s not attention he’s after it’s respect. He put those bodies there as a warning sign to every criminal in Gotham.*
“Any common denominators between these guys? Other than you know crime,” Dick asks.
“Yes,” Barbra answers. “They all worked for Blackmask.”
“Shit,” Dick says practically reading your mind.
*apparently dying once wasn’t enough for Jason. Messing with Blackmask like that he clearly wants to try it out again.* Dick oh so conveniently reads off the list of names out loud allowing you to snap a picture of the file. He just saved you major time. Barbra leaves the room.
“Dick, if Jason’s here we have to assume Y/N is as well and that she’s apart of this,” Bruce says.
“Y/N’s not a murderer.” Dick says plainly.
“At the very least she’s helping Jason do this. She’s back in Gotham,” Bruce says. “You really haven’t heard from her in four months?”
“I haven’t Bruce,” he says.
“None of your titans either?”
“No one’s heard a thing.”
They leave and you also get the hell out of there.
You trust Selina to a certain level. Still not 100 percent. There’s an abandoned dance studio around crime alley, that would be your new hideout. You pin up photos of each of the crimelords; really taking this whole vigilante thing to heart. What the hell are you up to Jason?
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