#rektrospective

[otherillness]

I'm grateful that I know Spearmint not from Tom Hansen's quote in (500) days of Summer. No, I don't hate the movie. It's more that I don't remember that the dialogue exists at all.

Fortunately, to Spasial, this song is really familiar. Maybe Dos or Ofri played it several times. But it really stuck in my mind after listening to Sir Nhanha's selection. It feels like enlightenment to me.

I don't know if it's an ironic song for starting a new decade, but I like this song as a cute reminder of those harrowing past and help me to pursuit a better future.

[otherillness]

2019: Year of Latency

It just a habit for me in every 31st of December to (forcefully) write about things that happens in one year before and summarize it. At the beginning, I intend to create arc-based writing which would presents as several writings. Yet, here I am. Still coping with this lazy-ass (bad) habit.

Summarizing this year in one word, for me, the suitable one is latency.

Reading what I wrote on last December and tried to compare, I did some improvements in my life this year. And yet, I feel more disappointing to myself than last December. I can’t blame the situation out there, where people are more and more pursuing their dream and life, give some hiccups in my mind that results for unreasonable anxiety. I also haven’t mention some goodbyes that unexpectedly, give bigger impact to my so-called childish mindset. In one time, I feel loneliness more than I had before but maybe it’s part of life, that I must defeat, that I must conquer.

Thankfully, I still can found happiness in unique forms. I still have some friends that regularly I met. I still can found catchy and enjoyable tunes. My body, that I thought weakened every year, still can maintain my unhealthy lifestyle. And many more.

2019, arguably, the hardest year in this decade for me. So many big rejections, so many farewells but I will still cherish this year. Just like in connection terminology, I must troubleshoot those latency I feel to pursue a better year.

I hope when I meet this date, 366 days from now, I can write more positives experiences.

[otherillness]

twokayeighteen

(Before I write this. I was thought that I want to share it in Indonesian. But later I remember the reason to make this tumblr for “English-written only,” Damn.)

Well, 2018 is just another his and byes as usual.

That’s it.

Jokes aside.

I found 2018 is more like shit holes rather than some king thrones. So many miscalculations, failed plans, unstable financial, unemployment and many more. Yes, my ego still play bigger role in this year and I think to beat this fucker next year. “No more rooms for you. Now it’s my time to shine.” I must find a job, a stable one, as soon as possible. I need to start saving and stuffs. Time always ticking, son.

Well, even thought like shit holes, I feel 2018 still play his magical charms. It’s always good to meet new persons, visit various place (although it’s still in the same city), experience new activities and so on. Thank you for all of them that exist in this time.

Sometimes, when I feeling down, I will remember this year and said, “Hey, I can surpass those times that I felt so shit holes. So yeah, I can surpass you too,” and I hope we can find more meaningful things in 2019.

That’s it.

Really.

Fun fact in this year are I can be a better console gamer, often listen to NTS and actively tweeting rather than use Instagram. Also, thank you for coming back, tumblr.

[otherillness]

Every 15 minutes between 23.58 to 00.13 at NYE is when me, consciously wake up and my mind stirring. I feel like "Okay, bye last year. Hello this year. You'll still same for me maybe," that haunt me and then I think after I sleep it will be better yet it still the same.

Whenever I heard the fireworks in the distant, I feel more lonely yet solitude came at the same time. I grow up without ever launch a fireworks at NYE (actually my parents hate when I play firecracker so yeah) and most of time I spend wake up in the bed, whether it's in my room or in the hotel. I never interested to walk in the city by midnight or strolling the city with motorbike.

After the 15 minutes, the skies will turn hazy just like now but still it depends with the density of people in where you are stay right now. The fireworks still the same, fly to sky and pop at several heights. Nothing special.

Miraculously, I like this 15 minutes as time for productive writings. The wild thoughts that came beg to be compress yet I feel more and more tired from time to time. People like to spend it with someone they loved or with foods they can share or booze they can drink till drunk and here right now I like to spend it with pressing the touch screen and hope that still can do this (maybe) routinity again next year.

Yet I think I want to be more.

Yet again I don't put too much please for this year.

[otherillness]

Monthly Reviews that I Wrote at 31/12

January:

Spending my time and mood to pursue the final report yet I still failed to do it. A dead-liner indeed.

February:

Passed my final year at uni with mediocre score by wore father's oversized shoes. I didn't enjoy wear formal suit. Gave the revision paper near the deadline tho plus I got scolded by the juror.

March:

Meeting.

April:

Graduated.

Watch her.

Had a convo.

Get drunk by Orang Tua.

May:

Getting older is an ordinary things.

June:

I think I forgot what special with this month. Lebaran? Yeah. Others? I don't think so.

July:

Works.

August:

This country getting older yet not wiser. Bought a pack of Cola consist of 12 bottles. An encounter of modern social connection so she said.

September:

Not "ceria" at all, or maybe?

October:

Made some totes, watch Fazerdaze (tbh she's so lovely) and say goodbyes and surprises.

November:

Had my first checkpoint in the agreement and till now still wondering how to survive the rest. Got brain washed and wasted.

December:

Roller-coaster moods and I tend to be anti-social person when actually I could be a social one. Sometimes I feel tire yet faking like it is still the better option. Start to think that Solo is a good city to live because Bandung sucks with it traffic.

2017 in a nutshell is like another year with lots of hi and bye.

[otherillness]

Hey.

This city told me that you were here last night.

With the fireworks and boozes to wrap up the 16′s.

So I said to it,

‘Well. God likes to test us.”

God likes to make us understand,

The important of silence.

The important of lonely.

The important of us.

It just nod. The city understand.

It pat my shoulder and whisper,

“Happy New Year. She asked me to deliver it to you.”

We’re in love.

In the silence.