How Hazbin Hotel Helped Me Cope w/ Religious Scrupulosity...Somehow!
*Main Parts In Blue if you want to skip the yap session!
There are a lot of things you could criticise about Hazbin Hotel, but honestly, with the overall theming of the show, I find myself being comforted by its main message, which is:
"Anyone can be redeemed."
For a very long time, I've sort of struggled with religion. I often felt ashamed, angry, and felt guilt that seemed to eat at my stomach. If I sinned, I would cry and beg God for forgiveness. It was a never-ending cycle as I didn't want to go to hell and be punished for eternity.
A very big moment for me was when my uncle gave me a drink and I, of course, drank it like any kid would, until I started inspecting the can and found...it had 0.01% alcohol!! Now, at first, I didn't really care as I thought it was a small amount, till I began thinking, "Wait, why would they put that label there if it's actually a small amount? What if it isn't a small amount?" And I began to spiral, leading to me asking my aunt if it was a sin to drink this amount. She said, "Yes."
I broke down immediately as I excused myself to the bathroom and cried messy tears while asking God to forgive me, wondering if I could even do ANYTHING right.
Now, how does this correlate to Hazbin Hotel?
Well, my first interaction with Hazbin Hotel was before the show had even begun production. I was looking at Vaggie's Wikipedia page (before she was retconned to become an Exorcist, lmao), and this led me down a rabbit hole, where I just read the Wikipedia entries (as I sort of have this weird thing where I'd rather just read about the characters rather than actually interact with the media) and ran into Angel Dust. Andddd that was how I learnt that Angel Dust is also a drug! I didn't really go beyond that point as the concept was too much for my brain.
Now, a few years later, I watch the show, and I feel this intense sense of guilt. "Is what I'm consuming technically blasphamous? Am I committing a sin?" And rather than googling it and sending myself down another spiral where I'd be torn between Redditors saying "No." and others saying "Yes." I simply pushed down the feeling and continued watching the show.
I will never regret this.
I bawled my eyes out when I heard the song "It Starts With Sorry" as I heavily related to Sir Pentious in this regard:
Being Christian often means hearing the people around you say "Yeah buddy, you ain't seeing these pearly gates, you're going to hell" x 1000 by people who you know aren't even that good of a person. By Pastors who present themselves as perfect, to the point where you just keep questioning your OWN character. "Why do I keep sinning? Is something wrong with me? Am I just a bad Christian?"
When confronted with these feelings, Christians, especially if you're an adult talking to a child who struggles with those feelings, just tell them to "Pray to God for forgiveness." They never really tackle the actual feelings a child may have about things like shame/guilt. They never tackle ANY feelings a child may have. In fact, when I attempted, my mother told me, "You know you could go to hell for that, right?" and that was it, that was all she ever said (aside from a barrage of insults)
This began to build into a sense of resentment, as I found myself becoming more and more disillusioned by the logic of Christians. I never really hated the Bible, just the Christians around me. As I began to question, "Why do adults do whatever they want while I have to feel this nerve-wracking guilt for lying?" "It's not fair, why do good people who aren't Christian go to hell?" Things like that, which are perfectly represented in "You Didn't Know"
Now Instead of feeling constant guilt I just question the people that TELL me to feel guilty. As the Bible once said:
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. -Romans 3:23
It brings me a lot of comfort despite how grim it sounds because it's sort of telling me the Bible doesn't expect me to be perfect, and that I don't have to feel the sense of dread and doom that I'm going to hell all the time. Obviously I still have morals, but I feel so much better when I don't have to constantly beat myself up about what I did wrong.
Hazbin Hotel is kinda like a struggle meal, people around me tell me it looks disgusting and judge me for liking it, but rather than being seen as a struggle meal or slop, I see it as comfort food. Something that kinda pulled me out of a dark place, and I like to think I'm in a better light, even if I do occasionally feel a bit nervous and go through a lot of mental hoops to justify when I say 'god' instead of 'God'.
So a friend told me about that term lately: religious scrupulosity.
Usually that involves... actually being religious. You get obsessed with the idea of being sinful, of needing to do the rituals right, follow the scriptures of your religion right.
I come from a fairly religious area, went to church for most of my life, so despite not being religious, it’s always stuck with me in a weird way.
I jokingly call myself either an atheist or a fire and brimstone old style preacher.
Usually, when I’m thinking clearly, I’m not religious, but when I do something wrong, my brain becomes obsessed with sin. I become convinced I’m being punished. I start thinking obsessively about how I need to be cleansed, usually involving blood and fire. I start repeating things from bible stories to myself, thinking obsessively about verses and characters and themes. I can barely be in a room where people are talking about religion without shutting down.
So... yeah. It’s nice to know this is a fairly common kind of crazy with a name.
