Well this is more like a storytime that brings up different points in my life and also has some wild-ass dreams.
And for all these experiences, please note that I was NOT aware of the trans community, which is kinda important to me, as I believe that while external influence can play a role in gender/sexuality, how you feel is how you feel. You may or may not know why you're this way, but still, it's an internal experience. Honestly, I don't think anyone ever wishes to be queer; you just feel that way, and sometimes you can't put it into words, and honestly, that's still valid. At least to me :)
1. When I was younger, I was very much into the genre called 'gender-bender,' particularly the 'hiding you're a girl in an all-boys school' trope. I think my first exposure to this was through a Gacha Life video lol. I read a bunch of these stories when I got the chance to, and I couldn't help but desire to be in those scenarios. I loved the idea of pretending to be a guy or/and people trying to figure out your gender only for your true identity to be revealed and for them to be flabbergasted or smth.
And it would always end in a sweet "I'd love you no matter who you are." which kinda.. wouldn't really be a reality for me, as I grew up in a bit of a conservative home, which brings me to my next story!
2. When I was younger, I had a dream. I was an Indian singer filming a music video (this was after I read a book about something like that, okay), and I was dancing with rats (yes, it's a Geronimo book), and as weird as that dream was, the weirdest thing of them all, was that I was a GUY. And when I woke up, I was happy. Like weirdly happy, I felt free. Of course, when I told my mom this, she was like "Ew no, you're a girl, and you'll always be a girl, you can't change your gender." Which of course, I didn't really care as I kinda just agreed to it, but I couldn't really let go of these feelings
3. Another dream I had... was that I was in the bathroom, right (stay with me) and obviously I want to pee. I then attempt to use the bathroom, but realised I had a D!CK. I was a bit shocked at first, then realised how convenient it was, and I woke up not really hating it, which idk, was weird, nothing really prompted that sort of dream.
4. I liked trying to be androgynous. For a VERY VERY long time. I have always wanted to be androgynous. Ever since I learnt of that term! This was because I was split between wanting to be a feminine girl or a masculine one. Obviously, you could be both. And I eventually learnt I could :D So I learnt to be flexible with my voice and grew a love for voice acting. Which brings me on to my next point.
5. I loved it when people misgendered me, a lot. At first it was fun to mess around. I would never tell people my gender, and then when people said 'he' or smth. I couldn't help but grin. It was my favourite, I naturally have a bit of a deeper voice as a girl which leads to even more comments on my gender.
Andd uhh, now that I'm older I realised that those are not really something that a lot of people go through, and that's okay :D I'm still not really sure if I want to put a label with my gender and I find myself realising that some parts of why I wanted to be a boy in the first place was due to the restraints of being a woman in a conservative household. But as I've shown, my situation may have played a role in my desire to be masculine, but it wasn't the only reason :)
I still enjoy wearing dresses and being 'feminine' but I still like screwing with people and watching their shocked faces when I speak or act a certain way. I like me for who I am, I dont really have a specific label for it that 'feels' right. But I still think these experiences are what made me realise, I don't really fit the definition of cis.
I'm glad that someone out there, even if a small percentage, will kinda relate to my experiences :)
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