As the first night of this grueling Christmas shift comes to an end, I find that I am thankful. My bones are wary and the smell of cedar wood and spices fill my sense of smell as I step in through the door of my home. My mother welcomes me, bringing me a change of clothes that she had warmed in the dryer for me, my two canine companions, Diesel and Buddy, rush to me with wagging tails and small hops of excitement.
The sight of the presents under the tree fills my heart with both joy and ache this year, but also a sense of clarity.
In these times when we struggle, there is always someone who has it worse than we do. I think about my losses, I mourn for the ones who are no longer here, but then I remember the people I have helped on the streets recently. I worry for those with nowhere to go and pray for them instead of myself.
This morning I remember my dearest friend @sobeautifullyobsessed who just recently found herself homeless and struggling to figure out where she would go and I pray for her safety and for her to have a warm place to stay and rest for these weary days. I am thankful to all of those who have shown her the generosity she has been given in her time of need.
I think about @fanartka who lives in the Ukraine, who just recently celebrated a birthday in a country devastated by war because the human species is obsessed with power and fundamentally insane. I pray for her and Ukraine, even now when it has been helped by many amazing people, such as Benedict Cumberbatch and many others.
I think of my friend @xeiggerott who has recently lost his job and is now struggling to find a way to buy food and pay his bills. I recently gave him advice on how to clear his Chakras and sent him the most money that I could to help him in this hard time. I am thankful to finally be in a position where I can help someone I consider a friend when they're in need.
My mind wanders of course to Tony and how I wish he was still here to spend this holiday with me. To my grandmother and grandfather, who both lost their lives to disease and should still be here to see this beautiful holiday with us. But I am coming to the end of my grief and finding peace with where I am. They are gone, but never leave from my heart and I hope they found peace in whatever awaits beyond.
As I get ready to lay down and rest for another night of work in the cold temperatures, I hope all of you - my darling mutuals and friends - find some sense of peace and happiness in these days. That there is love for you, even if it's from your fictional darlings, that will fill you with warmth. Thank you, @bakerstreethound for reminding us that there's nothing wrong with still loving our chosen, even if they're not in this world with us.
And thank you, @harlekin6 for always checking in on me when I am wary and struggling. You mean so much to me, my dear. Remember that you are very important to me and I am thankful for you making me feel so important always.
For my darling @cirocity whom I love with all of my heart. I truly have found the source of my inner strength with you in my life and I cannot wait for us to finally meet in March. I love you so much, my sweet butterfly.
To my dearest @icytrickster17 who makes me feel like I am worthy of being noticed. The way my heart lightens when she likes my posts and reblogs anything of mine no matter how dumb it is, makes me feel like I truly am accepted, even if we don't talk much.
For my sweet moonflower @strangelockd who I have just developed such a strong relationship with. I thank you for being my Tony, when no one else would give me what I needed. When no one would help me, you extended your hand and pulled me up so that I could begin standing on my own. I am in your debt, truly.
And lastly, for my most complex and awe inspiring mutual, @stewardofningishzida who I have found so compelling that I consider them someone very important to me on more of an intellectual level. I have enjoyed hearing your stories and reading your writings, and I do look forward to speaking with you again very soon. May the eyes that watch leave you at peace and allow you to rest these days.
You all mean more to me than words, but this will have to do. Good night, my loves. - Steven