Pride Reflections (pt 3)
So it's been just under a year since the very first Revoice - since that step of my journey took off with a bit of a tumultuous start. And this year as my family vacation came to a close I passed through St. Louis for the 3rd time within the past year. Only this time my husband came with me. The past 6 months of this year have felt like I am closing a gap between parts of myself. Pulling all the different parts of my worlds together as opposed to keeping them fenced off from one another. For a long time I thought the only way to do that was to just get it over with and come out, but that's just not me. I am a deathly slow processor. And I feel like instead of closing the gap it would have just exposed it and that's not what I want.
Since I decided to stop concentrating on and stressing about "looking the part" I've become more agile and capable in living. Since I had so many parts of myself blocked off true vulnerability was near impossible. So as I show the parts of me that I was afraid to little by little I find myself doing things I never thought would "fit." I came out to my sister last year, my 2 best friends from highschool, and my pastors wife at the beginning of the year. I went to a church formal in a jacket and tie, went on my Valentines date in a mens' dress shirt, and me and my husband went shopping together for the first time for our Easter outfits in the same section of the store.
I feel like coming to terms with my sexuality has freed me to love and be more open and vulnerable with my husband. And oddly enough letting go of gender role expectations has allowed me to be more comfortable doing typically house-wifey stuff. I've learned to love fashion and exercise like many women I know but in my own way. I have found that when I stop doing these things because I am expected to that I find my own way of doing them.
We all change little by little on the inside, but as my changes started making their way outward and becoming more tangible it scared me. But as I began this year God gave me a word to just trust Him. That's when I finally came out to my pastor's wife and she didn't even flinch. After that I haven't looked back. When will I finally come out come out? I don't know - I still have things to figure out. I think it will fall into place.
Coming out is about letting people in, not just exposing myself. Two years ago I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. I wasn't even sure what I would be revealing about myself besides my attractions, and over time I've learned that coming out is about so much more than that. I am waiting for MY TIME in God's timing. We'll figure it out. I've come to the point where I am in no rush, but I am also not 100% dreading it. When the time comes it comes. Life is always a process and a journey.
