back to reality
I’ve just returned from a wonderful relaxing week in Mexico with my boyfriend. It was one of the best weeks of my life and I am so sad to be back home. He is starting night school starting tomorrow, and will still be working full time, and I am still working crazy hours- so things are about to change. Luckily we are getting our own place together hopefully in the coming weeks, so that is something to look forward to. I’ve definitely been struggling since I started this job, and I don’t know what I would do without Christian constantly believing in me, and loving me and making me laugh even when I don’t feel like it. The love and joy I feel when I’m with him is the kind of stuff that makes me believe in God.
Before my vacation, I had a night where I was so physically ill from anxiety that I called in sick. It was hard to force myself to go back into work. When I did, my manager talked to me and asked me how I was doing. She said they have only hired one or two new grads ever, and that I should feel very proud to have gotten this position as a new grad. She said she didn’t originally want to pair me with the preceptor I am with, but after my intended preceptor took a part time line, she didn’t have much of an option. She said she knows my preceptor can be really ‘strict’ and ‘intimidating’. She said if I ever feel overwhelmed to come talk to her. I feel overwhelmed every day. And I feel good knowing that the intimidation I feel isn’t all in my head. Part of me wants to ask my manager if I can switch preceptors, though at the same time, I dont hate my preceptor, I’m just scared of her, and I think I can hold out. It also felt really good to hear that they rarely hire new grads, it makes me feel proud, but at the same time, it makes me feel really under qualified for this position. Which honestly, I am. I don’t understand what they saw in me at my interview, and it is my dream job and I am still so happy and thankful I got this job, but I don’t understand why. There was much more qualified people that applied, I know it. But my manager says I’m doing a good job. I don’t really feel like I am.
Tomorrow I go back to work, I feel partly refreshed from my vacation but also very bummed that its going to be a long time before I get any kind of vacation again. This week my buddy shifts end, and I am to be independent. That is scary, but I think I am looking forward to not having someone breathing down my neck all the time. A lot is changing all at once. At least I have the memory of the past week to hold on to, and someone to come home to who is so so wonderful.