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worth the wait?

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@casscainweek day 1: daughter | friend | sister — throughout Batgirl (2024)

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Okay technically this is two paragraphs but anyway... first lines from the current version of my story? 👀

Everybody thought that old building should be torn down. They grumbled about how it was an ugly waste of space, was likely to come down by itself soon if nothing was done, and was probably housing all kinds of creepy crawlies. Somebody even put up caution tape around it, but the guy who owned it didn't tear it down, try to fix it, or do anything else with it. So there it sat, just waiting for somebody silly enough to venture inside. Of course, I didn't consider how silly we were being at the time, and when Tina tried to back out of it, we reminded her that it was a matter of honor! “Good thing we brought flashlights,” said Claudia once we'd stepped inside. “It's so dark in here!”

Thanks for being the first victim customer volunteer for my Ask the Editor prompt, Vellatra! Apologies for the wait, this weekend has been SUPER BUSY!

First off, I think this is a fun hook for your story! It sets the scene and the tone well. Structurally, it feels pretty sound (unlike the house, ha!) So most of the edits I'll be making are more like suggestions on how I think we could streamline your paragraphs for readers.

Before we get started, I want to clarify that I normally edit using Track Changes on Microsoft Word, and an editor won't normally waste the author's time explaining some of the smaller changes I'm making here. But since this is just a fun exercise and I want to be as helpful as possible, I've included a few numbered notes below the text explaining why I chose to make those changes.

Alright, let's do this!

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Everybody thought that old building should be torn down. They grumbled about how it was an ugly waste of space, was likely to come down by itself soon if nothing was done, and was probably housing all kinds of creepy-crawlies. Somebody had even put up caution tape,(1) but the guy who owned the place wouldn't tear it down or fix it up or anything. (2)

(3)So there it sat, just waiting for somebody silly enough to venture inside. Of course, I didn't consider how silly we were being at the time, and when Tina tried to back out(4), we reminded her that it was a matter of honor!

“Good thing we brought flashlights,” said Claudia once we'd stepped inside. “It's so dark in here!”

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This phrase originally said "Somebody even put up caution tape around it," but what is "it" in this context? Did they put the caution tape around the entire property, just in front of the door, or something else? I would recommend adding a few words here to clarify and to remove one of several "it"s in this section.

There were a lot of "it"s going on in this section: "Somebody even put up caution tape around it, but the guy who owned it didn't tear it down, try to fix it, or do anything else with it. So there it sat..." Using the same word multiple times in a sentence can start to feel a bit repetitive, so I suggested some ways to reduce the number of "it"s as well as improve the word flow at the end of the sentence.

While not necessary, I thought this was a great place to start a new paragraph, as it makes a tiny, transitional pause between describing the house's condition and describing what the main character's group is now doing.

Since there were two more "it"s in this sentence and many people use the phrase "back out" without specifying "of it," this is another easy way to cut out another "it."

I hope that all makes sense! Again, please don't feel pressured to keep all the edits I've suggested, and if you (or anyone else) have any further questions, just ask in the Replies on this post. Thanks again for entrusting a piece of your work to me, and happy writing!

~River/TheRIU

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