seen from China
seen from Italy
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from China
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Germany
seen from South Korea
seen from Israel
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from Ireland
Gestern: Filmriss Nr. 2 Mir fehlen locker 5-6 Stunden. Noch nie einen schlimmeren Kater gehabt. Heute gehts mir etwas besser aber ich hab das gefühl meine Lunge kollabiert bei jedem Atemzug und mein Rücken und mein Knöchel pochen schmerzhaft. Ich trink nie wieder. Und mit dem Kiffen sollte ich auch aufhören.
Healing is a process.
Healing is a process.
December 3 – What was the low point of your year? How are you healing and moving forward? My rock bottom of 2015 occurred early in the year, at the end of January. I was “fired,” if one can be fired from a “volunteer position.” I was booted from my community, barred from entering the campus, served with a bogus denuncio, which is basically a restraining order. I was unemployed. And I am the sole…
View On WordPress
Hitting rock-bottom.
They say when you hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up. But for someone like me- I hit rock bottom every other day and as far as I've learnt: I've mastered the art of going deeper and deeper into this rock bottom every time. One thing I learnt? It's peaceful. It fills you with a sense of 'calm.' Often in life, those who finally get something they want are better than those who've always had it. For example= me being overweight and being told I wasn't allowed to wear certain things resulted in me having a unique sense and appreciation of fashion and dressing well now that I'm finally 'allowed' to wear what I want. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is yes you can hit rock-bottom and yes people lie when they say you 'can only go up from here.' In reality you'll keep going down till YOU decide not to. You don't need to be filled with an extraordinary urge to succeed- you might just be calm like me. So do what I'm trying to do- use this calm, this level headedness and observe those who have what you want till you want it bad enough to work for it. And use what you have because The only thing standing in the way of you and what you want- is you.
It's easy to be motivated if life in general is working out for you, but getting motivated when you are broken, that's the real challenge.
Everyday, The wire around my neck tightens, The walls of closing around me, Brown irises are a haze, A figure eight are my days. Feet like lead, My head is screaming, Skin black and blue, And my knuckles are bleeding. You are titanium, You are fire, You are strong, And you can reach higher. Stand up and dust off, You need to start at rock-bottom, To reach the top.
Just had a mental breakdown, deleted my Facebook, all my clothes are all over my bedroom, and i may have a broken lamp. I forget how bad i get when i hit rock-bottom. I’m just really surprised i didn't relapse
Week 23 - Curtains Down - RockBOTTOM: Real and Scary
Something's definitely been nagging me for a while now - a moss slowly beginning to build up into a mouldy infection. But you never know when it's gonna come get you, stalking up behind you all sneaky.
My shopping spree caught up to me. There, I said it! Sigh! It's been quite a difficult and shameful admission that took more self-berating to admit in public. I hit financial rock-bottom - my checking account touching cut down to 2 digits while my credit account stayed at 4-digit figures starting with the number 4. It stayed there at the end of the billing cycle with funds that couldn't debit the credit. I knew I was left with no choice but to leave an accruing interest until I could catch up to it. While shame tickled my brain, fear on the other side palpitated my heart, with a red-warm panic rising up my cheeks.
I quickly estimate where I can source money from and remember, with relief, about some large expenses I'd had to undertake for work pending reimbursement. It would be still be a while but some conviction returned to my voice with this green paper that inevitably had to come to me in near future. Capitalizing on this conviction, I made the dreaded call to my boyfriend asking for a loan - zero loan of course, but the displeasing nature of money-borrowing itself. I don't even want to estimate financial recovery. A "guesstimate" was more comforting to go by. Besides, like this wasn't rock-bottom enough, another one came swirling at me, with meteor-like speed and meteor-like devastation potential.
My visa renewal was due the following week and I was STILL waiting to hear from the immigration big boys. No news from them in 10 days meant no job for me. I would be callously and carelessly be removed from my position if I didn't get the visa approval. And mind you, I had applied ahead with exactly twice as much time as the average processing time. I call; my attorney calls; I wait with an endurance beyond choice for hours on the queue to reach a human voice on the customer service line; my attorney requests an expedited hearing to my case; I speak with people feeling like I'm talking to a cow that has no meaning for a word, or a letter, or a human sound even; I plead with representatives to see reason; I repeat every sentence four times and request the same favor in return as I try to beat stunning accent differences. I wait and perspire. I tell my boyfriend and he throws a fit in sudden shock and at the short term of impact like a time-bomb ticking to explode. I tell my landlord to prepare him for potential "de"tenancy and he paces up and down the hall reprimanding me for not telling him earlier so that we could do more for it. I tell my parents and they are the only ones calming down, but only because they don't understand the gravity of the situation. At least, I won't have to worry about being thrown out of the country right away. I find out I have a 60-day research period of unemployment to obtain approval before I have to pack up and leave. I hit legislative rock-bottom.
Another immigration counselor is the sweetest ever - she suggests I enjoy the time off, to stay at home, cozy up on my couch, sip some cocoa, and enjoy a book. Sounds like such a wonderful sabbatical indeed, but only if I can afford my rent and all of that. She, by no surprise, has no idea about the financial abyss that I've fallen into. It was THE BIGGEST irony of my time. Oh, hold on, I haven't finished yet. A semi-passive volcano waiting to blow up was a conference I had ahead of me, exactly 2 days after my potential termination date. I'd already put in big bucks into registration, airline tickets, hotel reservations and such. If the visa didn't work out, I'd not be able to go and lose a truckload of money. ("Truckload" taken in the context of my current situation). This height of panic left me bereft of even the ability to panic. With the future looming large, my shock reaction drew me to pull out a pack of cake mix lying around in my shelf for over a year. I bake the second cake that I've ever baked. I'm not the person that fancies bakes or cooks ever. Cooking is not for me, baking's not my stress therapy. I don't even know what I was thinking when I got that mix from the store. But now here I was; the possibility of sustainable breakfast for 2 weeks during economic downtime drove me to bake!
I threw myself into this chasm alarmingly close to bankruptcy while the immigration meteor is hurtling itself at exponentially rising speeds towards me. Ain't this the perfect pickle?
Always moving against currents.
This short life is just a fucking hell. Why do we live in a world where you always have to keep moving upstream to just be able to live.. The victories are so little. Maybe it's just me. I must be bad at life.
