#roldien

[lilyhummingbird]

Faires and Meditation

Dear Diary, I got two music boxes today. Both are very beautiful and well crafted. They were made by Miss Nayelii. She comes to visit the house often with her little sister. Her name is much like my Minn'da's and I've gotten a partial story but Minn'da just gets quiet afterwards so I don't ask anymore. But Miss Nayelii took me to the Darkmoon Faire. I had never gone before. I had always wanted to go but never had the chance. No one would take me. I couldn't have really asked and when I use to drop hints people just forgot about it or didn't care. Kind of like how I wanted to go to Club Trixx but everyone is just so busy anymore to have fun. Then I went out for a bit after Minn'da got home. She was looking a bit off. I thought I'd look to see if maybe I could find some traveling clothes. Something warm for while I'm in Winterspring this week. Ended up just going for a walk and bumped into Roldien. He said he was worried about me since he hadn't spoken to me in the last few days. I had to remind him he could always comm me but of course there was a little excuse. He's sweet, he really is. And then there was Zidane and then Sedore and Xorin. Who then proceeded to pick on Zidane and things got tense. Roldien tried to stop them from carrying him off and then Sedore almost hurt Roldien. So, things got even more tense. The emotions were breaking down my grounding and so... I got up and left. I couldn't do it or if I got set off I could have hurt someone. Roldien ended up following me and I went to the high place of Stillwhisper by the waterfall. He asked me when I was leaving since I had told him it would be soon. I know it is soon. I feel that it is soon. And then I jumped. It is something my Ann'da taught me. When you feel as if the world is just pressing on you. When you need to clear your mind, jump off a tall cliff into the water below and everything seems to just fall away with you. Hold your breath to clear you mind and all will be well. I did just that. Water is a great part to meditation and I went to surface to see that Roldien had followed in a panic. He didn't understand and I just couldn't help but laugh. He's afraid of heights and he jumped without thinking. In a way that answers a question I had from a long time ago. And he laughed. He seemed surprised in himself that he had done such and I sat down to complete my meditation. He spoke to me as he dried off and he asked me a question that many ask themselves. Who am I? Well, I gave him the best answer I could give. He's Roldien and he can do anything in the world he wants to. And I explained to him how it is others that can see the potential of others. It seemed to put him at ease and at least... I can do that for someone. My pull to the Caverns is getting worse. I have been dreaming about entering the sands. Looking up at the bronze dragonflight and speaking with them. It is as if they are actually talking to me as well because they aren't all the same. There is one dragon in particular that catches my interest in these talks. He's white with red eyes. His voice rumbles and is soothing. He is always there to speak to me and I wonder... are these really dreams? Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

"I love you"

Dear Diary, I love you. Those were the words he left me with today but as I had sat and thought over the past few days, I had been in a swirl of dissent when it came to him and my own emotions to him. I know of his tendencies to get flustered around men. This alone makes me extremely uncomfortable. And despite the way my family is, open and loving and mostly because of my Mother. Sexuality is something that I've been brought to accept and to never haze. And I do not. The choices of others do not bother me... as long as they don't affect me. A wandering eye to men. Me having to defend him from the lucrative men that are often surrounding us... I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. And he considers it weird. He doesn't understand it but yet I think he does, at least a little bit. I am not bisexual. I am not one of those women who find a man with a man attractive either, and I do know those type of women exist. I once asked Minn'da what she felt when she saw Ann'da kiss another men. She told me that when she had seen it, it was something that did stir an anger but the reaction of said man flailing was more worth it. She won't admit it but she does enjoy to see others suffer. Something I tend to share with her. I told him though. I told him that if he had or even did anything with another man I could not bring myself to be close to him. I hate myself that I'd feel disgusted over the matter but should he be waiting as I suspect and should he be patient, he shouldn't do those kinds of things to hurt me. Things to hurt me. Why is it that when I'm shot and stabbed, it doesn't hurt as much as when I feel this dissent in my heart? My energies must be a swirling negativity and so I try and keep away from Mother in this time. She doesn't need the negative energy. It hurt me when when he had knowingly did what he did to Aedari. Showing off muscle tone that I know he has just by the weight of his armor and well, what I can see through clothing. His arms are most typically exposed. I'm told he has a tattoo but I never really got the chance to look at it. The chances I've had I kept my eyes averted respectfully. He takes responsibility for such with the burn that lies across his chest. But now I know he can take such pain and I know the levels of heat that could make it worse and not as bad. A lot of the time it is in the actual cast rather than the conjure. And then there is that man. Amor. He is feminine beyond belief and he is shy, I can tell that much. Roldien showed kindness to him and has in a sense attached himself to him. During our conversation how many times did he ask if he could approach? How many times did he call for him? And then it just makes me wonder. Was there something more? I want to scream but there is not basis to my thoughts rather than paranoia and jealous. But does he not think? I don't trust him. I care for him. I have for a long time. I shall always care for him because you cannot control the things you feel for a person. But maybe that's why I shouldn't get angry. You can't control it. But I wish I could. But I can't trust him and that makes it all that much worse. What if he is lying to me? Honesty is important. Minn'da has made that important for our entire life. If we are honest then we will be just fine and good things will come our way. Ann'da speaks on half truths. Never lying but not revealing everything. What if he is telling me half truths? I know that they can be just as hurtful when what is being hidden is something that could truly affect someone. I'm getting angry again. -a slight scorch mark is on the paper- I had to walk away for a moment. I was ungrounding again but this is a place to get out my worries and fears isn't it? A safe place? And through this all I am still confused and uncertain. I don't trust him. I care about him. And now most of all, I fear him because he can make me feel this way. But what is it that I actually -feel-? When I was little and dreaming of finding that knight in shining armor. Giggling about it with Sariel there were a few things that never changed in those little ideas. He must be able to make conversation, even in silence. Because you can say so much with just a presence. With the steady rate of breathing or even unsteady. I've learned over the years how to read people when going with Ann'da to the market when I was younger or even now when I ask him questions about actions I don't understand. I must always be able to learn from him and him from me. Because when you learn you will remain forever young and to be with someone that you always learn something from and them from you, spiritually you will always be youthful. And he must be strong. And when I was younger it was simply he must be able to protect me. Save me when I need to be saved. Just like a true Knight. But as I've gotten older I've learned it is also something else. He must be able to be strong on a mental and emotional level as well. To be able to support me when I'm at my breaking points just as I can only hope to support him. Those are requirements that have never changed. I need to talk to Sariel. Hell, any woman that would understand. I just know that if I bring my issues of love to my parents... someone is going to get hurt. It is not a secret. I have no secrets from them. But to tell anyone what he said would hurt him. And it is inevitable but I'd like to sort through the thoughts myself first. Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Brotherly Love and Burns

Dear Diary, I went out yesterday and got to see Xorin. We stood in the Row until it got very busy. He had his arm around me to keep me safe and I really did. Even if we don't get along sometimes. But he's like my brother. He is part of my Family. We talked and I tried to catch him up. He promised he would be around more but I really don't believe him. I just know he won't but it is was nice to be around him anyway. People get angry with him but it is because he has so much he has to fix. After awhile I went to the Skulking Row, I was going to do inventory but Sariel showed up. She scared me because she was a bunny and then she was not. I didn't realize it was her at first. We talked for a moment before she ran off because Vayyn was going to be close by and she wanted to get more chocolate. That's right, it is Noblegarden. Bunnies and chocolate everywhere. I had talked to Roldien on the comm and I asked him if he was taking care of his burns. Turns out he didn't change his bandages and Vayyn was going to help him. I didn't like after that. Vayyn blew up. They said it wasn't as bad as she was saying it was. Skithiryx sat with me for a little while and explained most about burns. He calmed me down and went to go save Roldien from Vayyn. I just went to the office for a bit. Went to leave and Kol'turu was behind me. Then I met Roldien on my way back and he started apologizing and I really don't know what to say and the next thing I know I'm being hugged by a Forsaken I've never met before. Turns out is Melthe, a mage that my Minn'da has talked about and Vayyn talks highly of. Minn'da says he's crazy and to be careful around him and don't take anything he gives you. He tried to drag me away for lessons but I was trying to go home! I did end up escaping. I got a look from Minn'da. That look scares me. Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Fire

Dear Diary, I'm a terrible person. Or maybe I'm not because maybe he deserved it? I don't know. I really don't know. He says he deserved it but what if I was that much closer? I could hear Miss Seri as she treated him. She said if he was a little closer it could have been worse. It could have killed him. Can my flames really do something like that? Kill simply just because of what it is? But he really is an idiot. Who follows someone after they've been burned by them? I had been walking and at first it was alone but as usual people join me. I had passed him a few times, seeing that he was talking to Ezekeal, Behmyn's brother. He never looked in my direction, he never spoke to me, and this made my anger rise even more. Eventually Zidane joined me and we spoke on little things. I can't even remember what we talked about anymore. I think it was Casus. Rhonae and her goat joined us, she was napping again which tends to happen on occasion. And then there was a silent stranger but he wore our tabard so I felt no reason to feel alarmed. I went to my ledge in the Training Grounds. Watching as a few people were taught by veterans. Everything remained quiet around us but then I heard him. And as usual, he asked if he could join us. I don't know what tipped it off to Zidane but he tried to get Roldien to walk away. I ended up trying to. I could feel the heat in my hands warming up my skin. It is still a little raw but not a burn. Closer to a light sunburn than anything. But he followed and I was trying to get away from the noise but the city was packed today. To be expected though. And then I just reeled. He didn't understand why I was mad. How could he not? And I yelled and then the fire did escape my fingers and he was set on fire and I just walked away. And he followed like a stubborn mule! I wanted to do it again but I was afraid to look to see what I had done. I didn't get to look at the burns at all. I continued to yell and tell him that if he had just left me alone and moved on without this, then things would be better. I wouldn't be so angry. I can't be jealous! But you cannot control your emotions either. And then his arms were around my waist and I could feel his forehead pressed into my back as he tried to talk me down. How can he sit there and do that when I had done that to him? I don't understand! I don't think I can understand why. And before I knew it... I blacked out. It wasn't like the usual ones. I could feel the pain in my chest at first. I never feel the pain before. And I went down so slowly I was almost afraid I was having a heart attack. But I woke up, falling over, which scared the hell out of me. I didn't know where I was and there were people everywhere. My head was pounding and my chest was aching. I just wanted things to be quiet and for everyone to get away. V was there. He gave me something for the pain and it did help. A tea. He may seem like an asshole but he is actually fairly nice. I ended up reading his book that he gave me later. I could hear Seri talking about Roldien's injury. About how bad it was. And I could hear the waver in his voice as the pain had hit him. I still didn't look. Zidane was there to check up on me. He made sure I was alright before he went home to sleep. He trained with Minn'da today so he needed the rest. Aedari was there, or at least I heard her on the comm and her voice is a very annoying thing right now. V jokingly mentioned being able to count Roldien's ribs, which I knew wasn't true, and she panicked to say she'd be right there. She was then there and got fussy because people were arguing. She's a stupid bitch. Self righteous and believes she can do no wrong. I bet she's a hypocrite too. The way she talks on things, even the most casual of things, she always throws a fit and I just want to burn her too. Just like how she was apparently very upset even after she left. So upset she was afraid to go to Pandaria in case she got attacked by the Sha for her negative emotions. Right now, I just don't like her. Though I was never fond of her to begin with anyway. Though people filtered out and I couldn't get up yet until my head stopped spinning. Roldien couldn't move until the pain felt better. Amor had helped him with that. I don't know who he is but he seems nice. How can he still be nice to me when I could have killed him? I just don't understand him. He then told me when he asked what my goals were that he didn't mean my big goals. He meant my little goals to make me happy. I couldn't answer him. I actually don't know. I've been so focused on my studies I actually didn't know that answer. Why does that scare me? Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Anger

Dear Diary, The anger is coming back again. The soft lull of quiet days where things are safe has seemed to shifted as my emotions seem to take turns I will never understand. I enjoyed the peace and quiet and yet, I regret the actions in which I took, particularly yesterday. Ann'da told me. I think he has his own sick pleasure on watching the reactions of others, particularly violent ones but Minn'da tells me that fighting in any relationship is healthy because if you agree on everything or if the person just does everything right then that just isn't natural. He told me that Aedari's heart monitor went off, telling me this while I did my late night drawings. I didn't have my earring on and he told me that Roldien said everything was alright. Well, when I had left I had left the two of them together. So maybe something scared her? But then he said there was a mentioning of muscles and his own implications and teasing that I could hear from his end only made me frown and I messed up the rune. It exploded. It took an hour to get the soot out of my hair. And it just festered. It festered all day. What reason did he need to have his shirt off? Increased heart rate is what Aedari said when she tried to explain love to me. Along with blushing and other things. Though by now I understand most of what she explained was lust. Did she lust for him? I had never taken the opportunity to see him in an exposed state. Each time he was sort of injured and that is no time to stare! Maybe, no, I am jealous. I can't help but feel that way because the feelings I have for him have not gone away and he's been my support through much as I have been for him. And as this anger festered it only got worse and the grounding I had done for the morning came undone, particularly that evening. But I snapped at Mother. I don't want to make her worry over trivial things. She's about to pop and my little sister will be with us soon. Negative emotions would be bad for her but she is a good listener. I need to talk to her about it but even though I should, I don't think it would change anything. It seems that he is no different than other men. Men like Zidane who claims love and then is absolutely infatuated with a girl who forced him into a relationship. It honestly makes my stomach turn when he starts in on that. Because then I wonder if he understands what love is. Minn'da always said never say it unless you know that you mean it. Leiran can barely say it unless it is to us, his family but I'm sure he's said it to Rhonae! I need to talk to Mother today... if she doesn't pop of course. But it only got worse when I was heading home and I always stop by the Inn in Falconwing to see if the lady there can make me her honey tea. It is the best really. And there was Seri and Roldien leaning against one another. And my mind clicked to the bad things. It took me a moment to realize Uncle Kol'turu was there. And I almost did something bad. I almost let my anger flow and well, did something illogical. I'm glad I didn't. I was told that the magical rebound of the spell they were doing could have really hurt Seri. I'm not mad at her. Just... mad at him. Maybe a little at Aedari. She has a boyfriend! But I just stormed off. Uncle Kol'turu followed after me. We probably would have talked longer if the comm hadn't gone off. Seri didn't react well to whatever memory thing she as doing. There were traps set in his memories from the Old God but now his head is fixed and Seri is a little bit of a mumbled mess. I went home to set up her room and make sure that there were things she'll need. I let Minn'da and Ann'da know so that they could keep an eye on her too but I bet Uncle Kol'turu is going to be staying with her. She likes apples, so I left four in a bowl by her bed. I hope she gets better. And I'll set Roldien on fire another time. Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Make Up and Parties

Dear Diary, I met a lady today who insisted on doing my make up. I was kinda of afraid to try and she did put on too much of that stuff on my eyelashes. It kind of just makes them feel funny. Maybe I could try it lighter or play with the colors she used. I think it is called eyeshadow. Minn'da's face when I came home was priceless though. She just smiled and laughed and little and told me I could tone it down a little. That if I wore it, I only needed enough to bring out the qualities I had, like my eyes. I want to play with the colors and see if I can get the colored flecks to stand out like these charcoal colors brought out the base grey. So I think I'll go to the market and see what I can find. Oh, we had the party. It was wonderful. I sang and played for everyone and I got to see everyone dance. It was everything I had hoped. I didn't get to eat though... no one did give me my pepper! And we didn't get the fish out so I think I'll have to work with Minn'da on distributing it to the Inns as a donation from the company on our good will before it will spoil. But it is alright. All things we could fight on were directed away from and it was a happy night. Though, everyone did pick on Roldien. It was a little too easy though. But I may still be half his age when I do go to the Caverns but I think that it would be something like guys being jealous he got a pretty girl half his age and not for money. Kind of interesting to think about. But, I need to make it clear we aren't dating now. I just hope I feel the same way about him when I get back. I have a feeling I will. I just hope he still likes the person I will become. Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Surprise Fail

Dear Diary, It didn't happen. It just seemed like a perfect day for it and it didn't happen because someone got shot. Well, Roldien got shot. I hear that he hit Xorin first but I bet he deserved it. Either way, it was all almost set up and it didn't matter. Lily

[lilyhummingbird]

Piggy Back Rides

Dear Diary, Piggy back rides really can be the best. It was a nice day being out with Roldien, even if he carried me the whole way and just exploring. Lily