#romanticgrunge

[customtrauma]

[heavenxily]

my entire life i lived like my existence was a burden , i was ingrained with such a deep shame , and that shame made me want to help others . i understood shame to an intimate degree , and i never wanted that for others . feeling like i could depend on no one , i wanted others to feel as if they could at least feel safe around me .

though, in making sure that others were comfortable , not once was i ever comfortable . not once did anyone think of me or my comfort .

in fact , most people resented me , because what i gave wasn't coming from the person they wanted it from .

living life like that , just imagine it .

always reassuring . always putting others first . always over explaining . always fearing being misunderstood , always craving acceptance , and hoping- praying every night to be truly seen.

no more .

I see me .

i will no longer live on egg shells . the time has come to be unapologetically me . it's time to make mistakes . to be unashamed .

and sure , in these stages where i learn to protect my softness , i may have times where i'll be too hard . but it's a journey , a balance , and right now , i need to find comfort in being hard .

i need to find comfort in being me again.

i've lived too long letting society tell that little girl that she had every right to hate herself , that she had every right to want to be different . i won't allow it any longer .

and anyway, sometimes things need to fall and explode for better to begin to build .

i won't let anyone push me back into that corner for their comfort . i will save my softness for those who prove they're worthy of it .

my comfort matters too.

i matter too .

and if i'm too much for people , then they can leave .

[rta-m-a]

[heavenxily]

having a body is so high maintenance... drink this , eat that , shit here

LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE !!!

[heavenxily]

yap away queen , this is your sign to unapologetically make the room uncomfortable .

[heavenxily]

growing up , i always found beauty in pain . how could i not? surrounded by it , it was the only way i could feel special .

whether it was the way blues and purples decorated arms and legs , or reds covered inner arms and outer thighs . i wanted it . i wanted to be dressed in its beauty , and at 14 , i finally entered its world, the world i wasn’t sure how to express since 2 , since 5 , since 9 years old.

healing is hard , because i'll never forget its beauty . to this day , i yearn to be adorned in it’s ornaments, ornaments of misery, but most importantly- of survival . 

i’m proud of my scars , but it’s difficult . because when you’re proud of them , you wish your badges of honor were bigger , more prominent , covering bigger areas… and the only way to achieve that is to fall right back into its temptation .

the annoying part? there simply is no solution. i will always yearn it.

i will say , however , that over time , with every day , it gets a little easier .

i will no longer shame myself for my misery . my sadness is mine , no amount of healing can take it away from me . it’s just no longer a toxic , addicting sensation of push and pull .

i’ll waltz with my sadness , i love her after all , i always have , she’s been there for me during the hardest .

i’ll always welcome her with open arms . 

but now , when it’s time for her to take a backseat , i won’t allow her to dig her claws in and take the reigns anymore .

i’m free .

[heavenxily]

don't resist misery , fighting her waves will leave you drained when it's time to come up for air .

[heavenxily]