✨For your Heart.
Note: I haven’t slept for three days. There’s this heavy feeling in my heart and now I’ve been called to write and release this, for me and for you. I don’t know where I’m going with this or how its supposed to help at all but take what resonates with your soul.
For these placements: Pluto in 1st/5th/7th/8th House. Venus in 5th/7th/8th/12th House. Moon in 1st/7th/8th/12th House. Pluto, Mars, Uranus, Neptune and Sun Dominants.
Hey You,
Yeah, you’re me. I’m you. Okay let’s not get confused here! But….sit down. Breathe with me. I’m writing this because I know you’re hurting. Hurting because you can’t seem to find a place of emotional comfort. You’ve become people’s home so many times but you’re still in search for one where you might finally let loose. One where no worries will be yours alone, one where you’ll finally be open with no filters on, one where you'll feel deeply cared for and loved. You often sit in the balcony and find yourself talking to the Moon, asking it “Where is it? Where’s the comfort? Is there any left for me or am I forgotten?” I guess this is the one thing that you really carried from your childhood days; this...., habit of conversing with the Moon. It may seem silly, yes, but we both know it always gave you peace.
At a very young age, you took it upon yourself to become the person, the home, the support and the comfort you were looking for when no one was around for you. Now you’re that person for people who look for these things. It makes you happy that you can provide these things to someone when they need it. It makes you feel……. “Needed”? Makes you feel like you have a reason to live, like not everything about you is “useless”. Yeah, that brought back memories didn’t it, the painful ones?
You know, you’ve grown so quiet. This feeling of being “Nonexistent” constantly comes to your brain. “What is it that is so wrong with me that no one wants to be my home?”, “My safe space?”, “Am I really so useless, so ugly, so invisible?”, “Or am I not good enough to live?” So many questions and doubts. Even the people who were closest to you left you when you needed them for just a little. Remember when you came home from school and told mom “I’m the ‘Use and Throw’ girl at school, everyone uses me”. You cried your little 12 year old heart to sleep that night. Mom couldn’t take it either, she cried with you.
There were days that were too hard to handle and you wished for them to be over within a snap but they didn’t. Moments where you wanted to scream but you didn’t, cry but you didn’t, instead you learned how to switch your emotions and put on a show. Today, it’s hard for you to show your emotions completely. It’s always “I’m fine”, “I’m doing gorgeously” or “I’m handsome💁♀️”. It’s never the truth. Why? Because what if you open your heart and someone comes in and dismisses how you feel or even makes fun again?
You know what the worst bit is? The fact that you feel selfish and undeserving for needing all of the things you provide for others. You want them but you also don’t, you just can't. You fear that you’re being selfish and self-centred when all you’re asking for is a little comfort for your own heart.
People ask you why you don’t have a “best friend”. How could you ever tell them that you just can't trust anyone anymore after all the times you were given the promise of "Forever", but then they turned it into "Never". They found someone better to laugh with, to converse with late at night, to share their 'firsts' with, to gush about crushes with, to do everything with, but you. And they always left without an explanation, didn't they? It still hurts you because you often wonder what was it that you did wrong, that drove them away without them wanting to say a word.
Fuck that.
Remember, you've picked yourself up uncountable times before and YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL THE END OF TIME. So what if there's no one around for you? Are you really going to slip up like that? Acknowledge how strong you are, how tough you've become. You've never let anyone break your spirit and you never will. You've come so far. And remember the day when you reminded yourself "I was always the Lion, the King of the jungle in father's bedtime stories. I always walked alone at night in those forests and was never scared of what was to come. Instead I fought wars, bad guys and by the time of dawn I went back to my den and sat in my throne, looking over my kingdom. I'll do it again, except, this time for real and for myself. I'll be friends with the dark again." You were just 13-14 years old. Do you remember this moment at all?
That was the moment you were reborn. That was the moment when you started to give zero fucks about what anyone had to say. You stuck to what made you happy and you kept going. You slowly bloomed into the person you wanted in your life and looked up to. You've achieved so much since then. Don't let your younger self down by slipping now. You won't.
Sit back, reflect. You have so much to learn from your younger self. The fact that you're writing this letter itself shows how you never depend on anyone but YOU. Come on, you got this.
You were forced to grow up for a reason when you were just 7, it was wrong but we made it. You did.
Remember, The Lion was never a Cub to begin with in those bedtime stories.
Love, Roy.