#rrez writes

[rrezshifts]

A DIARY ENTRY FOR my brother’s best friend reality,, or just me sorting out my feelings ( 1.4K words: ~5:10 min read )

THIS’LL BE QUICK… I think at least. I hope. But depending on how much I start to spew out over this whole situation I may write too god damn much. My mom always told me if you have no one to talk to, talk to yourself. Create an environment where you can at least trust one person, yourself. So when Lily wasn’t around growing up, or I was—for some reason—too scared to talk to her about something right away. I would write. In a notebook, in my notes app, anywhere I could. And I’m doing that now. Lily should be getting back to our dorm within the hour. And she will be a listening ear for me when that time comes. But there’s just so much I need to unpack, and my mind’s a mess at the moment.

Today, an hour ago, on Tuesday September 27, 2022, Tommy came to my room. After nearly 4 full days of not talking to him, and truthfully all out avoiding him, since Friday night. He came to my room. I was avoiding him because I was scared. SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT FRIDAY NIGHT. I had thought he was coming in for a kiss, so I went to kiss him back, only for him to pull away suddenly right as I did. I don’t remember a lot of what I was feeling in that moment. I think I was genuinly running on the adrenaline of my horror. If you’re me, with a many year long crush on your family friend, that kind of rejection is probably on equal par to finding out the zombie apocalypse is starting. I just started running away from him… well more so speed walking away. Rushing to get back to my room, get back to Lily. All I could think of was her as I silently let my tears fall down my cheeks. She’s been there through nearly all of the Tommy Shepherd related heartbreaks. This would be no different. At the time I thought he pulled away because he was absolutely disgusted with the fact I tried to kiss him. For those four days after, I kept thinking he knew about my feelings for him. AND I WAS TOO TERRIFIED TO FACE HIM. He kept texting me that he wanted to talk. I thought he was gonna let me down easy, and no part of me was ready for that intense of heartbreak, despite the fact I was already stewing in that grief. I don’t think I could’ve taken hearing, and not just inferring, it from him.

THEN TOMMY SHOWED UP TO MY DORM TODAY. Lily tried to get him to leave. She opened the door for me before I knew who it was. Apparently she ran into him at a dining hall on campus and he tried asking her how I was. Then tried bringing up the idea of him stopping by. While she lied about my wellbeing, she immediately shut down his idea. It didn’t seem to stop him though. He sounded so weak at the door, so sad. It was tugging at my heartstrings. I’ve always had a soft spot for Tommy Shepherd. Always. Lily really tried to get him to leave, but he kept insisting he would stay until I told him to leave myself. And I know he knew that I couldn’t bare to do that. He knew that he was my weakness, especially when he himself sounded so distraught on the other side of the door. I told her to let him in, she did, and then she left so we could talk. And we did.

He tried apologizing, which confused me. So I tried apologizing instead, which confused him. THAT WAS THE FIRST HINT THAT SOMETHING WAS OFF about both of our interpretations with what happened. Tommy began to explain himself. He said that he was drunk. He shouldn’t have stepped over the line with me. He never wants to make me uncomfortable like that. And all of that explaining lifted a weight off my shoulders and then sunk that same one down into my gut. I realized that he didn’t know I tried to kiss him back, he had no idea about my feelings for him. He just thought I ran away that night because he almost kissed me, and I was made uncomfortable by that fact. He didn’t pull away from me because I tried to kiss him. But because he thought better of kissing me. And that it was the alcohol that made him almost kiss me. While it was what little sobriety he had left that made him think better of it. I felt nauseous at the wonder of whether he would have kissed me if I was any other girl in that scenario. I COULD FEEL THE ANXIETY RIPPING AT MY STOMACH OVER ALL OF IT. Of the unreciprocity of it all. But I also felt relief that I could still hide my feelings from him for longer. Or forever if they’ll never go away like I fear. And I felt relief that he didn’t know this one specific intimate part of myself, that I was terrified for him to be privy to.

I COULD FEEL THE COMPLEX EMOTIONS RAVAGING THROUGH ME. But the grief stayed a focal point of my mind. He could hear it in my voice even when I accepted his apology. I told him I forgave him so he would stop apologizing for not kissing me—when I wish he would have—as if it was a crime against humanity. The more he rambled on about his apologies the more I was reminded he didn’t want me and I was tired of thinking about it. So I forgave him. Which was easy because I didn’t feel I needed to. I was never upset at him. Just too scared to face him. Not like he knew that or why. And I didn’t want him to. So I apologized to him. When he asked me if I was okay when my apology wavered as it came out, like I was going to cry. I just kept lying. No part of me was going to trip and fall into confessing something I spent four days petrified was already found out. He believes me when I tell him everything is good between us again. Because it’s not entirely untrue. BUT THEN HE ASKS ME IF WE CAN CALL AGAIN, like we have been the past month. Then more shockingly he asks me if “…we could go out somewhere together.” And it sounds almost like a date. And it’s just so confusing. Being hounded about how much he regrets something so romantic from almost occurring just to ask if he could “take me” somewhere in the most romantic fucking phrasing.

I don’t really know how to feel. SO MUCH HAPPENED AT ONCE. So much I felt. So much I learned. With everything considered, there’s a few things I know for fact. ONE; I still love Tommy Shepherd despite his lack of romantic feelings for me. I will probably love Tommy Shepherd for years to come. And every relationship I get into during those years will be spent yearning after someone I can not have. Dreaming of someone who is not mine. And wishing for things to be different. TWO; This will not kill me. Or at least my life will not end from this killing me. It’ll hurt. But it has hurt many times before. And I’ve gotten through it every single time. Lily is a big factor in that, for sure. But in some fucked up way, Tommy has gotten me through it too. Because he still loves me. Maybe not in the way I fully want. But we’ve been bordering on something romantic for years. Enough for my friends to think he feels something. It’s like getting mini micro doses of the one drug I need to live. It may not be a full 35mg of the Tommy brand of coke I need. But he gives me enough to get by. And it staves off the pain. He himself has the power to distract me from the pain he unknowingly causes me. And that fact is honestly a little bit sick and twisted. AND FINALLY; Tommy is picking me up from my dorm room at 3 PM tomorrow. He’s taking me somewhere. That somewhere is a surprise that he is definitely aware of because he’s, and I quote, “been thinking up ideas for a while now.” Help.

TAGLIST!! @laylasverse , @dessarchive , @girlfanged & @miiholic

[rrezshifts]

A DIARY ENTRY FOR my portland romcom reality,, or a vent I’d probably write in said reality ( 532 words: ~1:50 min read )

THE AMOUNT OF GUILT I FEEL IS IMMENSE. Just overpowering. Because I have a boyfriend. I have a goddamn boyfriend. And yet I’m finding myself so enraptured with Tommy Shepherd. He has me in a chokehold. Anything he says sounds so melodical. Anything he does puts stars in my eyes. The flirty words he throws my way make me want to crumble to the floor and see if he’d try and put me back together. His smile is enough to spur me on until I find myself alone in my own room. And while I get myself off, that smile never leaves my mind. It’s there along with his gorgeous green eyes, messy blonde hair, his strong arms, and his thick neck. And after I’m done, jesus the guilt is even stronger.

I’ve tried not to give in. I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend of over a year. A boyfriend that, if you asked Lily, is a complete dick and I deserve better. But I can’t help but wonder, what if things do go back to the way they used to with me and him. What if this shitty treatment is just temporary. It has to be, because he told me he loved me. He bought me flowers, kissed me, took my virginity, said everything I’ve ever wanted to hear. That can’t all be for nothing. But god sometimes it really feels like it has been. And then I get a taste of that same romance with Tommy. And he’s so willing to give it. And it’s so nice to have. It drives me wild.

I always tell myself to not give in. To not flirt back. To put up my walls and push him away. Because I have a boyfriend. One of Tommy’s best friends and teammates. He knows my boyfriend. He knows we’re dating. And he can’t seem to give less shits about that. But not giving in is just so hard when anything I could ever want is dangling in front of me like a bone on a stick. So I give in on occasion. I flirt back before shutting my mouth and turning away from him, not allowing myself to see his reaction. I give him eyes that don’t remotely convey any annoyance before my face morphs back into something he can’t use against me in the future. I touch him playfully before rushing to keep my hands to myself. But that quick touch can always be felt on my fingertips for several minutes afterwards. A burning like I’m being called to touch him again. And sometimes I don’t reign myself in. Sometimes I flirt back, then he flirts back, then I flirt back again. And it’s the most exhilarating feeling. Before that goddamn guilt comes rushing back in. That guilt has gotten to the point that it’s just sat dormant in me anytime Tommy is around. Anytime we talk, sit next to each other, text one another. The guilt just stews in me until it spikes at any major interaction between us. It’s annoying for sure. But goddamnit, it can’t seem to push me away from him. It should. But it won’t. And it eats me up inside.

TAGLIST!! @laylasverse , @dessarchive & @girlfanged

[rrezshifts]

AN INTRODUCTION FOR my hockey romance reality,, or a reality where i reheat off campus’ nachos and fake date the co-captain of the hockey team ( 2.2K words: ~8:12 min read ) no one’s gonna read this shit omfg 😭😭

THAÏSA LOU HERMÈS FLORES, aka. me! Just finished her ( MY ) sophomore year of college at UCLA back in June. And as soon as my torturous finals ended I fulfilled a promise I made to myself. If I got through finals, and didn’t miraculously puff into a ploom of smoke out of stress, I would subscribe to a faceless OnlyFans model I kept seeing on Twitter.

That subscription didn’t last long. I mean… don’t get me wrong, I utilized it to death. But around the time I met this boy, ALEXANDER “XANDER” KINGSLEY, in late July, the subscription all out ended. Just because I found myself in a stupid dumb summer situationship with a dumb stupid boy.

AT FIRST I WAS HOPEFUL that when I confessed my feelings to Xander he would reciprocate, and we would start dating. I knew we attended the same school, so I thought we could be some sort of weird power couple. Despite the fact most people on campus wouldn’t know we exist.

Turns out, however, Xander is not one for relationships. When I revealed my feelings for him, he told me that he’s “…flattered, but too focused on…” whatever fucking sport he plays—that I couldn’t remember for the life of me…maybe I should’ve seen this coming—as well as going pro, to even think about relationships. I was crushed for the the first few days of THE TWO WEEKS I had before the semester started. But by the time it did, I was over it. Clearly.

After that whole fiasco I found myself attending one of THE FIRST PARTY’S of the new school year. Thrown by Sigma Nu, what was inherently a rager was in full force while I found myself hanging out in the frat house’s backyard. Despite the open air, it was hot and almost stuffy with the people crowded into the space. Standing with a few of my friends was when I made eye contact with a tall, muscular, and goddamn beautiful blonde man standing by himself with an even more gorgeous amused smile playing at his lips. I rarely am truly stricken by a man. But I was by him, almost instantly.

I found that his eyes never really left me, like when I’d keep looking back at him, our eyes kept meeting over and over and over and over. Several minutes into our little game of eye tag, the blonde would finally motion an invite for me to come over to him. And I would. We would talk and flirt. I found out his name, TOMMY SHEPHERD, he’s a hockey co-captain apparently. And the banter between us fired me up. It went on for several minutes, until he asked the one question I’d been dying to hear. His eyes became sultry and his voice was laced with an insinuation even an idiot could detect, “Would you want to—”

“Yes!”

Tommy then LED ME, with a gentle feather light grip on my hand, THROUGH THE HALLS to one of many rooms in this giant frat house. And the one I also assume is his. But just as we were about to get there, Tommy is pulled away by one of his frat brothers asking for his assistance with something. So he pointed me to his room instead and left me to get situated in it while he helped his friend.

Except I didn’t get situated. I ENTERED THE ROOM, and stared frozen at it like an idiot. A part of me hoped I had entered the wrong goddamn room. Because crazily enough, this one was the exact room I had seen and watched a faceless man pleasure himself in for over a month. Paid for it mind you, a little pathetic, but I don’t regret it. It was like crazy déjà vu, though. Seeing the room at almost the exact angle the camera recorded those videos from. And was that the tripod he uses to record them?

I started to panic. And when Tommy came back he noticed the change in air. He tried ASKING ME IF I WAS OKAY. And I tried to lie. I mean I was in a sense okay, but also I wasn’t. But I couldn’t exactly explain why. “Oh, you know, just freaking out because I’ve technically already seen you naked believe it or not.” Like what?? Unfortunately, me and lying have never been the best of friends, and I couldn’t handle the pressure, so I fessed up. He found it cute somehow, the whole situation. And also hot, lord knows why. But it was just so awkward as a whole that I TRIED TO LEAVE entirely. And Tommy was very against that, near begging me to stay. And I love when a man begs, sue me! So, at the end of it, it didn’t take much to get me back in the mood. And we hooked up just like we planned.

While LAYING IN BED AFTERWARDS, my summer fling came up. I explained that I had actually ended the subscription to his services, and a boy named Xander was the reason why. He didn’t seem scorned by that. I mean thank god, what sane person would be. But he also seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying. Despite the fact it was about another man while I laid in his bed, very much naked. We spent THE REST OF THE PARTY glued to each other’s sides. I introduced him to my friends, they loved him. He did the same with me and his, they loved me too… not to brag. And then he pried into my life story like it was a crate full of artifacts and he was goddamn Indiana Jones.

For the NEXT FEW WEEKS, me and him continue sleeping together and grow close as friends. Like really close. Tommy and I’s norm becomes hooking up several times a week, hanging out at, and very often beyond, parties. I try to attend one of his hockey games after he invites me but I’m completely lost the whole time. Actually, my friends had an intervention at one point telling me I had to share some of my time or we’d have problems. They told me I WAS DICKMATIZED and that genuinely was the only thing I needed to hear to get my head back on straight. Because I was. Dickmatized that is. And that’s not something to be proud of.

Our friends are rooting for us despite that, for some reason. They’re convinced we’ll get together. That we’re perfect for each other too. They think we are the cutest… whatever the fuck we are. But me and Tommy feel we’re FAR FROM HAVING OR GROWING ROMANTIC FEELINGS. We also feel we have a pretty strong and secure perspective of what we have going on. And if I personally imagine how it’d feel to spend the night and wake up cuddled in his arms, it’s truly just an intrusive thought. Don’t worry about it.

It isn’t until a party AFTER THOSE FEW WEEKS that our friends will start to celebrate. Tommy and I are hugging the wall at said party all night, mind you while also making out because we’re drunk and only human. And after hours of our usual routine, Tommy leaves to get more drinks for us. And that’s when Xander will SAUNTER HIS WAY UP TO ME. Remember how I said Xander goes to UCLA with me? Well he’s also apparently in another frat on campus and regularly attends these kind of parties. What does he do with his few minutes of time with me? He apologizes for the summer, asks if we could maybe be friends, and jokes about me unblocking him in such a charming way it’s the first thing I do when I leave the party.

Before Xander and I can end our conversation, TOMMY IS BACK and wraps an arm around my waist. I’m so used to his hands on me, I don’t notice the obvious display of affection that is that action. When I’ll lay in bed reliving the night in my head hours later, my mind’ll conjure up thoughts of a ‘what if’ that is utterly terrifying. What if he did that because he’s territorial over me? And what terrifies me most about that thought is how much my mind revels in it.

After our entirely, and nothing short of, awkward conversation. I will find out that Xander and Tommy ACTUALLY KNOW EACH OTHER. In fact, they’re co-captains of our college’s hockey team. Similarly, Tommy will find out that this Xander that Tommy apparently knows, is also the summer-fling-Xander I talked about when we first met.

Xander SEEMS TO HAVE HAD ENOUGH of this conversation—or maybe he just isn’t a fan of Tommy. Because as Tommy will tell me, ever since the two were appointed co-captains Xander has acted cold and almost always bitchy to him—and he makes up what is obviously an excuse to leave.

Once he does, Tommy turns to me with intense interest. It’s cute. He asks me if I’m still into the guy. And that’s still cute… somehow. It baffles me how him butting in where he shouldn’t, can activate the corner of my brain that makes me want to squeeze him ‘til he pops. When I tell him that I think I am, but I doubt anything will change when it comes to Xander’s disinterest in relationships. Tommy gets a look in his eyes like he has THE MOST GENIUS ( to him ) PLAN, before he all out suggests we pretend to date.

He tells me that Xander and him spend nearly every day around each other, and if I’m by Tommy’s side for a lot of it, there’s no way Xander won’t WANT WHAT HE CAN’T HAVE. Especially when what he can’t have is me. He says it like I’m some sort of prize. Not that I don’t think I’m a prize. Just can’t exactly tell how I feel about him thinking that. All around I’m unsure, yet Tommy, on the other hand, is so fucking sure it’ll work. So I give in after a bit more begging from him—because you and him both know what I like—and within a few seconds me and him are officially dating.

Despite all the fake dating and the interest from Xander that Tommy is supposedly picking up on. AFTER A MONTH of Tommy and I’s relationship, I could give two shits about Xander. I try to convince myself if he came up to me and asked me on a date I would say yes. But that’s one of the biggest lies I told myself after, “I’m not in love with Tommy Shepherd.” My mind is sooo locked in on that mother-fucking man. I barely look for Xander in a room, even when Tommy points out that he’s staring. I truly HAVE NOT CARED LESS about a person since the girlfriend that my brother brought home even after she cheated on him. Like… my mind can’t not notice how everything with Tommy feels so damn real. And how I want nothing else but to nurture it.

While ATTENDING A PARTY TOMMY ISN’T AT, Xander comes up to me yet again. But instead of sharing any interest in dating me. You know like the one thing this whole fake dating thing was for. He propositions me. For sex. Intercourse. That’s it. And while I am in fact drunk, I’m no where near desperate enough to fuck Xander Kingsley anymore. Sadly, because I am in fact drunk, I’m also loose lipped and let it slip that me and Tommy were fake dating. Fake dating with the intention of me getting with Xander by the end of it. I hate that he seems flattered by it. Because his PROPOSITION FOR SEX, mind you while I’m still in a relationship, just repulsed me even further.

And the drunk tirade I let rip on Xander about how he honestly disgusts me now, seems to hurt him more than drunk me thought it would. Not like it wasn’t deserved. He wanted to sleep with me TO HURT TOMMY. And now that it didn’t go his way, he thinks up a roundabout way to still crush the poor man.

BEFORE PRACTICE, in the locker room, Xander will not only imply, but full out tell Tommy that me and him fucked. It’s not remotely true. And I kick myself for not silently loving Tommy in a way where he would have never believed the fucker. But I also kick myself for the fact I loved him silently in the first place. Because Xander’s plan works. IT DEVASTATES TOMMY. And when practice ends and he sees texts from me, acting like nothing happened—because as far as I’m aware nothing has—he decides he needs time and blocks me on everything.

Unfortunately for me I have genuinely no clue why he would do that. IT SENDS ME INTO A PANIC. Because why wouldn’t it. Randomly losing the man I’m in love with when everything was fine the last we talked. Which was literally that morning to send our usual good morning texts. I ask around, real detective type shit—I ran into one of Tommy’s teammates at a campus cafe—find out about the lie Xander is spreading, and then spend the rest of the day trying to talk to Tommy. It’s not going my way, and it’s literal torture. Everything feeling out of my control when all of it is one giant fucking misunderstanding. His friends are turning me away no matter what I say, not like they give me the chance to talk. And when I show up to the frat, he’s “not there”. So instead I force my way into one of his frat’s parties that same night and MAKE HIM TALK TO ME.

[rrezshifts]

AN INTRODUCTION FOR my situationship reality,, a reality with a fwb relationship with messy and complicated feelings ( 1.2K words: ~4:25 min read )

THAÏSA LOU HERMÈS TORRES is days from graduating from Columbia University when her boyfriend of a few months breaks up with her because, and I quote, “There’s another woman…” that he’s fallen for. Hard to say if she’s heartbroken. Any person would be, right? Except she’s not distraught. No where close to it. She hasn’t necessarily been happy in that relationship. And everytime she tried to work it out with him, he’d be quite difficult. She was honestly starting to check out of the relationship she was in, just like her now ex had from the minute they got together.

The interesting thing about their relationship was that it was disrupted by a man named TOMMY SHEPHERD without him having to do much of anything. IT STARTED IN HIGH SCHOOL. Tommy and Thaïsa attending the same Manhattan public school, but were mostly unaware of each other. And Sam, Thaïsa’s now ex, attending another Manhattan public school. Both of these boys played for their school’s football teams. But everytime their school played Sam’s, they’d win, by a landslide. And Tommy was a major contributor to that fact. Sam started growing a resentment towards the blonde early on in those days. THEN UNIVERSITY CAME. And the three all attended Columbia University together. Sam got an offer to play football at Columbia, which he happily accepted. And when he found out Tommy was attending CU but wasn’t on the team he felt vindicated. He felt that he was finally better. Until he found out his sophomore year that Tommy was offered a place on the team but turned it down, and instead was now on the Track & Field team on campus. Sam’s resentment grew even more when he realized that football, and in turn beating Sam, meant so little to Tommy compared to how significant all of that was in Sam’s own life.

Fast forward to the February of their SPRING SEMESTER OF THEIR SENIOR YEAR, Thaïsa and Sam have met a couple months prior, and are starting to make things official. Thaïsa opens up about how she was seeing other people before they started going out, and some of those people were still her friends. Sam was accepting of that fact. Was secure enough to tell her that he didn’t mind if she maintained the friendships as long as that’s all she maintained. But he also wanted to be aware of who these people were. When Thaïsa shared that TOMMY WAS ONE OF THESE FRIENDS, Sam spiraled and blew up. Suddenly he cared. He told Thaïsa that she had to unfollow Tommy on everything and keep her distance from him. To which she hesitantly agreed. And when she explained this to Tommy so not to blindside him with her absence. He was understanding. BEHIND SAM’S SPIRAL WAS the inadequacy he felt with Tommy’s presence in his life. And when the girl he liked seemed to have an intimate relationship with him, he snapped. Feeling as if he couldn’t have one thing that wasn’t tainted by Tommy’s quote-unquote “perfection”. After that Sam checked out of the relationship himself. He became less interested in Thaïsa, but kept the relationship going if not to just spite Tommy. He grew some sort of enjoyment of going to events where Tommy was present and watching as Thaïsa all but ignored the man when he smiled or waved. But he couldn’t keep his act up forever, neither of them were happy, and he never truly began trying with their relationship in the first place. It was all doomed.

So Sam broke up with Thaïsa, like previously stated. MONDAY, MAY 18TH, 2026, two days before their college graduation, the relationship ended. Sam citing another woman he had fallen for, and had a possible chance with, as the reason. After the struggle that was the three month long relationship, Thaïsa wasn’t doing much mourning. Did it hurt? Of course it did. How can you not wonder about… “Why wasn’t I good enough?” or “Why her and not me?” in a situation like this. But Thaïsa didn’t want to stew in what she was feeling. She recognized her feelings as stupid, but she couldn’t help but drown in them. So she needed a distraction. And her first thought after that realization was Tommy Shepherd. TOMMY SHEPHERD SERVED AS A GOOD DISTRACTION before Sam came along. The two met officially the spring semester of their junior year. They had mutual friends who introduced them. They got along well, too well. When they were together they acted like the kids in the back of the class the teacher had to separate. They were rowdy and loud, and got along way too well. And one night, the summer before their senior year, their friendship shifted into something more. And the two’s friendship evolved into one with mutual benefits. They’d hook up frequently, but it didn’t affect their friendship. If anything it deepened it. And the nights Thaïsa had with Tommy served as great distractions from heavy course loads, exam stress, and shitty professors. So now, THIRTY MINUTES AFTER her now ex-boyfriend left her at a cheap shitty restaurant. She sat in her car as she scrolled through all of her social media accounts and followed Tommy Shepherd back on everything. And right as she rerouted back to iMessages to send Tommy a text, she gets a message from him on Instagram questioning her relationship status, and her intentions.

Honesty is the next to come from Thaïsa. And plans are made between the two for where to meet for “rebound sex”. And APPROXIMATELY A LITTLE 2 HOURS AFTER Thaïsa left the restaurant where her relationship ended. She laid next to Tommy as he asked her if they were back on for the foreseeable future. And she doesn’t hesitate as she affirms that question with an enthusiastic, “Yes.” Thaïsa will then graduate days later with plans to start the journey towards her masters degree at the same school come fall. Until then SHE’LL ENJOY HER SUMMER AMONGST HER FRIENDS, while in the new apartment with her best friend—that was moved into the weekend before the break up. Her relationship with Tommy will stretch on through the summer as well. Except Thaïsa will FALL FOR HIM early June, only to be brought down by the reminder straight from Tommy’s mouth that he has no plans of exclusivity with anyone anytime soon. Not that she tells him that’s what she wants. She just asks him about dating and relationships and his answer is enough to let her know that she can’t put all her eggs in one Tommy basket, lest they get crushed. So Thaïsa will start hooking up with other people too. Like she believes Tommy is. Because he is… at first. The moment he meets one of Thaïsa’s boy toys, though, is the moment the crushing realization that HE’S DREADFULLY IN LOVE WITH HER will hit him. He can’t bring himself to fuck anyone else after that. But he also can’t bring himself to do anything about how he’s feeling. Summer will move on as Tommy and Thaïsa equally struggle with their weird relationship, but neither dare to end any of it. Until Tommy can’t take it anymore and his feelings come out right on Thaïsa’s birthday in mid-August.

TAGLIST!! @laylasverse , @dessarchive , @girlfanged & @miiholic

[rrezshifts]

TIMELINE OF TOMMY FALLING in my portland romcom reality,, or a collection of diary entries from tommy’s pov that detail how he fell for me in tenth grade ( 1.7K words: ~6:10 read )

MON SEPT 16TH, 2019 [ 02:02 PM ]

Thaïsa held the door open for me as we walked into class today. And she smiled at me. I tried to ignore the weird feeling in my chest at the sight. And I tried to ignore the whiff of her perfume I got when the wind blew past us.

WED SEPT 18TH, 2019 [ 03:33 PM ]

I noticed Thaïsa watching me as I worked on my project in ceramics class. I felt hot under her stare. And I was so scared I’d screw something up as she watched me work. I also watched as she picked at the clay under her nails while she waited for school to let out. Her upper lip was scrunched to the top of her nose in what I think was focus. She looked cute, it was hard to look away.

THURS SEPT 19TH, 2019 [ 10:43 AM ]

We had to sit through a socratic seminar today in class. It was last minute and none of us were prepared. Except Thaïsa of course. I can tell she didn’t want to speak at all during it. But the teacher picked up on her preparedness and singled her out as much as she could get away with. Her voice is so smooth and sweet, I was glad when the teacher kept getting her to speak.

FRI SEPT 20TH, 2019 [ 10:01 AM & 02:56 PM ]

Thaïsa was also in the ceramics classroom for FLEX period today. She was working on her project and looked frustrated. If my memory served me right, she might have messed up her previous attempt I had seen her with and had to start over. I offered her my help and she took it. I tried not to touch her but it was hard to explain in words so she asked if I could guide her hands and I think my heart stopped the minute mine touched hers.

In our ceramics period I watched Thaïsa use the advice I gave her. And it was producing genuinely fantastic results. She noticed too, and when she decided she was finished for the day she came up to me and thanked me. I could feel my heart in my throat as she continued the conversation to ask me about my project. And I could feel my nerves ravaging me as she then asked if she could pull up a chair and talk for the remainder of the period. Despite my anxiety I found it hard to say no to her. Because I didn’t want to.

SUN SEPT 22ND, 2019 [ 04:39 PM ]

I had practically stalked Thaïsa’s instagram stories all weekend. I had found out she was hanging out with my brother today and tried to position myself to be perfectly spotted in our living room from the front door for when they got back. It worked out because when they did get back she smiled at me as soon as she spotted me when walking in, and it felt like I was shot at the sight of it. My brother left to take out the trash per our mother’s request and she sat at the edge of the couch by my feet and made conversation with me. It was in that moment I noticed that her glasses shrunk her eyes. I wanted to study her for ages. And I got my wish. Because my mother invited her over for dinner and she accepted. And I got to stare at her from across the table as she rambled on when asked questions while I shoveled my face with food. She made eye contact with me a few times. I think I almost choked after one of them.

MON SEPT 23RD, 2019 [ 11:43 AM ]

This week we had presentations in our english class. Thaïsa was the first to go. And she carried herself so well up there. It was like I was watching a professional speaker instead of a 10th grade english presentation. Her tone was competent, yet airy. Her voice was velvety, yet sweet. And she spoke like she had her whole speech memorized even though we were allowed to use notecards and she even had her own in her hands. At the end of the period I gathered the courage to walk up to her while we waited by the door for the bell to release us for lunch. I complimented her on her willingness to go first for shit like this when nearly everyone always wanted to go last. She told me something along the lines of, “I get anxious presenting, so getting it over with helps me relax for the rest of the week.” I think I looked shocked by that, if her amused face told me anything, because I was. I doubt anyone could pick up on any amount of nerves when she was at the front of the class, I couldn’t begin to imagine that she was remotely nervous during her allotted time. When I told her that—astonishment in my voice—she giggled. And my whole body burnt up like a furnace.

TUES SEPT 24TH, 2019 [ 2:41 PM ]

Thaïsa asked for my help in ceramics class again. She had an idea for a project but didn’t know how to start it so she came up to me to ask me for advice. I gave it way too willingly. I think my excitement might’ve been a bit too noticeable. But she didn’t say anything, thankfully. She asked me if she was moving her hand correctly at one point. She wasn’t. And before I could think any better I moved her hand over the clay with mine. Once my hand came off hers, the classroom phone rang and the teacher told her that she was leaving early. Once she cleaned up and left, a strange part of me felt empty. I missed her company and being able to look at her during the breaks from my work. I didn’t realize how much I looked foward to her in my day. Or how much I’d mourn the fifty minutes of her presence I lost, until I lost it. No matter how pathetic that might sound.

WED SEPT 25TH, 2019 [ 10:47 PM ]

After presentations our teacher had us discuss in groups some questions she wrote out about the source material. Thaïsa was in my group since she sits right in front of me, so our tables were grouped together. I actually tried adding my input. I’m always worried I’ll say something stupid. But Thaïsa looked at me while I talked like I was saying the most interesting things. She was actively listening to me anytime I spoke. And that fact increased my confidence. And when I stopped talking, the things she had to say about the things I said. It’s like she heard and took in every word. Maybe I’m crazy for being so excited over that. I don’t know. The other thing is that I mentioned to the group that I didn’t understand the connection between the message of the book and some of the chapters in it. And Thaïsa offered to explain it to me after class, which made my heart beat fast in my chest. And when she stopped me on the way out of class, and walked with me to the cafeteria so she could explain, like she said she would, I could feel my heart in my throat.

THURS SEPT 26TH, 2019 [ 03:02 PM ]

Near the end of class me and Thaïsa ended up finishing our projects and putting them in the kiln at the same time. She complimented my work as it went in, and I complimented hers back. She smiled at me when she said thank you. She was also quick to try and make conversation after that and walked back to my table with me. She must’ve thought she was overstepping because she seemed to panic as she rambled out, “Oh sorry! I can leave you alone if you want.” I immediately thought, ‘I don’t want’. But instead of speaking those words out loud, I just smiled, shook my head, and assured her she wasn’t bothering me and invited her to sit next to me. She did, and we talked for the remainder of the class period. She asked me so many questions about myself, and apologized if I had already answered them in the past. But I couldn’t care less if I had. Because her interest in me was making me feel crazy.

FRI SEPT 27TH, 2019 [ 11:49 PM ]

We had presentations again today, and I watched as Thaïsa listened intently. She picked at the skin on her arms while she did. It’s a cute little habit I’ve noticed she does. I caught myself unconsciously tapping my own arm in the same spot after staring too long. After the presentations we had group discussions again, with the same groups as before. I watched her lips move as she talked. She had put what I think was lipgloss on today, and it made her lips shine. I couldn’t keep my eyes away. Especially when her lips would stick together a bit as she started to talk. When I realized I might be staring too much I got self conscious that others could notice. But then she smiled and that worry was far from my mind. We had a bit of time left after group discussions so our teacher started explaining our next project which was a group project. I tried looking around the room for who I could group together with. But before I could find anyone when our teacher released us to create our groups, Thaïsa turned around and asked me if I wanted to join her and her friend’s group. My heart rate became what felt erratic in my chest as I just nodded and, more awkwardly than I’d like, agreed. They talked about their plans for the project. But I wasn’t listening. I was too stuck in my own thoughts and realizations that I was crushing way too hard on Thaïsa if not just fully and dreadfully in love with her.

TAGLIST!! @laylasverse @dessarchive @girlfanged & @miiholic ( I forgot it when i first posted whoops )

[rrezshifts]

COMING CLEAN TO NEW FRIENDS in my brother’s best friend reality,, or me walking home from a party with my fwb and his best friends after they met the man i’m in love with ( 1.2K words: ~4:29 min read )

FRI OCTOBER 6, 2022 11:38 PM — The Streets of Manhattan

Grant found me talking with Rhys when him and his friends were finally ready to leave about thirty minutes before midnight. I said my goodbyes to the dark blonde next to me, then followed Grant outside where the other three boys were waiting. As we walked down the house steps, I was handed a bottle of something alcoholic along with the words, “For your troubles.”

I took it from him, twisted the cap off, took a sip, then muttered a, “Thank you.”

Grant smiled at me before taking it off my hands explaining to a newly confused me, “We’re…” he started, motioning at the five of us in front of this brownstone, “…sharing it though,” he watched me roll my eyes so he started explaining again with a smile, “Can’t have you too drunk for our plans, hm?” Then he took his own sip from the bottle, only to hand it to Howard when we made it over to them.

Now we’re six minutes into the over fifteen minute walk and I have the bottle in my hand, taking a sip while walking ahead of the four boys. I blindly stick the bottle behind me for someone to take. And it’s grabbed from me, but I don’t check from who as I just stay the course to their dorm.

“You know where you’re going?” I hear Josh from behind me, it’s a playful question.

I snort at it, “I do,” I say, “I also know what street we’re on, believe it or not.”

Josh chuckles at my answer, “That’s great, because I was wondering.”

I sneak a glance back at him as I give him an unamused grimace of a smile. There’s a bit of silence after I turn forward again. But then I hear Grant speak up, “Sooo…” he draws out his starter, “Tommy’s pretty cool.”

I can see right through him. Because Grant barely met the man, and their interactions weren’t exactly world changing. “Was he now?” Any person could hear how unconvinced I was by this.

Grant chuckles awkwardly, “Yeah so um, here’s a question,” his voice is hesitant, like he doesn’t want to ask this question. And I don’t want him to either. Because by the sound of it, and with what our usual conversation surrounding my ‘family friend’ usually is. I have a feeling this isn’t something I want to be asked by him, especially around his friends. “You do actually like Tommy don’t you?”

And there it is, the question I was dreading. “I’m not dignifying that with an answer,” I tell him.

“That kind of just answers my question, doesn’t it?” Grant throws that back at me, and I turn around to glare at him as I snatch the bottle of alcohol from Howard’s hands.

I turn forward as I start to drink from it. “This silence is really telling, isn’t it Grant?” Josh jokes.

And it makes me snap, “Okay! Fuck! Sure, I like him! Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter anyway,” I grumble as I take another sip, then thrust the bottle behind me again, “I’ll get over him at some point.” The anxiety in my gut is getting to me. It’s intense and eating me up inside. I didn’t want to talk about this. With Grant. And especially not with his friends.

Patrick speaks up from just about next to me as he asks me, “And how long have you been trying to get over him already?”

The anxiety stewing in my gut spikes at that question. I’m silent for a while. Way too long, in all honesty. “That doesn’t matter,” I mumble out.

Patrick snorts out a laugh as he says, “Seems like it does,” under his breath. He knows I can hear him, so when I send a glare his way, he just smiles at me.

“No, she’s right,” Grant begins, his words aimed at Patrick, “It doesn’t matter.” Then I feel as his words become pointed towards me, “Because he’s obviously into you too.”

As soon as those words leave his mouth I groan loud. I don’t say anything though. That groan was the only thing that left my mouth before Howard asks, “What was that about?” right after.

The frustration from Grant’s statement dissolves from my body as the anxiety comes back with the intense need to not admit this one thing. “…Nothing,” I say awkwardly, “It’s about nothing.”

No one is convinced by that, and I don’t have to look back at any of them to know that. Grant waves his finger from behind me, “Noooo,” he says, “No, it’s about something.”

I hold back the urge to groan again as I just stare out in front of me hoping a car rolls over into me. And that hope get’s even stronger as I hear Patrick start to chant, “Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.”

And I just want whatever this is to be over immediately. “Jesus! Okay!” I yell, I’m silent for a second or two before I sigh and start again, “It’s just annoying constantly hearing that from the people in my life.”

“Hearing what?” Josh asks, asking for clarification that he knows he doesn’t need.

I mumble out my answer to him, “That Tommy likes me…”

Grant sounds astounded when he reacts to my answer with, “I’m sorry, you have people constantly telling you this, and you what? Don’t believe them?” His question is genuine. Because he doesn’t understand why I could be so annoyed by that when I like the man. Because obviously I should be ecstatic that I have multiple people telling me what I should want to hear.

I sigh, and it almost sounds sad with the defeat lacing the breath, “It’s not about a lack of belief,” I start, “I can see where people get that idea from, don’t get me wrong.” My hand runs down the front of my neck as an act of self-soothing, “It’s just…” I begin again, “I’m being realistic.”

“Realistic?” Grant asks.

“Realistic,” I affirm, then I sigh again, “I’ve been friends with Tommy since I was quite literally brought into this world.” My eyes are staring off into the distance as I speak, my mind lazily tracking where we are as I think I’m not even tipsy enough for this conversation.

“And we’ve been as thick as thieves for about 18 years now. Everyone has an idea of what friends look like at a couple years, or maybe even a decade, but someone’s whole life? That’s different.” My hand is pulling at the skin on my wrist as I explain this, “Our friendship has always been unique, since we were toddlers, then kids, then tweens, then teens, and now.”

I run a hand through my hair as I try and ignore the feeling of eight eyes on my back, and also try and ignore the urge to turn around and find out what they’re thinking by the looks on their faces. “Again, I can understand why people tell me this, trust me, I’m not blind to what other people see. But it’s just not that simple.”

When I finish it’s still silent, so I take the risk and look behind me at Grant, “Does that make sense?”

Grant nods haphazardly, “Yeah, it does,” he says quietly.

“Cool,” I mutter back as I try to avoid the other three boy’s eyes as my vision moves back to in front of me.

MEMOS!! this is taken straight from my script! but i wanted to share because it gives insight into how i view tommy’s possible feelings for me through the person in my life who kind of disrupts things

TAGLIST!! @laylasverse , @dessarchive , @girlfanged & @miiholic

[rrezshifts]

COLLEGE REALITY SHERMÈS EDIT W/ UNDER YOUR SPELL REMIX ℘ the peculiar ( not ) case of shermès’ first face time call + an excerpt of the origin of the contact name

6 DAYS BEFORE the events of the edit, Mon October 9th, 2023

I was sitting in Tommy’s room, on Tommy’s bed. And we both sat against his headboard, talking. We had heard a knock on the door, stopping our conversation as one of Tommy’s frat brothers came in to ask him for a favor. Tommy was quick to agree, always willing to help, and followed the other man out of the room promising me he’d be right back.

I just nodded and smiled as I watched him leave. Then sat on his bed, impatiently waiting, doing nothing—I’d rather sit and think than grab my phone and scroll while I wait—until I got too impatient, and reached over to grab Tommy’s phone with the need to leave something ‘out of place’. His phone was easy to unlock. I had somehow managed to remember his password after he had told me a few weeks back.

I opened his contacts, looking through them, trying to find mine. I looked under ‘T’ for Theo, then ‘H’ for Hermès. When I couldn’t find myself under either of those, that resulted in me starting to go down his entire contacts list looking at names and pictures to find myself. It didn’t take long for me to find myself. I spotted a contact photo that was a picture Tommy had taken of me for my instragram. When my eyes shifted to the contact name, it was under ‘brown eyes’.

A part of me couldn’t really believe it, it was very sweet and romantic, so I opened his messages app to check if it was actually me. My heart was fluttering in my chest as I found the same contact pinned to the top of his text conversations. And when opened it had our last texts sent to each other. It was hard not to smile to myself at the romance of it all.

I had originally planned to change my contact name to something more cute, only to find he had already done that himself. But I still wanted to leave something out of place. So instead I merely opened up the contact, went to edit it and added a ‘💕’, my go to heart emoji. Which Tommy knows, I wanted him to know it was me—who else could it be. And a part of me almost wanted to brand him with it too.

When I finished, I put Tommy’s phone back where I had found it, then pulled mine out. I opened my contacts to find his. And at this moment in time, his contact was under ‘tommy’. But I changed it to ‘dickwad’ with the same heart emoji at the end, for us to match in our sweetness.

When Tommy gets back, we sit and talk to each other some more. And I’m itching for him to see the change I made. Not wanting to leave before I can see his reaction, then in turn not be with him when he notices. I almost want to tell him myself, hint at it. But I stay silent, letting it happen naturally. Which it does. He gets a text from his brother, which prompts him to need to text his mother. And as he leaves the text conversation with his brother, he sees my contact and the change to it.

He abandons texting his mother at the sight, and he looks up at me and finds me staring at him with feigned curiosity on my face. His eye’s squint as he questions me, “Did you touch my phone?”

A smile broke onto my face, not able to keep up the innocence act, “Maybeee…” I hum out. He just stares back at me as a small smile creeps onto his face. I continue to explain after some silence, “Was gonna change my name to something cute, because I was bored, turns out you beat me to it. So, I just added a heart.”

His smile grows wider, and a small dusting of pink appears on his face, “God, that makes me want to kiss you so bad.”

I fake a grimace, as I say, “You won’t when you find out what I changed yours to.”

I’m teasing him at this point, and he can tell so he he’s still smiling, despite the negative implications, when he asks, “What did you change mine to?” I open my phone and show him his contact sitting on top of our messages “Dickwad…” he mutters. Not upset, mind you, he’s still smiling. Even if it’s small now, it’s still genuine.

I hear his muttering to himself, and reach over to my phone to point at the name, “With a heart,” I say matter of factly. His smile twitches at the ends like he’s fighting it from growing too large. He hands me my phone back, then picks his back up on instinct. I’m still leaning close to him as he looks like he’s about to say something else, but I interrupt him before he can, “I also saw you have me pinned.” I poke at his arm as I say it.

His tone is almost offended as he asks, “Are you saying you don’t have my contact pinned?”

I laugh and roll my eyes, “No I do,” I start. Despite Tommy’s nearly perfect ability to hide how his heart rate picked up as well as the hurt on his face and voice at the thought of the lack of reciprocity. I saw his shoulders slouch and his whole body detense when I confirmed the opposite. “Easy sex is easy sex,” I continue, and then he snorts a laugh as he shoves me playfully in response. I can’t help the laugh that escapes me at the action. “No, I just didn’t think I would make the cut.”

He smiles at me, reassurance in his voice and on his face as he tells me, “Of course you do.” But then his face and tone shifts and he puts on a playful act to tease me back, “And despite all the shit you’ve just said to me, I still want to kiss you very badly,” his nose and lips scrunches up in a way that almost says, ‘kinda sucks doesn’t it’.

And I roll my eyes as I tap my cheek, communicating that he can kiss me there and only there. He places a single kiss to my cheek before grabbing my face and placing kisses all over it. I’m squealing at the sudden action and the continuous feeling of his lips tickling my face. “Agh! Okay, okay! That’s enough!” And with that he finally pulls away. But when he does, he’s looking at me with a wide smile, and a very red face.

[rrezshifts]

HIS JOY in my boy next door reality,, or an ( 676 words: ~2:28 min read ) excerpt for @withluvvenus’ emotions shiftblr activity except… dun dun dun! i’m not only posting about my emotions in my realities.

PREAMBLE 𑜷 At this moment in time ( Oct. 20th, 2021 ) me and Tommy have been “practicing kissing”, with an occasional something something more, for nearly a month. We’ve been friends for a little while longer—since July. I’m not yet aware that I’m in love with him. He’s been painfully aware of his feelings for me well before we were even talking to each other. Right now though, we’re just in a fun little dynamic that he enjoys way too much. While subsequently trying to ignore all the dread he feels over our “no feelings” rule that he agreed to despite already harboring intense ones.

I knew he spent his flex periods in here. Why he doesn’t skip school when our flex period ends the school day like the rest of us, I’ll never understand. I mean he’s told me. And his claims that, “School is a better setting for studying,” only make me more sure he would spend the night here if they wouldn’t inevitably kick him out before 5pm. But I can’t have him be that lame.

So now I’m testing my luck with him to see if I can get him to abandon his studies to hang out with me instead. If you asked me a couple months ago, I wouldn’t like my odds. But I feel like my chances have improved drastically since then.

I slide into the chair next to him, and the feet screech across the ground loudly. I wince, and watch his head whip towards me. “Theodore,” I mutter stiffly and through an awkward cough as I nod my head at him.

A smile quirks at his lips while he looks back to the papers in front of him, shaking his head. “Thomas,” he greets me back.

Excitment is vibrating inside me at how close it feels I am to spending time with him. The lack of annoyance is already a fantastic sign. I rest my elbow on the table next to him then lean my head on my hand, propping myself up in his peripheral vision. “Come hang out with me,” I offer.

“Now?” He looks up at me, taking in my face. I like watching his eyes roam me. I like to imagine he’s enjoying what he’s seeing, like I’m a work of art he’d analyze at a museum.

I hum out my answer, “Mhm.” But ultimately am patient as he takes in my invitation, thinking it over while his thumb plays with his mechanical pencil. Clicking the lead out, then pushing it back in against his thigh.

His eyes are studying the papers and notebooks in front of him like they’re gonna give him the answers he wants. He scratches the back of his neck then looks towards me again, “What would we do?”

I smile wide, I’m closer than I’ve ever gotten before to stealing Theo away from school work. And my optimism is soaring at this moment. “Get a sweet treat, then head back to your place?”

He chucks his pencil on his stack of notebooks, and his arms cross over his chest. “It’s rude to invite yourself over to people’s houses, fyi.”

I sigh dramatically then shove my legs onto his lap. This is a very unstable, and honestly uncomfortable, position. But it adds to my charming yet annoying persona that I’m fairly sure is Theo’s kryptonite, so it’s full speed ahead.

My optimism grows when his hands go to rest on my legs as I tell him, “Yeah well Billy is probably at our house already, sooooo…”

A small chuckle that I almost can’t hear escapes his mouth, “I’m fucking with you Shep, yeah those plans sound nice.”

I rip my legs of his lap, my shoes doing more damage to his thighs that I would have liked, but I’m too excited to apologize. Leaning in, I blurt out a “Really!?”

His hands move slowly and meticulously, slipping pencils and highlighters into their case, closing his notebooks, filing papers into folder and binders, and stacking them all in front of him. He’s smiling to himself as he does this, “Yes really. You’re paying though.”

I nod so quick and messily, I don’t know how I don’t get dizzy. “Of course,” I spill, “I offered, it’s my treat.”

He just hums, letting me know he heard me. With his school stuff in his backpack now. He turns to me in his chair, our knees are touching and it’s all my brain can focus on until…

“Is there another treat you’re giving me when we get to my place?”

The smile that was permanently etched on my face during this whole conversation practically splits my head in two when it grows into a grin after I hear that question. “If you assumed otherwise, you’re not as smart as you claim to be.”