REMEMBERING AND REALIZING in my hockey romance reality,, or a ( 1.4K word: ~5:20 ) rewrite of a diary entry I wrote for an edit [ FOUND HERE ] about Tommy acting out after he got jealous.
KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW, and being where I am now, things start to make sense. Moments that confused and confounded me become an aha! moment that I feel stupid for being blind to. I’ve been having a lot of those moments recently. Tommy had told me that it’s been the same for him. And we laugh about those moments together. For instance, I just shared with Tommy about one particular week that stumped me, annoyed me, and quite nearly stressed me the fuck out. It wasn’t too long ago that this had happened. Was probably weeks before me and Tommy realized our relationship into something more legitimate.
Tommy had been acting more bratty than usual for almost a week. Rolled eyes, sneers, and attitude where it wasn’t warranted. It was annoying for sure. But it also translated decently well into our more intimate moments. So while I was becoming tired from his actions. It was hard not to feel a little bit thankful amongst that fatigue.
I had tried to put a stop to it, though, mind you. By just trying to talk to Tommy about it like an adult. But he wanted to act like a child. I’d ask what’s going on with him, why he was so snappy and argumentative. And then he would just deny that he was and get cold with me. That never lasted though. Even if he continued to be bratty he couldn’t ice me out for too long. He doesn’t like the silent treatment because that means he has to be silent. And silence isn’t a personal strength of his.
At the time I was just ticked off. I didn’t know why he was doing this. And I would have been okay with not knowing if his behavior had made some sort of move towards dissipating. Either by changing, chilling out, evolving, or just shifting at some points. But everything was consistent, his snarky comments and pissy attitude all stood strong. And I couldn’t handle it.
I had missed the Tommy I was used to. It was hard not to. That Tommy touched me with care and gentleness. And at this moment in time he barely touched me. And when he did it was like he didn’t even want to. Like it was all for the show of our fake relationship, and as soon as a person was out of sight he’d snatch his hand away from me. I missed the Tommy that would look at me with stars in his eyes, instead of the dead, annoyed, or empty ones; if he even looked my way at all.
I had missed the Tommy that would smile and joke with me. That would strive to make me laugh. I missed the joy and bubbly presence he so often had with me. It was not only frustrating to go without that, but it was just about heart breaking to go without the thing I loved about him for so long. Especially when it made me feel loved myself.
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I DID GET SOME INSIGHT THOUGH. One of Tommy’s frat brothers, Josh, pulled me aside to talk to me when I visited the frat house Wednesday night. He had told me that Tommy had apparently come up to him drunk at the party we went to the Friday before. He was mumbling various somethings about Xander and I. Like how much he disapproved of our time spent together, how he hated how much time I spent with him, and how he hated seeing us together in general. His annoyance had turned to sadness as he told josh that this was gonna, and I quote, “…ruin his week.”
I had personally remembered that night more positively. Tommy saw Xander eyeing me, whispered in my ear that he was gonna open the floor for him, then he walked away. I had talked to Xander for nearly an hour before I slipped myself out of the conversation and tried to find Tommy again. In the midst of failing to find him, I discovered a text from him that he had left the party early. And the feeling I remember having was just disappointment that he didn’t say goodbye.
After that I don’t know what I was thinking. Don’t know how I could be so dense. I had thought that maybe he was just attached, getting a sort of separation anxiety because we spend so much time together. Because hell I’m the same way. I can talk to a person for hours, but after less than one with Xander and without Tommy, I just wanted him back. I guess maybe I was projecting my own experience onto his.
I assumed he was being bitter over me ignoring our friendship needs for so long. And I knew he was needy. He knew he was needy but he never really liked delving into that. So my assumptions kept me from talking to him about it. Didn’t plan to, didn’t want to. I wasn’t going to force a conversation or his own explanation out of him when it’s not necessary or needed.
My plan instead was to reassure him. To force myself into his life and his bubble a little more. Give him the attention he wanted from me. The attention he felt he had missed. Because Tommy, even on his worst day, will tell you he’s happy and content with what you’re giving him. What the relationship is feeding into him, he will say suffices. But I had always noticed how happy he gets when his plate is overflowing. He thrives on receiving a little too much, to where it might even be a little too intense.
It inevitably worked. I cuddled up to him even when he was being a bitch. I let myself search for him in the quiet moments, even if it was his avoidance that had us there. I talked with him even if every response that came after was attitude. Because his responses would turn sweet as I kept talking. The quiet moments would jump up an octave, as he started searching for my presence too. And he’d reach out to me with sweet and gentle touches instead of icy words meant to wound. Add in the bit of praise and body worship on that one fateful night. And he was a puddle in my hands by the end of the week.
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AGAIN, I CAN’T CLAIM TO BE the smartest person at UCLA with my analysis of this whole ordeal at the time. But now I see it for what it was. He was as jealous as anyone would be. I would usually talk to Xander for at most fifteen minutes. But as fifteen turned to thirty turned to forty-five. Tommy’s drinks added up one after the other too. He got drunk to escape the icky green monster tearing him up inside. And instead jealousy turned to depression, which turned to anger.
It’s clear now that he liked me at this point. And he hated seeing me with the man that would inevitably replace him. Because that’s what our relationship was for right? To get me the man. And there I was, getting him, and replacing Tommy. And, at that moment, he never felt more sick at a realization in his life. I have to commend him for how strong he is. If he loved me as much as I loved him, god knows I wouldn’t survive what he went through.
Tommy shared with me his regret over how he responded to his jealousy, though. When we talked and rehashed this brief stint between us, he didn’t seem proud of how he acted. Of course he wouldn’t, he had already apologized to me the moment I snapped him out of it. And he made it up to me by doubling his affection as an apology for what he left me lacking with.
Tommy is a good, emotional, and sensitive man. As much as I felt hurt during that week, worried that he was beginning to be done with me. A part of me knew that wasn’t that case. Because I think I trusted him to be honest with me if he was. It made more sense that this man was being a dick for a brief moment in time, then it would have for him to not communicate to me that he didn’t want to do this anymore.
And look! I was right! Because now I’m in a super hot, sweet, romantic, and real relationship with this hunk of man and we’re super fucking happy. I can now with confidence say that Tommy would rather be the car accident that backs up LA traffic to a standstill while being reincarnated as a driver in the back of said standstill than end things with me… his words.
MEMOS!! Right so I meant to stick to the original 400 word count but I have a habit of rambling unfortch… I’m so sorryyy!! No pressure to read all of this, unless you already have then whoops!
TAGS!! @laylasverse , @dracuthea , @emiismp3 , @ardenshifts , @bambieyesshifts & @doomedkii ( bringing tags/dts back, additions are always welcome!! )
