Post-St. Creek draft
(Working title: One of the Hardest Things to Say)
“Ren, hey. Hold on a second.” Lugina called out.
“What now?”
“Before we head back to the city, I need to talk to you about something.”
Ren turned and walked back towards him. “Yeah?”
“Uhm...” Lugina fidgeted; he crossed his arms and uncrossed them, put his hand on his hip and scratched the back of his head, hunching over and straightening his back, and tapped his foot frantically, done in no particular order. All the while, he did not even look at his coworker save for passing glances, and she was quickly growing impatient.
“Lugina.” Ren said sternly.
“Give...Give me a minute here!” He shouted. “I-I just lost what I was about to say, that’s all!”
“Well, hurry up and find it. We’re burning daylight.” She started walking away. “This doesn’t sound like an emergency, so you can tell me back home instead.”
“Shut it! Don’t make this harder than it already is!” When he heard Ren’s annoyed growl, he immediately pulled back. “Wait, shit, no. I meant--” He exhaled harshly. “Look. I just want to say I’m so--I want to apologize.” He said, slow and strained, clenching his fist and struggling to even look at her.
Ren turned around, crossed her arms, and raised an eyebrow. “Okay? For what?” Her eyes were trained on his, no matter how many times he averted them; critical and watchful, like her death-glares, but also patient, awaiting his answer.
“For...everything...Fuck, since...” He met her gaze again, and stayed. “Since Nebulous, I’ve been having these fucking thoughts...Shitting on you and Karl back then...That...” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “That was just fucking uncalled for. I regretted saying what I said then as soon as I got back to Elgaia. Right after...I just brushed that thought aside, but it kept fucking coming back. Every time I saw you two together, and every time I saw you pissed at me, what I said kept eating at me. It...It’s just that--Aw, gods, this is all gonna piss you off so much...” He groaned.
“You say that like you haven’t already before without even giving a shit. Go on.” Ren replied matter-of-factually. Her expression softened slightly. “I’m still listening.”
Lugina ran his hands through his hair. “It...pissed me off seeing that little--him already with a girl before me, and one who got her fame by fucking killing all the Fallen Gods no godsdamn less. He already has Old Man Grahdens, and nobody shuts up about how ‘great and perfect’ he is. Meanwhile, even though I’m so talented as fuck, I still had to work my ass off to get his level of recognition. So of course I’m gonna shit on him when something goes wrong in his life. And you’re his girlfriend, so I went after you, too. Before Nebulous, I thought all I would ever need are power and connections, and that’d be enough to get me anywhere and anything I wanted. But after, I’ve been doing a lot of rethinking: the Federation I grew up in taught me a lot of harsh lessons, but...I think that’s because of how much Rahnas controlled and influenced by the time I was born; gradually building itself into a war machine with the power to take over the Empire just to show that you fucking can. I saw his shit first-hand when I used to work under him, and I was still a teenager back then. But today’s people in Randall? They’re different. It’s not just power and connections that’ll get you noticed. So, I guess that’s why everyone likes your boyfriend so much; why you like him so much. It’s so clear as day how much you two fucking love each other.” He chuckled. “It’s almost too much to even look at. You deserve to be happy together.”
Silence fell between the two of them after he had finished. Ren had closed her eyes to process his apology, only to open them when she was about to reply.
“It’s nice to see you be actually sorry and full of regret,” Ren finally said, “but, I won’t accept your apology--”
“What the fuck? Come on, I’m shit at this stuff!” Lugina groaned. “I go out of my way to apologize for all the times I’ve been a fucking dick, and--”
“Oh my gods, let me finish!” Ren shouted back. They stared at each other until they both had calmed down.
“I won’t accept your apology until you apologize to him, too.” Ren said evenly. “Also, you’re an idiot if you really thought he was so perfect and had an easier life. I’ve known him much longer than you have, and he has his flaws, too.” She locked his eyes into hers. “He’s a sweetheart, but he keeps his distance with people he doesn’t know well, and has some awareness when people are trying to get close to him for...certain reasons. He can be emotionally dense, but he’s learning to get over that. When he wants to avoid a topic, he gets dodgy. You know that one. And...He saw from the sidelines what I went through when we were kids. Just by choosing to be my friend, it painted a target on his back. His saving graces were that he just is a good person to everyone, and that he had Grahdens, who everyone in our hometown knew was an Elder Summoner.”
Lugina rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, I guess...i guess that’s fair.”
A few moments passed.
“You know, Lugina,” Ren said, “you could use more positive reinforcement when you decided to actually swallow your pride and not be a complete asshole. So, I’m proud of you for going out of your way to apologize. Verbally.”
“Yeah. You’re...being a lot more mature about this than I was expecting. You’re not making any jokes...innuendos...bullshit.”
Ren shrugged. “Give me immaturity, and I’ll give it right back.”
“Yeah, that’s also fair. Explains a fuckton, now that you actually said it. Uh, you’re not like this with your students, are you?”
“Of course not. Only with peers, because my peers ought to know better. Students don’t, that’s why they’re students. And in training. Not everyone’s a born prodigy, you know. You’re gonna have to buck up and slow down if you ever decide to take on a trainee.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
Ren raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”
“I don’t know? I’ve never...taken one on before. I left behind all that ‘Zelban’ shit and thought I wasn’t gonna pass on anything. I only take the best and brightest from your Academy; ones who seemed like they already know how shit goes.”
“Oh, and one more thing.” She waited to have Lugina’s full attention, her eyes full of severity. “Just because you apologized doesn’t always mean you’ll be forgiven, especially if whoever you’ve wronged doesn’t think you’re worth it. Getting angry makes you seem less genuine to anyone who doesn’t have a critical eye like me.”
[Author’s note: Fuck, this is getting long. But the next scene after they return to Randall is that Lugina does offer to treat her to a meal, since they got back around dinner. It turns out, he’s offering a home-cooked one back at his place. They talk about this and that while he’d cooking, one of which being how neither really accept kitchen help, but Ren is starting to change that with Karl. She also offers to make him something in return and also so he can try her cooking.]











