I always find myself running away from God, especially when life gets tough and everything feels too heavy to carry. Instead of leaning into Him, instead of seeking comfort in His presence, I pull away. I distract myself, bury myself in everything but Him, convincing myself that I can handle it on my own. Deep down, I think I know why I do this, but facing that truth terrifies me.
Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I let Him in completely. Afraid that He’ll ask me to confront the parts of myself I’ve spent so long avoiding. The wounds I’ve tried to pretend don’t exist, the fears I’ve buried under layers of distraction and denial. Or maybe, I’m scared that if I truly surrender, I’ll lose control—control that I’ve held onto for so long, even when it’s been slowly destroying me.
And yet, in those quiet moments when I’m exhausted from running, when I’m too tired to pretend anymore, I feel Him still there. Waiting. Not with anger or disappointment, but with the same love and patience He’s always shown me. It’s in those moments that I realize He’s not asking me to be perfect, just present. To stop running and just be.
But choosing to stay, to face what’s inside me and let Him work in me, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s easier to run, to push Him away, to stay in the cycle of fear and avoidance. But I don’t want to keep living like this. I don’t want to keep running. I want to trust that His love is bigger than my fears, that His grace is enough even when I feel like I’m not.
But I can’t!
