A very compelling story about a very interesting girl. Lulu Wilson does an excellent job as an exasperated teenager, glad she got over that evil doll and becoming a medium… but those are two other Lulu Wilson movies. Joel McHale is a much better father than he was in It’s A Wonderful Knife (ha) and Kevin James will haunt me as a neo-nazi. An interesting and messed up thriller about a very capable young girl.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Trigger Warning Racism
We meet Becky who is a very miserable 13-year-old because this past year her mother has passed away from some illness and her father (Joel McHale) apparently has already started dating again (wack). Becky and her dad take a trip to the family lake house which is all well and good until the new girlfriend and her young son arrive. It is announced at dinner they plan to get married and Becky loses it completely, storming out of the house and into her little clubhouse in the woods. Meanwhile, nearby, dangerous convicts are running loose and wouldn’t you know there comes a knock at our good family's door… Who enters but Kevin James playing our lead neo-nazi and can I just say he was chilling as the leader. I wasn’t sure how he was going to pan out but the man freaked me out, I loved it. Anyway, they LET HIM IN THEIR HOME which is wild and then he starts saying some pure race stuff that makes everyone else uncomfortable so they demand he leaves but by this point his powerful lap dog, Apex, is there and the guns come out and no one is going anywhere.
Becky is able to remain hidden for a while and they are even able to pretend she is just the family dog when her name is brought up by the little boy but her human backpack and phone in her human bedroom give her away in the end. Our Becky is clever, she catches on to what is happening and stays out of the main house, avoiding capture and instead is able to make plans in the woods. At this point all four (4) bad guys are convinced Becky knows where the key is (the key is the item they came to the house to steal). While Becky doesn’t know the significance of the key she does have the key but still doesn’t want to give it up to these evil men. The baddies decide that they can lure Becky out by torturing her father so they heat up a marshmallow skewer and go to town on him. This almost makes Becky come out of hiding but Papa Joel McHale does some sick moves of his own and semi-escapes. He is able to tell Becky he loves her before he is shot dead by Kevin James so Becky gouges out one of Kevin James’ eyes with the very key he wants so badly.
Back in the safety of the woods but devastated by the death of her father, Becky has to come up with a new plan. Kevin James is furious after losing his eye and commands his boys to get Becky. The first goon tries to get her but isn’t very interested in killing a kid it seems so he offers a deal to her that she doesn’t want to take so instead she stabs him to death with school supplies. Our second goon is the larger one who was slower in the chase but he was trying to avenge his dead friend. They make it to the docks where a fight ensues and he gets pushed into the water where Becky runs him over with a motor. Yikes. Now it is just down to Kevin James and Apex and Apex is having very mixed feelings on killing more kids because they already killed two today (earlier). At first Apex and Becky fight but he gives up and lets her go, asking her to give up her murder quest too but she kinda laughs at that because she still needs to take down the worst guy of all, the one who shot her dad.
Back in the house the fiancée and her kid are doing the best they can to stay calm and they even help keep Kevin James from seeing Becky at one point which was very cool (even though it resulted in pain for them). Becky lures Kevin James outside where he is attacked by her dog, Diego (who has been largely locked up all movie so he didn’t get shot) and then Becky attempts to run Kevin James over with a car but he dodges it. Her car hits a tree and roadside assistance is called meaning the police are finally coming! Yay! Especially because Kevin James has caught up to Becky and is choking her out, oh no! But wait! Apex charges Kevin James! No more child killing he says! With his help, Becky is able to run Kevin James’ head over with some terrible lawn equipment that just shredded his face clean off. Gross! And for good measure she shot Apex because he was also a bad fucking dude, let’s be honest. Our movie ends with her meeting back up with the fiancée and her kid then it cuts to Becky at the police station giving her statement about what exactly happened and her lying through her teeth. That’s our Becky!
Title: A Very Cool Christmas.
Year of Release: 2004.
Available On: Hulu - December 2017.
Rating: 1 out of 5 Jingle Bells.
Spoiled brat Lindsay (Brooke Nevin) is having dreams that all her Christmas Chanels are knock-offs. The recurrent nightmare is the worst thing she can imagine happening to her - except for that this year, she is planning to go away with her best friends’ family and she dreads telling her parents that she is skipping the family festivities. Once she finds out her plastic-faced crush, Anderson (Ryan McDonell) - seriously how is this guy’s face like this before airbrushing? - is also going skiing for Christmas, she decides she absolutely has to go. Her approach is business-y, but it falls flat.
Honestly, everything about this movie is pretty stupid and flat. The production is low, the acting is truly awful. (These people are almost all still working actors, so that’s good for them and kind of a miracle.) Anyway, skip this one. Watch a true classic, this one falls flat.
