#s mention

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TW

I met a girl in mental health treatment a handful of years ago. We both had BPD and other severe mental health issues. Both kind of on the “lost cause” spectrum of treatment, where we’d tried everything and professionals were running out of ideas. Sometimes when I went to the ER for my safety, I’d pass her in another bed.

We wanted to write a book on BPD. We wanted to address stigma, our experiences, other people’s experiences. Hope for the future. Treatment options. Her parents suggested we put something in the newspaper during May, for BPD awareness month.

I was in an awful relationship when COVID happened, and with all of that we fell out of touch despite our plans to write and collaborate, meet for coffee and discuss further. Last thing I sent her was a template for BPD discussion.

I found out a couple hours ago that she lost her life to s**c*de a few days ago.

It hasn’t hit me yet. I’m scared of it hitting me. I feel like a complete zombie.

[rhythmloid]

Vent, I just need to get it out.

When does it ever fucking end. I want nothing more than to be a jellyfish in my next life. Truly I am living in a personal hell. Stripped of everything I loved about myself. I feel a slow ache as I age. Not of age itself but something else that just haunts me. Chronic illness certainly doesn’t help. It’s a sick joke. A cosmic laugh. I feel this is punishment for a past lifetime. Was I really that awful? What did I do to deserve this? I keep saying I’m sorry but I get punished worse and worse. Why is this death so slow and painful? Why can’t someone just rip off this bandaid and end me? I want a redo. I don’t want to be human anymore. I want to be a cat or a jellyfish or even a worm. I don’t care just get me out of this fucking husk, this rotting carcass. Every atom SCREAMS at me for help. End my suffering. The only thing stopping me is me, I am my own biggest obstacle. Even if there is nothing at the end of the finish line the feeling of cosmic bliss and oneness is so much more bearable, it has to be. Yet I’m such a coward I can’t do anything right. Such a perfectionist and yet I’m horrible at everything I do. I couldn’t even kill myself properly the first time. It’s like nothing ever happened and my parents didn’t even know, my mom just scolded me for waking up late for school. But maybe it’s better they didn’t. Why can’t I be mildly happy?

[some-kinda-ventblog]

I love you, I love you more than words can say and I *know* I keep telling you that but its true, its so true and i don't know how else to put it. My very soul sings for you, your the only thing that can quiet the swirling madness of my brain to have all my thoughts focus on one single thing. You.

I crave your presence, your warmth, your touch, everything about you. I feel like this is the one thing I every truly *needed* more than eating, drinking, or breathing I need you with me.

[char]