It is okay to say no | Sabo x Reader
So, this is a piece where I deal with what happened to me in the past. It’s the most personal and self-indulged fic I’ve written so far.
tw: Slightly sexual content in the beginning, mention of dub-con content, maybe even abuse
You snuggled closer to Sabo under the covers and with a sigh, you put your leg around his hip. Almost immediately his hand rested on your thigh, right under your butt. When you inhaled his familiar scent, you finally managed to relax. This felt nice. This felt like home.
You both came back from different missions yesterday and with all the reports and paperwork you had to do, there weren’t any moments for some much needed alone-time. You were barely able to undress before you went bed last night and with Sabo being the Chief of Staff, he still had some stuff to do. Since there was a meeting early in the morning, you two only had time to give each other a quick good-morning-kiss before getting ready. So now laying with your head on his arm and facing him, you could finally spend some time with your boyfriend before ending the day.
“One day I’m gonna kill Dragon for all the tasks he puts on me every time I come back”, Sabo chuckled with a slight smile.
You laughed. “Well, I kinda think he was generous this time. Remember last time when you had a mission? It took us four days to finish all the work before everyone left us alone.” Your fingertips lingered on his bare chest.
“But that was only because I was so frustrated that I yelled at anyone who talked to me”, he said and leaned into your touch when your hand went to cup his cheek. “Even though looking back now, the moment I could finally ease my tension was quite worth it.” His lips turned into a smirk. You remembered that night. It was full of whispers and moans and sweet caresses. It was the most passionate night you had with him.
Before you could dive deeper into the memory, Sabo kissed you. It was sweet and gently at first. You practically felt all the moments he had missed you. A warm feeling spread in your chest and you silently thanked whatever greater force was up there that you both came back. Alive.
After some moments, the kiss became deeper and more intense. His hand squeezed your thigh and then wandered up your leg and grabbed your butt. With a dreadful pit in your stomach you realized were this was leading to.
Relax, this is just Sabo. You’ve done this many times before. You want this. It’s okay.
Your thoughts raced as you tried to relax. You hadn’t felt like having sex the whole day, but now that he wanted it, you tried to silently convince yourself otherwise.
It’s easy. Look how hot Sabo is and how he touches you in all the right ways. It’s okay.
After he pulled his arm from under your head, he rolled himself on top of you while your hands grabbed his shoulders. Kisses were plastered along your jaw and down your neck. His fingertips got very close to your breasts and it was a matter of seconds before Sabo would play with them. His crotch pressed against yours and his arousal was present. Your chest grew tighter and heavier, but it had nothing to do with his weight.
Let it be. It will only get him mad. You’re supposed to do this. You should enjoy this. It’s ok-
When you opened your eyes, Sabo was staring back at you. His brows were knit and his gaze held a certain worry. He put his forearms next to your head to steady himself.
He realized. This is not good.
“N-Nothing. Let’s keep going”, you whispered. You smiled at him, but it was clear from the look on his face that he didn’t believe you. When you tried to kiss him, he jerked his head away.
“Don’t lie to me. I know something is off.” His lips were pressed into a thin line.
He will get angry any second. Now you’ve ruined it. You could have tried har-
“Are you hurt?”, he asked.
Tears started to prickle behind your eyes and the pressure on your chest was almost unbearable now. You managed to shake your head and his eyes went softer.
Maybe you should just go to the bathroom and pull yourself together. After that you can have se-
“How about I give you a second?”, Sabo asked again. You nodded and he got off you to toss a shirt on. With a soft kiss on your forehead he whispered: “I’ll be right back.”
You couldn’t decide whether you felt better or worse after he had left the room. You were quite sure what was happening since you had been in this situation a dozen times before and it had always been the same outcome. It had been the same pattern every single time. Your partner had been a different one then and since you’ve been with Sabo, you thought the feeling had gone away. How terrible wrong you were and now you had to fix it.
After a few minutes in which you went through different conversations in your head and managed to prevent the tears to fall, Sabo came back with two mugs in his hands. He gave you a little smile to cheer you up and when you sat up, he placed a mug between your fingers. In it was a rich-looking, brown liquid.
“Hot chocolate!”, you said, a little spark of joy erupting in your heart. Chocolate was rare on Bartigo and most of the time they only had it when someone brought it from a mission.
Sabo sat next to you. “Yeah, I bought it on that island I went to. Thought you might like it.” He seemed pleased that he had been able surprise you, but his face went serious again in an instant. “Even though I’d rather have you drink it while we are having a nice evening, but it seems like you need it more now.”
Taking a little sip, you tried to find a place to begin with. There was an urge inside of you that wanted to tell Sabo everything, but how could you explain it to him? “I don’t know where to start”, you confessed.
“Is it because I touched you wrong? Are you not satisfied with the sex? Or don’t you like me an-”
“It has nothing to do with you!”, you interrupted him. It shocked you that he could even think that. A little bit softer, you said: “It is not your fault, Sabo. I’m still very happy with you.”
He let out a long breath. “That is… good to hear.”
You decided it was best to start from the beginning. “Do you remember the time we talked about our past relationships?”
Sabo nodded. “Sure, you said you’ve been in two before, but I know you don’t like to talk about them.” It was obvious that his gears were shifting. His brows knit together again. “Did one of them do something to you?”
Unsure of how to reply, you shrugged your shoulder a bit. “It’s kinda hard to explain and it might be a bit messed up.” Your chest grew tight again at the sheer thought of saying it out loud.
“It’s okay. Just say the words that are in your head and I will make something logical out of it”, Sabo reassured.
Then you started. You told him how you had gotten together with your last boyfriend. How sexually inexperienced you had been even though you had not been a virgin anymore. You had enjoyed the sex and most of the other stuff you had tried at that point. When you two had become a couple, you had had lots of sex with all the butterflies in your stomach, but soon you hadn’t wanted that much sex anymore, so you had refused a couple of times. After a while, he had gotten angry. There had been quite a few arguments about the topic and if you still loved him or not. You had discovered that it would be more harmonic between you and him if you just had sex with him even if you wouldn’t want that. It had been easier than the constant fights.
Sabo stayed silent while you searched for more words to tell the next part, but his gaze was always on you while yours was fixed on your hot chocolate. You couldn’t bear to look at him when you told him how dirty you had felt every time you had sex with that man just to keep him in a happy mood; how ashamed and betrayed of your own body you had felt when you had orgasmed after you had pep talked yourself into having sex; how sad and frustrated you had felt every time he had asked you for sex or a blowjob and you had said no, just to do it anyways after he had gotten angry again; how often you had cried alone in the bathroom when he had been falling asleep, because you were so disgusted of yourself. It had been a vicious circle and you had only managed to break out of it when he had been away for some time and you had realized how wrong all of this was. This was almost two years ago and you and Sabo have been together for a few months now. After you had broken up you haven’t been intimate with anyone until you met him and you had thought that you were okay. The sex with Sabo was great and just the thought of sleeping with him managed to arouse you. Until today.
“I can’t tell you what happened with me today, Sabo. I just don’t know”, you finished. The rest of your hot chocolate was cold by now and you desperately wished you could sink into it and hide forever. You felt completely naked and Sabo still hasn’t looked away.
After a while he cleared his throat. “From what I’ve just heard, you are experiencing the symptoms of your sexual trauma.”
“Pardon?” You had understood him perfectly fine, but this wasn’t supposed to happen. Sabo should find you obnoxious now or should laugh at you for how stupid you had been.
He put his own mug away and then turned completely to face you. There wasn’t even a tiniest little bit of disgust or amusement in his eyes. Instead, there was concern and the same love you had always seen in them.
“You heard me. You also know that’s it’s not your fault, right? You told him you didn’t want to have sex and he guilt-tripped you”, he went on and now taking your mug out your hands that had started to shake.
“Sabo, stop. That’s not true”, you said, but he wasn’t reacting to it at all.
“It is okay to say no.” His voice was firm and he spoke with such a determination that you wanted to believe him. “It is okay to say no if you don’t want to have sex and the reason behind that doesn’t matter.”
You reached for his hands. “Sabo, I know that.” Instead of interlocking his fingers with yours, he pulled you to his chest.
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”, he asked quietly as he held you.
“Because I was afraid you would get angry”, you whispered and your vision got blurry as you looked down.
He gently grabbed your jaw and turned your head to his face. “I would never, never get mad at you if you don’t want to sleep with me, my love. Do you believe me?”
You nod, barely keeping the tears at bay. Your trust in Sabo was so deep, he could be telling the sky was green and the gras was blue and you wouldn’t even think of looking out of the window. There was no point in not believing him. Your heart hammered in your chest and your mind was racing. Sexual trauma. The words were on repeat in your head. Could it really be? You didn’t feel like you had been through so much. You always had sex with Sabo willingly. You enjoyed it a lot. True, you were more submissive, but you thought that was because him being dominant was amazing.
“Do you really think I’m traumatized?”
He let go of your chin to press you even tighter against him. “Do you think it’s normal behaviour if someone says that they know it’s okay to stop, but they still try to force themselves to sleep with someone else?”
You frowned. “Of course not.”
He hummed and then you realized that you just did that. Understanding hit you like a wave crashed against the shore and when the tears started to stream down your face, you felt like drowning. Sabo was right. Your behaviour wasn’t normal nor was it healthy. You sobbed and buried your face into the crook of his neck. You hadn’t thought about openly refusing him earlier because the angst was still there. It hadn’t gone away. It had been there all the time, but you had been so happy with Sabo that it got overshadowed. Now it was there and with it came something you couldn’t say or even just think about it. There was no denying it, obviously, and that left you feeling powerless. Pure dread filled your body. “I-I don’t know how to f-f-fix it.”
“That’s okay, babygirl. I’m here to hold your hand while you figure it out”, Sabo whispered while he gently stroked your back.
And maybe admitting that you have a problem is already the first step to heal.
