#sadphan

[phansvines-blog]

No matter how hard he tried, he could never forget #Phan #phanedit #sadphan #phandom

[le-science-side-of-tumbler]

Honestly, someone stab me. No one should make edits this sad 😩 #phan #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #sadphan

[all-the-ages-of-this-world]

Honestly, someone stab me. No one should make edits this sad 😩 #phan #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #sadphan

[atomiegun]

Honestly, someone stab me. No one should make edits this sad 😩 #phan #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #sadphan

[fictional-writ3r]

Forever my Light- Sad Phanfiction

word count: 1,495 words

*writer's comment*: I listened to 'cancer' by My Chemical Romance while writing this so you might want to have it playing in the background just to set the mood for yourself. 

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Dan's POV:

Why did he have to go? He was too young to die. This was not how his life was supposed to end. He said he would never leave me and here I am, all alone in the apartment that we once shared together. I am walking and pondering why I am even here. None of this is the same. There is no Phil to welcome me home when I come back from a shop, there's no Phil to watch continuous episodes of 'Breaking Bad' with me, there's no Phil to do a collaboration with, there is no more Phil... 

Our apartment is empty although all the furniture is still in it's place. My heart is dead but I am still living. Without Phil everything is empty and lost. We wanted to announce the big news to our subscribers soon but it's too late now. Without Phil, this announcement doesn't exist. We filmed a video together so that later on we could upload it to Youtube and stop the wait. I look at Phil's bedroom door. It still looks the same. Nothing in this apartment has changed except the atmosphere. Phil always managed to bring light into any room he walked in to. His smile always brightened up my day. To my surprise my feet carry me to his bedroom. It has become one of my natural things to do throughout the years. My hand reaches out to turn the handle but I am blocked by myself. I can't do this. It will bring back too many memories to my head. Slowly, I turn the handle bit by bit. My heart stops beating and my eyes shut tight. One deep breath.... 

I'm inside. I open my already tearful eyes to look around Phil's room. It still smells like him.

"Hey Dan!" 

"Hey Phil how are you today?"

"Not too bad just a bit achy in my bones."

"I will upload the video as soon as you get out of the hospital."

"If I ever will get out of it...."

"Phil please don't think like that. You will get better and you will beat cancer. I promise."

"Dan look at me. Look at me now. I look like a corpse how am I supposed to get out of this? Please just promise me that you won't forget me and all of our memories together. All of those years we have spent together were the best years of my life and I thank you for spending so much time with you but I will go now."

"Phil please don't say this. Not yet."

"Dan just know that I want you to find someone new to love after I die. Promise me that you will."

"Phil I can't-"

"Promise me."

"I won't stop loving you Phil and I won't be able to love someone else."  

"I love you for eternity Dan. Hey, don't cry please. I will forever be with you."

"I love you too Phil. Forever."

"Dan I'm tired now. Would you mind if I went to sleep? Go home Dan and sleep in your bed properly tonight and don't stay in this hospital. I'll see you tomorrow, don't worry."

"Goodnight Phil."

The last conversation me and Phil had between each other flashed in my mind as I walked up to Phil's bed. His laptop is on his bed, just as he has left it the night he first ended up in hospital. I don't know why, but in that very moment I sat down on his bed and I turned on his laptop. He didn't bother with a password because he always said he had nothing to hide from me. I always liked that about Phil- he never had any secrets kept away from me. He always told me how things really were. The screen turned on and a video tab opened up automatically. It is one of Phil's videos. He left this video open on his laptop before he left to the hospital. Curiously I pressed play to see what the video contained. Here we go...

"Hey Dan. You're probably watching this because you found this on my laptop. I am also probably gone right now but it's okay. Just think that I am in a better place now. Hey, I might even meet someone famous up here like Marilyn Monroe? How cool would that be." 

Dan was shocked by Phil's organisation and preparation. He knew he would go. He knew it. Dan's eyes start to swell up even more than they did before. He continued to watch the video.

"I want to tell you something Dan. Obviously you know that we are together, as in boyfriend and boyfriend. But in my bedside table there is a little black box. Take it out right now and pause the video until it's in your hands."

Dan followed the commands and opened the draw in Phil's bedside table. As he said, there is a black box inside the draw. Dan picked it up cautiously, handling it like it were a bomb. He closed the draw and whispered into the empty room: "Now what?"

"Great, you have found the box! Open it up. Now tell me Dan, will you marry me?"

Dan has been taken aback by this. Why did Phil propose to him when he knew he would be dead by this time? 

"Phil why the fuck are you doing this?" Dan whispered into the room again.

"I know what you're thinking right now Dan- why would I propose to you when I am clearly dead? Well, I always wanted to do this. We filmed the coming out video for your Youtube account and so I thought that I might buy you an engagement ring. I hope you will still upload the video. I know it is really hard to understand everything right now but just trust me Dan. So, what do you say? Will you marry me? Don't make me sit here looking like a total weirdo."

Dan couldn't hold it in anymore. He cried from desperation to hold Phil right now. He wants to hold him close to his body and tell him "yes." He wanted to kiss Phil's soft lips but he simply couldn't. 

"Yes I will marry you Phil. Gladly."

"Okay I am just guessing you said yes so yay! Thank you Dan. I am engaging to you now because as I always told you, I will be forever yours. I want you to remember that by wearing this ring. I bought this ring for you so you can look at it and remember me. Remember me when I'm gone.... Thank you for everything you have done for me and with me. I am eternally thankful to God for bringing you into my life. I guess I will never stop being thankful since you are my little angel and most importantly, the love of my life. Promise me that you will take care of yourself and that you will find someone nice to spend the rest of your life with. Don't be one of those guys to sit there and not do anything productive with your life because I'm gone. Do the exact opposite! I will always be there for you and with you. I have to go now Dan but just remember that I am here right now. I love you for eternity Dan Howell. Goodbye."

Dan broke down at this very moment. He put the ring on his finger and looked at it. It fit perfectly on his finger. He felt closer to Phil right now. He felt as if he could actually feel his presence next to him at this very moment. Dan began to put Phil's laptop away. He placed it back into it's place on the bed. He walked out of Phil's bedroom and into the kitchen. He reached for the knife in one of the kitchen draws. He put it right at the top of his wrist. Tears carried on rolling down his cheeks. He pressed the knife into his skin deep and glided the knife down his arm. He laid on the floor, letting all of the blood to escape his body. He closed his eyes as more and more blood puddled around his arm. He lost all of his consciousness as he drifted off.....

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"In today's news. Dan Howell has been found dead in his apartment on the kitchen floor. His body was surrounded by blood evidently coming from his own arm after Mr Howell has cut deeply into his veins causing too much blood to escape his body. A note was found next to his body saying: "I am joining you quicker than you thought Phil. I love you forever. Dan." Phil Lester was Mr Howell's flat mate. They were both internet sensations and also had their own radio show. Many fans are mourning after their role models. We send our greatest condolences to both families. This was tonight's latest news."