This better be the last time
I don’t know what I’m supposed to be writing. This isn’t like a hunter's journal, it’s just a set of empty pages. Rowena gave it to me this morning. She said it might help to keep me focused while we’re looking for you. She said she writes in one at night now, after what happened with Billi. Maybe it’ll help.
I don’t even know why I’m doing this. It feels stupid…. Like most other things I do for you. I miss you so much. And I can say that here. I’m not allowed to say things like that to you, you’ll make fun of me for it. But I do, and I love you. I’m tired of losing you and everyone else I care about. We’ve lost each other so many times and I’m ready for it to end. After this I’m done. And I really mean it this time. No more monsters, no more hunting. Just you, me, Cas, and Jack. We’ll live normal lives… Maybe we can get an actual house and a dog.
We’ve been at it for weeks and you’re no where. Normally an archangel’s presence on earth draws some attention.I can only assume Michael is hiding out and biding his time. I could really use your help on this. I may be the one behind the research but you were always the one with the plans. Man I miss you.
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. I feel like I’ve been awake from the moment Michael took you. I doze off now and then but I don’t feel rested. I was tempted to ask Cas if he’d just knock me out but he’s not really speaking to anyone right now. He leaves a lot and comes back angry. He won’t even tell us where he’s been, but I know. He’s either out looking for you, or talking to Chuck. He does that a lot lately. He just stands in the clearing behind the bunker and yells at him about how bad of a father he is. He asks for his help every day but so far there’s no answer. I want to tell him that he’s not going to get any help, especially after talking so much shit to him but I know better than to broach that subject. We don’t speak about you. He asks for updates and helps research but if it goes any further he ends the conversation. He misses you too Dean. We all do.
Jack and I got into an argument today. I feel awful. I know he’s just trying to help but I can’t lose you. Not now. He thinks we should focus more on finding a way to end Michael. He’s aware of what that implies and so am I. I told him it wasn’t happening and not to bring it up again. I wanted to hit him… and that’s not fair. He’s just a kid Dean and we’ve put all this crap on him. He’s too hardened by the world already and I hate it. I mean it Dean after this we’re getting out. For good.
I feel so restless. I need to do something. I need to find you. And I will Dean, I swear I will. Cas has been gone with Rowena for a few days on a lead so that leaves me here with Jack. Things have been tense since that argument. He won’t stay in a room with me for longer than a minute and he ignores me when I try to talk to him. Now I know how you felt when I was a teenager. I’m sorry about that by the way, guess I was just as stubborn as he is if not even more so. Turns out writing in this thing really does help. The past few days I’ve felt like I was going to crawl right out of my own skin. Now, getting it out, I feel a little less … urgent.
Gang’s all here minus one. Cas and Rowena are back. Mom and Bobby are staying here. (Which is so freaking weird, I wish you were here to see it) Charlie is staying and Claire came down with Jody and Donna. We Called Garth and he’s on his way here too. Everyone is pitching in and were going to bring you home. We all love you Dean and I wish we’d told you more. But we’re going to make up for it. You’re going to get so tired of all the love.
I saw you today. It was just for a minute but it was nice. I’m surprised Michael didn’t try to kill me. Guess I’m not a part of his plan. He looked so much like you. It’s weird because like Cas looks different that what I remember Jimmy looking like. They held themselves differently, spoke differently. But when I saw you it looked like you. Except Michael has you dressed like a total douche bag. I could have sworn it was you though Dean. He smiled and waved at me then he disappeared.I hate this. I hope you come home soon. This place feels so empty without you no matter how many people I let stay. I’m surrounded by people but I’m lonely. I know you’re probably lonely too just having Michael for company.
This feels pointless. All I’m doing is wasting time when I could be looking for you, but this is the only way I can talk to you now. I could probably pray but he would hear. He better not be hurting you either. I know this can’t be easy on you, especially if he lets you see what’s going on. Maybe he was nice enough to put you in a dream. Maybe in your head you’re on a beach vacation just like you wanted. I hope that’s what’s going on anyway.
Why aren’t you here!? You’re the strongest person I know, you should be able to fight this! I can’t do this… Not on my own. And everyone else gone now! I feel like they’ve given up. Except them, Jack and Cas they stayed. But he still won’t talk to me. I can’t fix it! I can’t fix anything! Brother where the hell are you?!
Jack finally spoke to me today. He’s so angry Dean. I wish you were here dude. I don’t know the first damn thing about raising a teenager! And Cas, he’s in general mode. He’s not really with us. He just runs constantly trying to find a way to get Michael out of you.
Rowena’s back. And she brought mom. I hope they stay this time I really missed them.
Mom hugged me today for like 5 minutes straight. We spent hours talking. She told me all about you when you were a baby. I kinda wish I could go back and see it. She said you were really funny and that her and Dad were always laughing at something you’d done. Did you know you were just 10 months old when you learned how to walk on your own? I don’t know how old normal babies are or how old I was but I feel like that’s early. See Dean you’ve always been smart
We’ve got a lead. This could be it Dean.
I hope you appreciate what I just had to go through to save your stupid angel. He’s being reckless and he’s going to end up getting himself killed. Again. I told him how angry you would be when you found out. I feel bad for yelling at him but he’s my brother now and I can’t lose him too.
It’s been months… I feel like I’ve really lost you this time.
Jack doesn’t listen very well. It took months but Jack finally got Cas talking. Screaming is more like it. He suggested that when we get you that we kill Michael. I don’t like Cas’s smiting face. I don’t think Jack liked it very much either. Castiel is now walking through the house having a fit and Jack convinced mom to spar with him for a while. He’s getting pretty good at it but mom can still kick his butt. It’s hard to watch this though. Because I get it. Cas loves you and he loves Jack and having to choose what’s right is hard. We both know what you would say if you got a vote so that’s exactly why we’re not going to consult you. Now he’s bitching at me because I knew about Jack’s plan and I didn’t tell him. Apparently he was actually going to go through with it. I can’t really be mad at him though. He’s trying to save the world. But we’re trying to save you.
Sister Jo Called. She said she spoke with you. I told Cas to hang up. I don’t trust her.
Bingo. Now we just have to find a way to get the bastard out.
I know that was you. I know you were the one that kept him from killing us. But what I don’t understand is why he’s still in there if you can control your body.
I’ve had it. I’m going to put him in a corpse somehow and then I’m going to fry his wings in holy oil. Bastard.
Ok here goes… I need you to come home. Living here like this without you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I keep wanting to call you and ask for your help but you’re not going to pick up. It’ll just be him. And he sure as hell isn’t going to be helpful. This is so fucking stupid. Ten years, ten fucking years of pain, anger, fear and frustration and Lucifer was finally dead. We had gotten rid of the big threat. You were supposed to cast him out Dean! We were going to be happy. For a minute we were happy and then you left again. I don’t know what to do man. If you’re gone then I want to be gone too. At least you won’t be alone. I’m going to pray to you. And I hope he comes…
I can’t believe that worked. You’re really here. Well mostly. Cas says you should wake up soon. That’s the first time he’s smiled since May. He and Rowena are taking turns trying to heal you. Michael messed you up pretty bad but I know you’ll be ok.
You’re still out. I’m losing my mind waiting for you to come back to us. I sat with you last night while Roe tried to heal you. I’m sorry for crying. I should man up but you’re all I’ve got. And it’s been stressful without you.
I don’t know why I still write in this thing. You’ve been back for a while now but I couldn’t help it. I thought we’d never get to celebrate another year together. Happy Birthday big brother.
