she pretends to forget him, head held high, do what it takes to save the world. one fight after another, one more problem to solve. she plans to survive, but when she can’t make it back to that rocket in time a part of her is relieved. it hurts, the radiation burns her skin and she can hardly think but when she can she thinks of him. she’s going to follow his path. come back to him, or at least come away from the pain of this world. three dead loves is more than anyone should have to bear. she’s ready to find her grave.
but she doesn’t die.
the first days are the worst physically, hovering between alive and dead. she doesn’t want to fight anymore, hasn’t she earned death? they told her she commands it yet it evades her. i’m yours, take me. the things she needs the most never stay long.
it’s the months that follow which break her. because was this what it was like for him or was it worse? is she weak every time she stares too long at her gun? what would he tell her to do? he was banished but he was not alone on earth. how different is it? she only has questions, no answers.
when she finds madi her choices are done. it matters less that she isn’t alone and more that she won’t leave this wild girl to be the last thing on earth with a beating heart. and it’s easier, bit by bit. she feels alive, but he’s not. he’s gone. she has to remember that. the rest, she might see them again. not him, never him.
it takes her the longest to tell madi about him, because how do you explain the man who was meant to be everything, watching him be reduced to nothing? how do you explain an almost that could have come to define you with just a little more time? she still draws him, so she won’t forget his face.
she scars herself for him, it’s clumsy and rough, along her bicep but it’s all she can manage. she doesn’t know why she does it, he’s already left enough scars on her heart. and she doesn’t need this one to remember him by. she’s never going to forget.
