One of the things nobody ever really talks about with severe mental illness is that you can't make long-term plans. Not just because life is unpredictable, but because you can't afford to focus on anything but the next 5 minutes.
People talk about recovery. That's great if you have something treatable. But if you live with something like DiD or Schizo Spec there is no getting better. You will never NOT be mentally ill, you will always have that in your life, looming over your head.
And when you have a mental illness like that, you realize very quickly that you aren't society's poster child for better mental health. You are not the people they advertise in drug ads. You are not the people that the walk-in center shows in their funding pamphlets.
To society, you are irredeemably BROKEN.
And for that reason, you have to watch your ass CONSTANTLY. Eyes straight ahead, ever diligent, as focused as physically possible.
Because you know full well that if you so much sniff in the wrong direction, your freedom will be GONE. Society views the severely mentally ill like it views drug addicts and poor people of color... they'd rather not. They don't want to see you. They don't want to know you exist. You belong behind closed doors and out of their neighborhoods and towns.
And once you lose your freedom, you aren't getting it back.
So yeah, you learn to be hypervigilant and terrified to get so much as a parking ticket. Wanna go to a pride parade? NOPE, there might be protesters that aim cops in your direction and you're toast. Wanna speak out against social injustice? Against the government? Against the system as a whole?
You fn wish.
Because for every thing that the average cishet white person is inconvenienced for doing, it's basically a death sentence for a severely mentally ill person. And don't even try to get help or fall in love or any of those "normal" parts of life. The system says no and you have no say in it.
One day at a time, you get to the end of this day and take on the next one if it comes. Long term plans don't exist because if you take your eyes off this exact moment you might slip up. The system hates you on principle and is rigged against you. The people who can help it are not the people in the mirror. Keep your head down, don't make noise, don't ruffle feathers, and for the love of god don't do anything ever that might lead to trouble with the law.
I don't know what I'm really getting at. It's late and I'm in a mood. I guess I'm just saying that if you happen to know someone with these sorts of diagnoses, have mercy. Don't expect them to function like a normal person because that setting doesn't exist. Corporations trip over themselves for Pride month but not a peep over disability rights and the stigma of having an invisible illness makes the mentally ill stigmatized even within the disability community.
I guess, just, take it easy on us. Yes, we have hopes and dreams. At least, early on in the process. They tend to fade over time.
But as someone who is almost 40 who has been in the system since the age of 7, the true dream is doing something incredible like living to see middle age.
