I had the weirdest suicidal experience of my life last night (didn't actually attempt anything - don't worry) and I'm not even suicidal or depressed anymore and I'm not quite sure if this is anything to do with my schizo disorder or my meds....but my prescribed dose of anti-psychotic is 300mg but like I've been taking 200 to 250 to 300 randomly here and there every week depending on whatever for the past...month? Because of stuff. I didn't really think a 50-100mg difference every few days per week in a psych med would make much of a difference coz I was thinking along the lines of "Well, if it takes a whole goddamn week+ to build the med up in your system, then one or two nights of messing with the dose per week isn't gonna make a difference...." I still have no idea if it does...whatever. But anyways. 1am hits. I was still kinda awake. Just recently popped 200mg of my antipsychotic. This intense feeling of dread hits me. Like..."if you don't disappear right fucking now, everything and everyone you love is going to be destroyed." And suddenly I was just like "Wow...um...maybe I should have died..." thinking back to my brush with death I had just had with hypoglycemia. I haven't had a suicidal thought in a long time. So it was weird. But it felt like I wasn't the one thinking it....so it was even more weird. But not in an ideation or coercion kinda way. Just in a..."here's a thought. Do with it what you will." kinda way. I sunk under the covers and tried to go back to sleep. 3am rolls around. I wake up again and I don't even feel fully awake. All I do is just open my eyes and all I see are a million black eyes in the darkness staring back at me, gleaming with the blue tint from my clock across the room. There's no windows in my room and the door is shut. So there's no light source except my clock and the the little bit from the TV that I keep on a timer for a sort of "night light". But it's dimmed by now. I stare at them, they stare at me. Unblinking. Hours tick by. The sense of foreboding gets worse. All I can hear is static. Eventually, I guess I went back to sleep. Then it happens. The weirdest suicidal experience of my life. 6am. It was like someone flipped a fucking switch in me. "It's 6am. Wake up. Time to kill yourself." It was like someone or something had implanted some sort of command in my head via subliminal messaging. No, it wasn't anything like suicidal ideation. No, it wasn't anything like coercion via the voices or any other outside or internal source. I know what those feel like. I dealt with those for years. I do not have those anymore. It was very literally just like an internal, automatic, machine-like command. Wake up. Get out of bed. Put foot on floor. Put other foot on floor. Stop. How are you going to do it? Look at medications. Contemplate success rate. Success rate too low. Move on. Scan room. Scanning... Car keys detected. Contemplate success rate. Success rate confirmed. Proceed. PAUSE. WHAT IS THAT? THAT GREEN BLINKING LIGHT IN THE CORNER! THAT'S NOT PART OF THE PLAN. THAT WAS NEVER PART OF THE PLAN. WHAT IS THAT!? NO. DON'T PICK IT UP. RILEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? DO NOT PICK THAT UP. ABORT MISSION. FUCKING ABORT. It was my motherfucking phone. My girlfriend had texted me, seemingly in her sleep, with old pictures she found of me saying how much she missed holding me and how cute and sexy I was and this and that. The pictures were from a time in my life where I was...still dealing with major depressive disorder, still not medicated, still not in therapy, still had this dormant schizo disorder I knew nothing about...but I was on vacation in my favourite place in the world and and I was so content. And suddenly these feelings of warmth and happiness and love washed over me and I was on the floor crying and the commands were out of my head. And then suddenly...I'm thinking..."Where am I....? Why am I holding my car keys...?" Look down at my phone..smile..."Heh." Crawled back into bed. Grabbed my girlfriends jacket and the plushie she made me, curled up...and just went right back to sleep. Just like that. Like nothing had even happened. Of course, when I woke up it all came rushing back to me and I remembered everything. And texted my girlfriend frantically telling her she had saved my fucking life. The fuck? I have NEVER IN MY 24 YEARS OF EXISTENCE experienced anything like that before. (That I can remember.) Of course, now I'm going to start being more diligent about my antipsychotic because that was a little scary. . .idk if that will actually change anything because I haven't a clue if my meds were even a factor in this happening. But I've been feeling so sick lately so maybe getting my meds straightened out might make me feel better? /shrug. Idk, man. Whatever. But that? That was fucking WEIRD. Jesus christ. My girlfriend saved my life twice yesterday without even really trying. She's my little guardian angel, I guess. :p
